Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Happy Hogmanay

For the last few years I have been unhappy on Hogmanay.
In 2005 I was very unhappy in my marriage and it ended in 2006.
In 2006 it was the first Hogmanay since 1985 I was without Gordon, although he did spend it at my house but again, painful for both of us.
Last year in 2007 I woke up knowing I was in a relationship that was making me profoundly unhappy and I was getting ready to take my children away for New Year with my ex boyfriend Ken, his children and his sister and her friends. That was a horrible time for me and mine, 2 out of my 3 children didn't prefer him but I felt responsible to try and make it work as I had brought him into my children's lives and I never wanted to introduce them to a succession of new partners. I stopped seeing him just after New Year to my immediate nearest and dearests great relief.

Last weekend Ken's children came to stay with me, his ex wife and I liased over this, I liked her immensely, I was incredibly fond of his children and they have kept in touch with myself and my children. I didn't realise how much they missed me, it was so good to see them again. After hours of chat with his ex wife I realised that I never really knew him at all, the lies he told us both, he gave me what I wanted to hear, mush a plenty, he found my weak spot and emotionally shape shifted to be what I wanted. His ex wife couldn't recognise the man I was dating and I realise now what a mutually delusional 6 months we had, I've had a lucky escape.

Someone who knows me too well remarked last month that he thought I didn't really love Ken at all, he's read every word on this blog and knows me well enough to comment. It was a bit of a double edged sword for him to read and I think he found it difficult in the beginning to read all I blogged about my past.
I never write any of the mushy stuff about him, not because it's not there and definitely not because he's less important, I think I've kept it more to myself because it was so out there last time and because this man is private and I never want him to feel that I've said something that he is uncomfortable with. It can't be easy knowing that potentially everything could be offered up for blog mates scrutiny.

So this morning, Hogmanay 2008, I woke up completely at peace with my life, having had another one of my perfect nights with everything I wanted. I wish all of you, dear readers, to have that feeling too this 2009.

And I wish us more of us.

Monday, 29 December 2008


Once upon a time in the far away kingdom of Romantasyland lived a maiden, okay, a maiden who was old enough to know better.

She thought she had met and married her Prince, sadly he turned out to be a toad but undeterred our heroine kept kissing frogs, waiting for her Prince, she never gave up on the idea of romance.

Enter our dashing hero, 6 foot 1 of pure muscle, fair of hair (plenty of it too, the maiden was impressed, she's used to short, middle aged bald men) and blue of eye, the maiden was a bit bowled over.

Like all good fairytales the path of true love never runs smoothly, the maiden had a nasty habit of demanding mush and romance and wanting to talk about their relationship and the dashing hero was after all, a bloke, and a Northern bloke at that.

The maiden remarked to the dashing hero that most couples have a honeymoon period where there is an abundance of romance and mush before reality sets in but that they had seemed to go straight to the reality stage.

Our dashing hero agreed that indeed their relationship had always been real and stated in what he may have thought to be a concillatory fashion "There's more than one way to skin a cat"


Wednesday, 24 December 2008

How the hell did I do that ?

I was in the middle of changing the bed when I got a text. I love getting texted, really and truly, I am like a teenager with texts. The text was from my good friend Sixy saying, see my blog. So I log on and read how her beloved bidey in had proposed in his sleep, and she wonders if he can legally be held to this if he was asleep.

Incidentally, I was bumping my gums a few weeks ago about throwing away a marriage proposal and I didn't give my other lovely proposal a mention, if you read this (and I'm fairly sure you will) I still have your text from 22nd June saying "but I'm driving and can't type! oh sod it, will u marry me ?" Who says romance is dead, eh ?, no kiss either, never mind your soft and tender x at the end, no feckin x at all at the end, my boy !

Anyway, while I get distracted with all this nonsense I manage to lose one of my pillows, I always have 4, now I can only find 3, how the hell did I manage to do that? So my bed looks lopsided now. Sometimes my life is weird.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Being a Teenager again

My mammy is visiting me at the moment so that has meant a total reversal to my teenage state, she is feeding me, tidying up after me and generally minding me.

