Taught her everything she knows

Yesterday Eldest Beautiful Daughter was babysitting and had to pick the children up from school. On arrival at the school, the little lad's teacher told her that when he was putting his chair on top of his desk, it had fallen off and bumped him on the head. The teacher told her to give him a cold flannel and some TLC when she got him home.

When she was telling me about this later, I asked her if she had done what the teacher had suggested and was he okay and she replied in her own inimitable style

" Cold flannel and TLC my arse, I gave him a chocolate biscuit and let him watch Horrid Henry, he was grand "

That my friends is my daughter, been taught well , childcare - the Auntie Gwen style

My credit card bill

Just to make you all feel better about your own financial situation, I give you this month's bill...........

£758.29

Better than last month though.

You'll agree however that I am the Supreme Queen of waste your money shopping.

What was your first gig ?

Eldest beautiful daughter went to her first gig on Friday night. She went to see The Lost Prophets at Birmingham Indoor Arena and she had the best time of her life. She texted me a few times and was SO excited when she got home, she was still excited the next day, her high just stayed. She got even more giddy when I took her back to Birmingham on Saturday for a girly shopping trip and bought her more Krispy kreme donuts. The day also included Starbucks, Pizza Express and red wine, how good is that ? I financed all of the above and in return she showed me how to spot hot boys ( for the record Birmingham has lots and there are 2 male shop assistants in Topshop in the Bullring to die for ) only if you're a 15 year old emo I think. Did I get a good deal, I wonder ?

Whilst she went to The Lost Prophets, the beautiful son and I went for a pizza and then to see Wild Hogs, I had a brilliant night, my son is fabulous, he is going to be the perfect date when he's older. He loved wild hogs and laughed his little head off, I didn't find it quite as funny but couldn't stop laughing because he was so funny when he laughed. A great night,so so good.

Today beautiful baby daughter comes home, I've had a postcard saying she missed me, she was homesick but she would cope, only 1 tiny mention that she's been kayaking, no clue as to what else she'd done, just that she missed me. My parents and my sister also got cards just telling them she was homesick but with no mention of the myriad of activities she's partaking of.

2 of my friends are running the London Marathon today so big big love to Susan and Melanie. Susan is doing this for the first and last time according to her, bless her, she's had to have physio for the last 2 months and her toenails have turned black and she's even lost a few ( sorry I know it's gross) but I want to applaud her dedication. Mel is an old hand at marathons and is encouraging me to have a go, I am thinking about it though. Mel's done the New York one last year, the Dublin one this year and she doing the Toronto one is September , so she is a good example to your very lazy Auntie Gwen.
Good luck also to Susan's friend and running buddy Hilary.
Don't we feel ashamed now Sarah ? we've been talking about running the Race for Life for at least 3 years, we really need to do something about it, instead of starbucking and red wining, shame on us !!!!

To round off in a slightly cohesive fashion, I was also 15 when I went to my first gig. It was The Stranglers , November 23rd 1981 at my most favourite venue The Glasgow Apollo (RIP) so sad it's gone. I've still got the ticket. I'm not sure what my best gig was I've been really lucky and seen most of the bands I love including some greats such as U2, Simple Minds, David Bowie, Siouxie and the Banshees, The Signals AND the Finn Cousins but I will say that for sheer right of passage experience and being there with my first love The Stranglers has to be up there.

Krispy Kreme verdict

Eldest beautiful daughter loved hers
The beautiful son loved his
I only had one bite of mine and was nearly torn from limb to limb when I didn't especially like mine and proffered it up.

Gawd almighty do they ice them with crack ?

Krispy Kreme

Very busy day for your auntie Gwen today.

Beautiful baby daughter has gone to Wales on a " please don't lose, maim or kill my small child activity holiday " type school trip. As some of you may know I don't function well without my full complement of offspring. This particular trip has been done by both the eldest beautiful daughter and the beautiful son so I am slightly less of a basket case than I was on previous occasions as they both returned home with the same number of limbs they left with. They do a ferocious ammount of activities including rock climbing, abseiling, caving, canoeing, kayaking, archery and zip wire. So, as you can see it's just the thing a teacher would want to take 62 ten year olds to do ! ! She'll be back on Sunday, so just 4 sleeps till she comes home.

I was again in regional headquarters in Birmingham today on another course all to do with the fascinating topic of RaRPA, so if you're really an insomniac and need help, email and I'll send you my notes. Great craic with some of the other tutors though and we had a little peek in the shops. In Selfridges there was a massive queue at the krispy kreme counter. My colleagues did not believe I was a krispy kreme virgin and insisted that must change. I bought 1 fancy choc donut each for the EBD and TBS and I had a maple glazed one for me. I was truly shocked at the prices of them but didn't say anything because I don't want to perpetuate the untrue myth of Scottish people being mean. So very casually I smiled serenly at the wee boy behind the counter as I handed over .........

