Sunday, 28 September 2008

I've been a good girl, I have

This weeks total of bad behaviour

I have eaten a whole Fruit and Nut toblerone, bought to accompany the viewing of my new Sex and The City DVD.

Out on Wednesday night, 3 glasses of pink fizzy, no sneaky fags, no snogging.

Out on Friday night, 2 Gin and Tonics, 1 sneaky fag, no snogging.

Out on Saturday night, 1 glass of pink, 2 and a half sneaky fags, copious amounts of snogging, on the rooftop terrace of a bar and then (hangs head in shame) more snogging on the back seat of a BMW (I know,everybody hates BMW drivers but I can't escape them, only BMW drivers find me attractive)


I have ran twice (to combat the fruit and nut toblerone)

I went to church this morning for Harvest festival, so I think overall, your auntie has behaved quite well this week.

Friday, 26 September 2008

Clothes Maketh The Woman

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a woman in posession of a credit card, must be in want of a shop (or 6)

My name is auntiegwen and I am a shopper, not to Olympic standard like the daughters but I'm not too shabby.

I like clothes and shoes and handbags but I'm not particularly adventurous, I tend to buy the same types of things. I have in my posession 4 grey cardigans, I'm too scared to count my Petit Bateau childrens vests (age 12) and my jeans (Gap) so regular me is jeans, vest tops and a cardie, I am very fond of my grey cashmere Gap one and also my new long boyfriend one from M and S.

Due to a change in hours and timetabling I have to be smart 4 days per week now, I used to only have to do 2, that's hard. I'm of an age (you probably noticed) and I want to look stylish but not old enough to know better, and that's becoming tricky, I'm not ready to look like a middle aged woman. I think because from age 18 to 33 I didn't have to think about work clothes because I was in a nurses uniform, so I do casual well, I'm told I scrub up well in my posh going out stuff but work ????

At school, my students really do critique what I wear and my fondness for wrap around DVF style dresses (2 black, long sleeved and sleeveless, 1 black and red, 1 black and grey and 2 green) makes Eldest Beautiful Daughter call me a refugee from a Boden catalogue. Incidentally these draw the most comments from staff, last week I got 3 compliments in my green Boden wrap round. Students tend to like trouser and long cardi combo's.

Yesterday I went off in black trousers, a fitted white shirt and a black waistcoat and I was feeling very what smart until Rik, my head of department said " Looking smart today, auntie, off to referee a snooker match at lunchtime ? "

No, but I'm off shopping today to find smart, stylish, age appropriate clothes that are as comfy as my jeans, vest top and cardi combos, am I asking too much ?

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Again, with feeling, I am a lucky, lucky girl

You know how I always tell you, I'm a lucky lucky girl ?

Well, I am.

I'm alive, healthy and not too insolvent (credit card bill this month under a grand, yes, that is for a month, what can I do ?, the kids keep eating and demanding new kit for all the myriad of activities they collectively partake of, oh alright I bought shoes and some fancy knickers too)

I had a blissful Saturday night.

Today, the beautiful children and I went to Pizza Express for lunch and to see The Boy in Striped Pyjamas at the cinema. This is a delicately acted film with real pathos about the unlikely friendship between two little boys, one the son of a high ranking Nazi and the other a Jewish concentration camp inmate. My girls and I cried buckets at the end, and when we were walking from the cinema, my beautiful son put his arm around my shoulders and kept it there all through town to the car park.

I am really and truly blessed, I've never known real hardship in my life, I've never been persecuted for my ideas or beliefs, I've never been hungry and I've always had a home and I've always had love.

I love my life, I love the very bones of my children, I have people to care about and people who care about me and my children are safe, well and happy. That's not too shabby is it ? Trust me, I am unbelievably grateful for it.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Because Tom Foolery asked me to...

Here you have regular auntiegwen, albeit in her best frock before a night out, taken in my friend Melanie's bedroom.

Now scroll down to see me do my Sarah Palin inpersonation, using Mel's glasses this time.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Black Boxes

Go me, I managed to add something to my blog.

Have a go, click on the black box and see where it takes you, but I warn you, it's more addictive than fruit and nut toblerones, and that's saying something !!!

ps in a techie kind of way, can someone help me to do a click on the word thingy so you can all read himself's proper review of the Glasvegas gig, because it's worth reading, he's very clever, and he writes well too.