I think I took it too far when I arrived home from my big night out much later than I said I'd be. I drove up the driveway with the cd and headlights turned off. Creeping in quietly so as not to wake her, yes I know I'm 42 and it's my house but old habits die hard.

But even if she had grounded me it would have so been worth it because it was such a special night out, one of my very, very best.

Friday, 19 December 2008

All I want for Christmas

Busy busy girl this week, so shamelessly in a time saving effort, I have recycled an email I received this week. Actually I would quite happily post all the correspondence as it's extremely funny in an off the wall sort of vein but I hope they don't mind me posting this.

My special name that only they use,

I can't guess and this stuff isn't cheap so please choose your Xmas present and I'll do the rest.



So, what do you think would be the cut of auntiegwen's jib ?

Monday, 15 December 2008

Last Week of Term

Can you hear the glad tidings ? Can you hear the whoop whoop auntiegwen happy noise ? I have only this week to go and then I finish for two whole weeks, how good is that ?

I have had a particularly horrible term, I usually love teaching but I have a very challenging group (that's the technical term for it, I have another one myself ...) I knew it was bad when someone who knows me too well made my New Year Resolution for me and it was to apply for 3 new jobs ! Sorry, you have had to listen to a lot but I am grateful really !

This week I have to be observed 3 times, by my head of department, by a student and by a colleague, no pressure then as our students remain completely focused and engaged in their learning, as it their wont until the very last minute of term as I'm sure you can imagine all teenagers do, they are so on form, especially on the last day of school before Christmas.

Today I got an email from the head asking me if tomorrow afternoon my (particularly challenging) class would be able to help out at our Old Age Pensioners party that the school holds every year. Obviously he hasn't met them en masse.

Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, haven't these pensioners suffered enough ? Surviving a world war, maybe 2 wars, rationing, pensions and houses being worth fourpence and a caramel, the choice between eating or dying of hypothermia and any ill health they may have and what have got to look forward to ? A party at the local high school ?

It's almost worth giving up smoking, drinking and eating anything remotely tasty just to stay alive long enough for my year 12's to come along with ipod earphones a dangling, gum hinging out and all the "Huh's well goods, innits and that's sick man" they can hope to hear in an afternoon, complete with the beautiful attire of trousers hanging off their arse with at least 6 inches of boxers on show. Oh yes, they'll be pleased they've lived long enough to see the youth of today.

On a more serious note, the students may surprise me, they may be the charming and polite teenager their parent hopes that they'll be. I live in hope.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Things your mammy says.

I seem to say the same things over again to my children usually "Would you give yourself peace" To be fair I say this to everyone but I'm sure they'll always associate it with me. When I was little my mammy used to have a huge collection of sayings, one in particular would now be seen as offensive in our ultra pc society, so I haven't included it in case I offend anyone but here are a few gems from my mammy. Including translations. Some of them don't make a lot of sense but she said them all the same.

If you died wi a face like that naebdy would wash it. Please stop sulking

I'll gie ye yer heid in yer hauns tae play wi. When asked for something to play with/to do as I was bored.

You'll have me in a pine box, you have my heart scalded. You will be the death of me.

The road to Hell is paved wi good intentions. Just do what you were meant to do and don't make excuses

Do you think I came up the Clyde on a banana boat ? sometimes for emphasis she would say "Do you think I came up the Clyde on a banana boat swinging a bag o totties ?" Do you think I'll believe anything ?

Hinging tae my lip shouting Tarzan. I have no idea where your (insert 70's toy of your choice) eg stylophone/clackers/spacehopper is !

Your soul is as black as The Earl of Hell's waistcoat. You are very naughty.

That last one's proving just a little too phrophetic for me at the moment.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

"I'm telling on you"

Four words that make my heart sink as I know I'm going to have to referee yet another bloody disagreement.