£3.90,

yes that's right £ 3.90 it costs me and I resisted the urge to scream " for 3 feckin donuts "
There were people there buying them by the dozen . Whit's that aw aboot ( TM Edge ), no seriously I am no stranger to waste your money shopping but boxes of donuts costing near enough £15 , come on .

So tonight it will be nice grown up food for tea, wine is cab Sauv, fancy donuts for afters and The Apprentice followed by Desperate Housewives on the telly. I'll do my lesson plans tomorrow and I'll let you know if we thought the do nuts were worth it.

Thank you God

I've had a bit of a difficult week this week. A few of my own personal issues, the beautiful children have been unsettled, my sister's pregnancy is not going as well as we'd hoped and then Beautiful Baby daughter scraped my neighbours car with her bike and it's going to cost £200 to repair and no she won't settle for scented candles instead of cash.

Yesterday something happened that put everything in perspective. The beautiful son and beautiful baby daughter were in a car, the car did a u turn and then out of nowhere a motorbike hit the side of them.

The car they were in was a saab and they were completely unhurt as was the driver. I got a phone call to go and collect them, the police and ambulance crew were there and they closed the road off. The motorbike driver was taken to hospital and I hope he makes a full recovery I don't think he has injured his head or neck.

Truly shocking to me was the ammount of people who were just out there watching, my children told me later that there were kids sitting on a bench opposite eating ice cream whilst this poor boy lay on the ground. What kind of parents allow their children to see this ?

I felt tremendous guilt for my initial feeling of relief and joy that my children were safe when someone else's son was lying on the ground. Please God let the boy make a full recovery.

So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU GOD my children are ok they are obviously quite shaken up by what they've been through but they are safe and unhurt, my sister is still pregnant and all the rest of the shit in my life I can find a way to deal with.

Boys and their toys

One of my friends rang me on Tuesday night, having a nice wee chat and they'd read my blog that day about my gadget mad dad and confessed they also had a spare telly and various other bits of electrical equipment.

Last night I got a text from another friend who told me they's been shopping and bought a new digital camera and a digital photo frame ( no , I've no clue what it is either).

Gender of both these friends is male and they say that women like shopping !!!

More worrying is the fact that I actually have about 4 men that I now like, feck I'd better be careful, it'll be Guardian readers next ...........

Back again

Just back from our Easter visit home to the Mother Country. All good, had a lovely time with family in Glasgow and then through to Edinburgh to visit friends. Very well behaved I was and not one single solitary drop of the red stuff did I partake of.

Worst child of the week award goes to the beautiful son who is becoming a sulky wee sod, I cannot bear sulking, it really ticks me off. He nearly redeemed himself by giving me the best laugh of the week when as requested I drove him to see Murrayfield Stadium and told him it was customary to get out and kiss the ground it was on and he did ! but he really is getting whiney when he doesn't get his own way.

My gadget mad Dad gave me a spare telly as he's bought a new one and also 2 new telephones as he's bought some swanky new ones. Again boys and their toys. I did persuade him not to buy sat nav as only my mum can drive and she only goes to the supermarket and my sisters house.

Feeling a bit tired after my visit home, I've eaten far too much rubbish, haven't run since last Wednesday and haven't had enough sleep. My skin's in rag order and why the hell have I got wrinkles and spots ? that just doesn't seem fair, I'll be thinking God's a bloke soon.

Still feckin here

Should have been in the Mother Country by now. Had a phone call asking me if I would like to teach a short 4 week parenting course. Please write it and come and present your outline to the local high school's business manager. Jeez, you wouldn't think high school's would need business manager's would you ?

As I have no money due to buying all the scented candles and waste your money shopping I do, I don't say sorry it's the holidays and I'm going away, I knuckle down and write a course outline and plan some lessons. I've done this before for the same person and I'm still waiting on the course to run, the joy of being freelance ! So I know I'll have a shorter break, upset the beautiful children, do shed loads of work and might still get nothing out of it.

They don't want it called a parenting course as if they do the people who need it might not come. I have to teach people to bring up their kids but pretend I'm not teaching them .

The news that not only are we leaving later but also having to come back earlier as I have to go to a meeting on April 11th, goes down like a lead balloon. My kids ADORE my parents and are really close to them, EBD has arranged to stay with her friend in Edinburgh and this is being cut really short, everybody is pissed off, including me. TBS is usually the most placid and easy going of the 3 and who never gets cross with me, makes his feeling known and I am shocked to be spoken to like that by him. BBD who I thought would be the worst is a real wee star about it.

Lots of tears and tantrums later I go back to the pc to finish the feckin thing. As I'm typing the course title ( chosen by the school and not me) the EBD walks past and reads aloud

How to have Happy Children

and remarks in her ironic teenage way " good luck with that mum"

I'm going to add an extra week onto it and call it how to have kids happy or otherwise and remain sane !

So today I am driving to Scotland and I will now be returning on the 10th when I will resume my normal ramblings. again, have a great Easter xxx