Monday, 15 September 2008

Glasvegas at The Plug

Last night we went to see Glasvegas at The Plug in Sheffield. They're a band from Glasgow and have become very special to us. This was a romantic gesture from himself to me and the gig meant a lot to us. Strange band to be romantic to but hey, we wouldn't be any other way.

Apologies for the plentiful swearing, it may not be everyones cup of tea but I love them, they're raw and I'm from Glasgow and an ex punk, I can cope with a bit swearing.

I won't wax lyrical
a because I can't and
b because himself wants to write about it when he remembers his blogger password.

So I'll give you the non music bits and less considered prose.

I had to translate quite a bit,eg a square go means a challenge to a fight, himself hasn't been blessed and isn't Scottish like me, so some of our more quaint sayings bemuse him. I did think that most of the audience had no clue what the band were trying to say.

He took me to see the Fuck the English, Scotland the Brave graffiti that was a kind of make up gesture after a little disagreement.

I lost 1 of my best earrings (Gucci, white gold, I know I'm sad about that too, no I don't know why I wore them either)

From the fountains to the carpark, I had a blast and there is no one else I'd have wanted to see them with.

So please click on the logo Glasvegas and read the proper review.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Sarah Palin

Ok, what gives ?

Why do men of a certain age find her attractive ? Just about every man I know is drooling over her. Even my drunkety, drunk, drunk co conspirator.

Yesterday, I sneaked off work and met him for lunch. I wore a sexy black suit with a tight pencil skirt, the infamous LKB shoes, stuck my hair up again and borrowed The Beautiful Son's glasses.

Putty in my hands.

Could this be a new career for me ? Would people pay money for this ?

Monday, 8 September 2008

Drunkety, drunk, drunk...again

Saturday evening

Friend's 40th (quite a special friend)

Out in town, 3 coats of mascara and hair up, was told I was looking "foxy", also had been informed that I was irresistable , this was a good week for your auntie, premium quality mush was coming my way.

Copious amounts of flirting, truly outrageous amounts, not behaving age appropriately AT ALL, in fact, behaving very badly in 1 bar, your auntie was definitely on a promise

3 glasses of the pink stuff, I kid you not, only 3

1 cheeky/sneaky fag, of the regular variety

1 extremely dizzy auntiegwen

Ashamed to say, did actually vomit, in public, I know, the shame of it, on my sexy L.K.Bennett £129 shoes too !

Was taken home

Managed to take clothes off, brush teeth and put myself to bed, alone, in my fancy underwear, which didn't get the appreciation it deserved on the cost per wear aspect.

Fell fast asleep

Birthday friend waited for an hour

Birthday friend then drove home ( miles away, at least 40 miles) but phoned several times to check on me

Still fast asleep, didn't answer any calls or return texts

Was awakened by friend, next morning, who's driven back because they've spent the whole night worrying about me

Lovely friend didn't yell at me for spoiling evening, or worrying them half to death, even brought me my coffee in bed.

I didn't even have the decency to be hung over !

Again, I apologize for my outrageous behaviour, I spend a lot of time apologizing ! usually to the same person. I have to face sad facts, I am going to have to grow up.

Friday, 5 September 2008


This is a sad post, best to warn you now in case you're not up for it.

The Beautiful Mother has a best friend called Susan, she's the friend you have to call Auntie even though she's not. My Mum and Susan have been friends for years and she's been there all the way through my teens (and tantrums) and now into my middle age (slightly less tantrums). My parents and Susan and John spent masses of time together especially now since myself and my sister and Susan and John's 2 sons have grown up. My Mum sees her every day.

Susan is very bright, articulate, stylish and on the money, she is a serial entrepeneur and a real force to be reckoned with. She's great fun and has always been a fantastic friend and support to my family, she's always been there. My sister is very close to her and when my sister was getting engaged Susan gave her her own engagement ring as she has no daughter, she's that kind.

Susan's mum Margaret developed Polycystic Kidney Disease and went on dialysis when I was in High School. My Mum and Susan set up a branch of the British Kidney Patients Association as there was no local one and raised shed loads of money. Margaret had 2 transplants which both sadly failed and she died after a long struggle with the disease whilst only in her 60's.