Tonight The Beautiful Son and Beautiful Baby Daughter were engaged in their favourite sport of annoy your sibling, my children can do this to Olympic standard and their dedication to perfecting this to an art form is unparallelled.

The bicker this evening was because BBD put the kitchen light off as she left the room but TBS was still in there finishing his yoghurt. This caused some yelling and both of them tear through to moan at me as is their wont. I hate this behaviour, the "I'm telling on you" stuff, I find it tedious and infuriating. BBD reasoned that as I am always telling them to turn lights off when they leave a room, she was just doing as requested, and that TBS didn't need light to eat a frube. I have mentioned before that BBD is also known as Little Miss Last Word and can never be wrong (I wonder where she gets that from ?)

So before the last vein in my head explodes I use my Queen of the Nasty Whisper voice, it's quite scary and they vamoose upstairs, it's a fairly low tone and is usually uttered through a very tightly clenched jaw and goes a bit like this


So what do I do then ? I phone my mammy and tell tales on them ! Oh yes, the faults I hate in others are the ones I have in abundance myself. So I have a right old whinge to my mammy about their behaviour and about the fact that no one does anything to help me and how perpetually knackered I am and she speaks to each one of my children and tells them off ! She makes them promise to do more to help me around the house and suitably chastened they disappear to tidy their bedrooms.

So I now know why they persist in telling tales because your mammy makes nice to you, gives you lots of sympathy and sorts it out for you.

ps My mammy is the nicest woman in the world, truly she is, she always finds a good word for everyone, this is my disclaimer, now read what she said to me, this was after I'd stopped whinging and she's told them off, this was when we were having a proper chat

auntiegwen - Gordon's (who I used to be married to, still technically am, but my weans dad) broken his toe. He doesn't know how he did it but I had a look and it's def broken

mammy - is it hurting him then ?

auntiegwen - yeah, he says it's really sore

mammy - good, I hope it's louping (very painful)

That made us both laugh and I felt a lot better, I love my mammy

Sunday, 7 December 2008

Ho Ho Ho

Every year I don't want to think about Christmas till December and then every year around the first week in December I realise why everyone else starts in October, beacause it takes so much feckin time !!!!!

I have not started my Christmas shopping yet, today is the day I am going to venture into town and accomplish the buying of all the gifts that are on my as yet unwritten list. This will include all the stocking fillers that my 3 beloved and bigger than me children still expect.

I will also have to buy the Crabtree and Evelyn Noel candles, room spray and oil (that you put on top of a wee metal ring on your light bulb and it diffuses the scent) I will also have to buy old fashioned not very eco friendly light bulbs to put the ring on. I also need Whittards special Christmas hot chocolate powder (£5 per tin last about a week so need 4 to see the girls through to New year) I also need some new tree lights, wrapping paper, tape and Christmas cards as I have actually managed to post any for the last 2 years, if you saw me you got one if you didn't, sorry !

After I accomplish these tasks, which should take about an hour or so, purchasing gifts and such for all my 3 and my extended family, I shall stop and have a leisurely Christmas coffee in Starbucks, where I haven't been since the red cups came out as it will be empty 2 weeks before Christmas and I'll have the place to myself, ditto the parking, it'll be a breeze to pop in and get a place less than 10 miles from where I want to go.

On my return I will retrieve the tree and decorations from the attic and I will spend many hours assembling and decorating the tree and in a spirit of joyfullness and gladness to all my offspring who would care to help me. Not once will I mention that they are making the tree look like a tinkers dog. I like my tree to have clear lights and 1 colour of decs usually gold, my children favour a more colourful approach.

This should take me till around 6pm when my friend will arrive and will spend at least 3 hours telling me her latest man troubles, I will of course be extremely sympathetic about this even though I know all 3 verses and the disco chorus and sing along to them on a weekly basis. I will be ever so supportive and will find myself agreeing to spending more hours in bars looking for men with her as I will be distracted by cooking the childrens tea, signing homework diaries, finding lost kit and getting the uniforms ready for the next day.

