Monday, 26 November 2007

Five Glass Friday

On Friday night himself and I went to his triathlon club's annual black tie award dinner. This involved a dinner suit for him and 3 coats of mascara and a posh frock for me. It would be an understatement to say I wasn't looking forward to it.

There were more than a few reasons for this,
I don't like getting out of my jeans unless I'm getting into my jammies,
I hate being a plus 1, in the past this has meant me being left to fend for myself whilst the people who know each other have a great time,
I tend to be a bit nervous around people I don't know so I have a few glasses of the red stuff and then think I'm dead funny, everyone else just thinks I'm pissed and possibly obnoxious, not much chance of them being pissed and not noticing as they're all athletes
It being an athletic club, I thought I might be the lardiest one there
We were leaving 3 of the collective beautiful children together without us being there for the first time ( don't worry, the eldest is a very sensible 15 and the others 12) I really wasn't sure how they'd get on. So lots of little niggles before we even got there.

What was I worried about ? I don't think anyone was sober, I saw quite a lot of peoples pants, both himself and I were hit on, I didn't take the 2 kilted men to task for not having any right to wear a kilt ( both admitted they do it just to pull women!!!),and the kids got on brilliantly.

The Beautiful Man looked really yummy and looked after me like I've never been looked after before and he doesn't dance like a dad. Not too shabby is it ?

Friday, 16 November 2007

Mr Angry of Leith

Himself sent me this funny email today and I had to share it. Coming from Glasgow, I always think that the West Coast humour is a wee bit funnier but I did live in Auld Reekie for 13 years, and I did love it there too, so here's a wee bit of East Coast humour for you.

Here's a thought for all the Edinburgh dwellers on the service your boys in blue / black / yellow provide. True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written....
Anonymous correspondence from a member of the public

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service.
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant?????????

Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
RegardsPC ????????????????Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

Now you see, if the police weren't so busy arresting and putting men on the sex offenders register for shagging their bikes they'd be there like a shot....

Monday, 12 November 2007

My Mondays

Now some of you may know that I work from home on Mondays. This is the day when I attempt to clean my house, do shed loads of laundry, run ( ha ha ha, I put them in to save you the trouble of laughing for yourself), do a supermarket shop, plan lessons for the week, go to the bank, post office, dry cleaners etc etc etc. Monday is the day when I try and do a weeks worth of stuff in a day. This is what I plan to do, every Sunday night and every Monday morning, I tell myself that this will be the day I do it. In my head the plan sounds great, achievable even. This is the plan.

This is the actuality

Every Monday, I get up, go straight to Beautiful Baby Daughters room and get into her bed for 10 minutes where I kiss and cuddle her, then I go to The Beautiful Son's bedroom where I get into his bed and kiss and cuddle him for precisely 10 minutes, they actually time it to ensure neither of them gets a peko second more of my attention. I then knock on the door of the Bride of Darkness aka Eldest Beautiful Daughter and get a grunt in return from under the duvet, I would be happy to kiss and cuddle her to but I am more likely to get a belt in the mouth for my trouble, like me, she's not a morning person.

I then proceed downstairs to the kitchen, I put on my first load of laundry for the day, empty the dishwasher, make packed lunches, call the beautiful children at least 4 times to come and eat the feckin breakfast, dispense money, find lost kit, homework, school books etc etc.

I then return to my bed with the first of several large mugs of coffee, I watch channel 4 on the telly whilst eating my lightly toasted cinnamon and raisin bagel, occasionally I can persuade EBD to make me another coffee and I stay there contentedly till I've seen Will and Grace.

I then get up and empty the washing machine and put on yet another load of laundry. I sit at the pc and log on, I read my horoscopes, forums and anything that catches my eye on the home page, I then go to blogger and read all my lovely regular round of blogs and then I think I should blog myself.

So it is now 11 am, I am still not showered or dressed, the washing is still not pegged out and I have achieved nothing of my plan but before you deride me for wasting my time, have a little look at what I've found out, today I give you something I found on the tiscali home page, it is a list of laws that have never been repealled, and I 've included the foreign ones so you can see that people really are nuts the world over.

Strange but True Laws

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down.

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish shop.

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day.

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter.

6. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including a policeman's helmet.

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King and the tail goes to the Queen.

8. It's illegal not to tell a tax official anything you don't want them to know but legal not to tell them information you don't mind them knowing.

9. It's illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour.

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the city walls but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

And for our fruit loops abroad...

1. In Ohio it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

3. In Bahrain, a male doctor can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror.

4. In Switzerland a man cannot relieve himself standing up after 10pm.

5. In Alabama it's illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed.

7. In Vermont, women must get written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

8. In Milan it's a legal requirement to smile at all times except at funerals or hospital visits.

9. In Japan, there is no age of consent.

10. In France, it's illegal to name a pig Napoleon.

Time well spent, I'm sure you'll agree

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

I want to ride my bicycle

This is a word for word quote from November 4th s edition of The Sunday Times

Cyclist of the week

A hotel guest has been put on the sex offenders register after attempting intercourse with his bicycle. Two cleaners interrupted the man at a hotel in Ayr after they knocked on the door and heard no reply.
" The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to stimulate sex" Ayr sherrif court heard. He will be sentenced later this month after admitting a sexual breach of the peace.

Well, lordy, lordy it takes all sorts doesn't it ? What a shocking waste of tax payers money to prosecute him. I do feel slightly sorry for this man though, I personally wouldn't get my jollies with a bike but I do know grown men who get excited on buses. I kinda feel that if it's an inanimate object and it's in private then it's no bother to your auntie, whatever lights your candle.

Does the hotel have to take some kind of responsibility for this? I mean, why did they decide to call the police ? Hotels make shed loads of money from showing adult movies to lonely sales reps. I mean, if it's a rainy Tuesday night in Ayr and they're showing the Porn De France on pay per view, what do they expect?

Saturday, 3 November 2007

All you need to know

On Thursday, as I was teaching my trainee nursery nurses, I was giving them the statistics around just how much learning takes place in the child's early years. Which incidentally is a lot. Last night I came across this poem and I think it summed it up beautifully. The foreword was

All I needed to know about how to live and what to do and how to be wasn't learned in Graduate school but in Kindergarten

The Lessons of Kindergarten

Share everything

Play fair

Don't hit people

Put things back where you found them

Clean up your own mess

Don't take things that aren't yours

Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody

Wash your hands before you eat


Warm cookies and milk are good for you

Live a balanced life - learn some, think some, and draw, paint, sing and dance, play and work some every day

Take a nap every afternoon

When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup, the roots go down and the plant goes up, we are all like that

And remember the Dick and Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Robert Fulghum - All I really needed to know I learned in Kindergarten

So there you are, all you need to know about life, simple really isn't it ?