Susan and her brothers were both tested as PKD is an inherited disease, both brothers were clear but Susan tested positive, in 2003 her kidneys began to fail and Susan went on dialysis. The last 5 years have been so incredibly tough for her family, Susan chose not to go on the transplant list because of what her own mother went through, so every night she would hook up her bags and dialyse through the night, living with a chronic disease takes a big toll on everyone but they were managing.

Over the last year, Susan has become increasingly unwell, she is unrecognizable from the woman she really is and has been unable to move around without a zimmer frame and when she goes out she needs one of them old lady scooter things, my mum is a dab hand and dismantling and re assembling them. Her quality of life has taken a complete nose dive. Her husband has had to give up their very successful business and now works part time locally and my mum goes in when he is at work.

Susan has spent the last 3 weeks in hospital, last week her heart stopped but she was resuscitated. She is so incredibly tired and yesterday when my mum went to see her, she told her of her decision to stop dialysis, she will only live for a week or two maximum without it.

She feels she doesn't want to just exist and that she has no quality of life, she will leave behind a husband, 2 sons one of whom's partner is expecting their first baby and my mum. I wonder how they feel. Numb, probably.

She's only 52.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

The Best Laid Plans

Let me set the scene for you, try and paint you a picture...

Monday morning

Lesson 3 finishing at 11.40 am in 1 part of the college and lesson 4 also starting at 11.40 in the opposite part of college. Note to self, perfect art of time travel asap. Lesson lasts for 50 minutes.

22 new year 10 students (age 14)- these are the youngest in our school having just joined from middle school.

1 table of girls who will have to be split up at next lesson, too mouthy and sparking each other off. Find out later, mouthiest was expelled from last school.

New classroom

New tables which can have their top tilted up for stacking against the walls, have a kind of bar thing underneath which keeps them stable, this is easily dislodged when they put their knees under the desk. I like knees under the desk, I feel it's the only place to put them in a classroom setting.

Store cupboard containing textbooks, pens, paper etc, locked and key not on hook in our office as is it's want, key in lesson 3 teachers pocket, lesson 3 teacher gone who knows where? for a fag and/or a gin? nah,more boringly, probably to lesson 4.

Teacher computer has no keyboard, can't log in and take register, take paper register, will use office PC after lesson. Tech feckin ology.

All 22 students have to get a laptop out of the lap safe, double locked but with key fortunately. All 22 students have to have laptop log signed by me to ensure we know who's broken what laptop. Cynicism thy name is Gwen.

As students are so new, lots of their personal log in's don't work, advise them to go to IT support at lunchtime. Note to self, avoid or bribe IT technician ? can't remember what strategy used last term.

Re-arrange students so they can at least share a computer, look at clock 20 minutes of lesson gone. Feeling slightly hot now, and not in a good way.

Ask students to get out homework co teacher has set as this forms basis for my lesson. Resist urge to make smart arse derogatory comment on the odds of a clean sweep.

8 students out of 22 have done as requested, get them started on task.

Get 14 students who didn't do homework to start homework in my lesson.

Table dislodges and tilts, fortunately laptop falls onto student and not floor.

Miraculously some work actually gets done by some students. Not much, but I'm grateful for small mercies, hey I'm middle aged I take what I can get at all times.

Wasp flies in window, CHAOS ensues, students scream, (especially the 3 mouthy ones at back table) jump up and try and run away, room very cramped, chairs get knocked, someone trips over a bag.

I tell them to sit down and keep still, I'm accused of not caring if they're stung, they're right, I hope several wasps come in and sting them right on their gobs, I have a split second vision of a cloud of bees surrounding the challenging students heads, bad auntiegwen bad, I'm only worried that the brand new laptops will fall on the floor in the melee.

Look at clock, 7 minutes left of lesson, finally admit defeat.

Collect in all 22 laptops, checking for damage and sign log to say they're ok.

Class leave.

Big sigh from me.

Look at the all singing all dancing, shiny, hopeful, well balanced and carefully thought out lesson plan, with differentiation and everything. I swear it smirked at me.

Game's a bogie.