At around 10 pm I will load the dishwasher and start to prepare my year 10's structure and mechanism of the heart lesson I should have finished yesterday but didn't as it took me so long to finish my year 12's marking. I will them prepare the craft activity I have to do with my mums and babies tomorrow at my parenting skills class, it's lovely, I am going to do the babies hand or foor prints in gold or silver on black card and put them in these pre bought tree decorations. I only have to write baby ---- first Christmas in calligraphy, and I only have a dozen.

At stupid o clock I will flop into bed wondering where my day went and I will spend a few hours trying to work out how I can get 3 days to visit my parents when I have to work on the 22nd Dec and the 2 youngest have to be with their Dad on the 24th and then again on the 26th through till New Year, actually January 2nd. I think the only thing to do is drive up after work on the 22nd and drive down late on the 23rd as thats the only time I have my full compliment of offspring so they can see my parents.

I'd much rather stay in bed. Preferably with someone making me a cup of coffee and reading me a story till I fall asleep.

Saturday, 6 December 2008

I want one of those

Yesterday Beautiful Eldest daughter went to joecryor's (beloved, beloved matey boy, has probably taken over from the Matthew as the chief matey boy, and we know how beloved the Matthew was, and if you don't know, shame on you for not keeping up !)

She was streemly tired after a very late night and a drama xam and do you know what this lovely boy did ?

He made her a cup of tea (now I did know this but you probably didn't yourself, joecryor makes the best tea in the world)

He put her into his bed, tucked her up, and whilst she drank the best tea in the world, he read her a story, it was I believe Mr Birthday from the Mr Men collection and he stayed with her till she fell asleep.

What a fab way to spend a cold dreich rainy Friday afternoon.

I want a joecryor, he is the loveliest boy in the world, after TBS, actually it's a tough call which one I prefer and that is SAYING SOMETHING (in capitals for emphasis)

ps he is normally referred to as joecryor as we have 3 matey boys with the first name of Joe,

But joecryor is the best

pps as I typed this The Beautiful Son has just brought me breakfast in bed, I love my boy so I have to say joecryor is the boy I love the best that I didn't give birth to, I'm sure you'll agree it's still very high praise !

Friday, 5 December 2008

Glasvegas and White Lies

Went back to see Glasvegas last night, this time in Wolverhampton. They were supported by this band White Lies, who were pretty awesome and got a great reception from the crowd.

I enjoyed Glasvegas more this time round. Pretty much the same songlist as Sheffield but with the addition of the new single "A Snowflake fell (and it felt like a kiss)" and the winner of the most cryptic song title of the decade "Fuck you, it's over" I nearly didn't recognize James Allan without his shades but he maybe felt he could do without them in Wolverhampton in December.

So what made this gig better than last time ? A mixture of things, I guess, there was a good crowd, plenty of beer getting thrown in the air, lots of moshing, people just seemed to be enjoying it more and there were more of us, the band seemed to be into it more too. Encores as well, there was a really brilliant bit where during the last song " Daddy's gone", the band left the stage and left us singing the " He's gone" refrain, a good moment to be part of. Fabulous support act in the White Lies, I'll go and see then again and an important point...

Starting time ?


Now that's what I call rock and roll. Primal Scream ? Would you give yourself peace !

Thursday, 4 December 2008

What did I do ?

Just to say a huge thank you to all who took the time to check if The Beautiful Son was ok after the hoo haa with the stolen bike, a big thanks to all who commented, emailed, texted and rang me, we really did appreciate it , ta muchly.

On Tuesday night in the midst of all the hoohaa over the stolen bike I was texted my friend Anne to tell her about TBS and she was texting me at the same time with this joke ! How strange was that ?

The joke said

If you saw me in the back of a police car, what crime do you think I'd have been arrested for ? reply to me and pass on.

So I sent this out to 10 people and their replies ?

My friend Vandana was worried about me and texted back immediately to check I was okay and Rob texted back that it was a very strange message. So 2 confused people.

My dear friends Sarah and Susan both thought that it could only mean I was helping the police or I'd broken down and needed a lift home, they couldn't imagine I'd done anything wrong.

My Eldest Beautiful Daughter thought I'd been sticking up for the underdog and had protested too much.

My sister thought that men got distracted by my bouncing bosoms when I was running and I had caused a car crash

My lovely Sixy thought it'd be drunk and disorderly.

My colleague thought I'd lost the plot and had done in my year 12's

Someone who knows me too well said drunk and disorderly or drug possession, thanks for that, again, my mother's so proud


1 friend, you know who you are, said it was for and I quote "Blow job in a public car park"


So, a split down the middle mixture of good girl and bad girl, fair comment really.

ps - For the record, I am never disorderly when I'm drunk, I'm flirty then I'm asleep, there may be occasions when you have to hold my hair back but that's as bad as it gets, honest !

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Crime and Punishment

The Beautiful Son has a paper round where he delivers 24 papers 6 days a week for the princely sum of £9, yep that's right in rain, hail and snow he delivers for the grand sum of £1.50 per day, it takes him about an hour.

Yesterday as normal, he left his bike outside the shop and in the 90 seconds it took him to collect his bag, someone nicked his bike. There is nowhere to chain a bike too so all the paperboys just leave them leaning against the shop window. So my uncomplaining wee scone did his round on foot and arrived home ashen faced and very trembly wondering what had happened. He pondered a few scenarios and they were as followed

a - one of his mates had ridden it home for a joke

b - that he had lost it !

c - that it had been stolen

In a way I'm glad he has that naivety still, he kept asking me, how people could do that, he couldn't comprehend that people take things that belong to other people. He wondered what their parents would say when they came home with an extra bike. His last comment was that he didn't know how they could sleep at night.

The worst part of this for him was that it was his good mate Ollie's bike that had been stolen, my son's bike had had a puncture and his mate had very kindly lent him his bike, so my wee scone now has to tell his good mate that his bike's been stolen. My son couldn't eat his tea, he was meant to go to a party last night and just couldn't face it, we went round to his friends house to tell them but no one was in, so TBS just got more and more fretful and worked up about this.

When we did tell Ollie and his Mum, they couldn't have been kinder or more understanding, they were so reassuring to TBS that it wasn't his fault and that it wasn't a bike Ollie uses much, he'd outgrown it but still we felt badly and obviously Gordon and I have offered to pay any insurance excess or replace the bike for Ollie, as I say Ollie and his parents have been so understanding about this.

The horrible thing is that despite the CCTV in the shop they are unlikely to be caught and they will probably just mess about and wreck Ollies bike. What a waste. Why do they do this ? What makes them take things that don't belong to them ? People work hard to give their children nice things , what gives anyone the right to take what's not their's ? I grew up in a council estate in Glasgow, no one had pots of money and I'm sure I would have loved a new bike but I would never have taken someone elses because I knew it was stealing and I knew it was wrong. My kids know right from wrong, why don't others ? Do people think it's worth breaking the law because it's likely they'll just be told off and some Guardian reading probation officer will put it down to bad parenting and deprivation, bollocks to that, stealing is wrong and everyone knows that.

I phoned the police to report this and they were terribly nice, the lady I spoke to asked me if my son was hurt and I was slightly puzzled for a minute and then I realised that sometimes kids bikes are taken from them forcefully, and thankfully he wasn't and she also asked me if I had reported a crime to the police in the last 12 months and I truthfully said that I had never reported a crime in my whole life and she said " You're very fortunate in that and probably quite unusual"

And I very probably am, my children have grown up in this nice middle class bubble where a lot of the nastier stuff in life hasn't managed to penetrate. I wonder now if when they leave me to live in the less protected world where there are muggings and violence, will they be able for it ?