Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Things you don't want to read

Dear Client

Please be advised that Travel Junky is currently in the process of entering into voluntary liquidation and will cease trading formally on 31/05/2011 (today)

This is what greeted me this morning in an email and I clicked on it quite happily as I thought it contained my boarding passes for next weeks trip to Portugal.

And as I am not turning into my mother AT ALL, I am completely reassured by their declaration that " If you have made a booking with us and are concerned about receiving our service then you do not need to worry because all our suppliers have already been paid in full so no clients should be affected by this"

Sure, it'll all be fine. I'm not concerned at all, not even a teeny tiny bit.

Friday, 27 May 2011

The auntie needs a new kitchen post.

I need a new kitchen, mine is shabby and tired, slightly falling apart and going off colour, a bit like me in room form.

I have 3 Cath Kidston tea towels, some flowery clothes peg fridge magnets (xmas pressie from my friend Sixy)and some wobble stripe CK oven gloves just quivering in retro style floral porn anticipation. I even bought a set of Kitchen Devil knives. But no nice new apple green painted walls and cream shaker style units with silver bar handles and a pastel ice cream coloured smeg fridge dream kitchen to put them in.

All together now poor, poor auntie.

But I have a cunning plan.

Not like The Beautiful Son's plan of sleeping with older people for money, I fear I may not get enough for the paint. A betterer plan. Remember when Peter Kay did his "Mum wants a bungalow" tour? This is the "auntie needs a new kitchen" campaign.

Hot Boy has always said when he gets famous (outside of Germany, where his band are really, really popular) he will buy me a new kitchen.

Today Hot Boy's band who I think should call themselves Hot Boy's Band, loads of people searching on T'internets will be lead to their site (yes, I think it is a much better name, I thought it up all by my very own self) anyhoo they release their album "Of regard and affection" today. They, however, are still sticking with calling themselves i am in love.

If you all buy the album and tell everyone you know to buy the album, Hot Boy will become famous and will have to buy me a new kitchen to stop me telling the tales that couldn't be put on the blog, yep that's right, you had the heavily edited highlights. God help us all, you only get a smidgen of what he's like.

He will be 21 on Monday and has a huge exam to sit today so send all good positive vibes his way, pleasey please, and if you wanted a good 21st pressie or passing your exams pressie...

Or Eldest Beautiful Daughter has said she'll marry Prince Harry.

She has a 3 pronged strategy for meeting him so he can fall madly in love with her

1 - She teaches at a military school and he comes on an official visit

2 - William and Kate have a child that she becomes the personal tutor of

3 - When Hot Boy is playing at the festivals this summer, she will be hanging around in the VIP area as Hot Boy's plus one and as Hot Boy is wooing the crowds she will engage Prince Harry in flirty banter about her red and white polka dot wellies.

So, the choice dear readers is up to you, you can pay the money for Hot Boy's album or EBD will have to marry into clan Windsor.

You know what's the right thing to do.

Monday, 23 May 2011

We survived

So, the world didn't end and it's still business as usual. I'm sure we all enjoyed the skiving off part though but it was a bit pants to realise I did actually have to clean up and get back to work.

I am a poorly auntie, if I was a man I would have flu but as a mere auntie I just have a cold. I am feeling slightly under par so have retreated to bed (after finishing work of course, couldn't let my unblemished I've never had a day off sick record go, could I?)

I love my bed with a passion some people reserve for their spouses. Nothing makes your auntie more cheery than going to bed. And now I can take to my bed, sans guilt, in the manner of a consumptive Victorian heroine, I have the cough nailed. Please feel free to pop by with grapes and anything else you think would make auntie better.

And so, dear readers I shall leave you with the bed of loveliness in all it's glory.

Scroll down, let's have a little anticipation.

I paid The White Company a lot of money for my bed linen, you know, let's get my money's worth.

Ta da!!!!!

Middle class porn for middle aged ladies at it's best, I'm sure you'll agree

Friday, 20 May 2011

The end.

Well my lovely readers, it's been a blast, 4 years of me spouting the gospel of St Gwen, patron saint of procrastinators, middle aged women and failed grown ups.

All good things must come to an end and so I bid thee farewell, if the world does end tomorrow at 6pm I am not wasting my last day cleaning the kitchen, I will retreat to the garden and read a book, but what a choice I have to make, I mean if this is my last book I want it to be a good one.

And tonight I will have everyone I love with me (except Hot Boy as his band have a gig at The Good Ship in Kilburn, if you're local pop along) and we will eat drink and be merry.

And if the world doesn't end tomorrow I will have had my day in the sun and the Kasabian tickets, forthcoming trip to Portugal and new high heel peep toe wedges won't go to waste.

See you on the other side. Failing that probably next week.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Where did I go wrong?

I have a lovely son, a son that I love and adore, a son I have tried so hard to make into a well rounded human being (okay a regular human)

Sometimes I think I've cracked it, he'll show me a depth of feeling or a sense of empathy and understanding that I am still surprised by, and I will allow myself a proud mummy feeling. I will bask in the glow of maternal pride and think I made him.

Other times not so much.

On Saturday he was telling me about his cunning plan to make money. He is going to find himself an older lady who he will accompany to parties and business functions and he will then sleep with her. For money.

My son, aspiring to be on the game. I am so proud, my friends sons only want to Doctors and lawyers, my son wants to be a gigolo.

He has found a website called sugarmommies which promises to spoil young men and he is so looking forward to being 16 so he can join said site.

Far be it from me to tell him of the flaws in his cunning plan. I am sure that successful business women will be flocking to him, every woman who has climbed the corporate ladder would be dying to have a 6 foot 2 lump of useless who needs washing, dressing and plugging into his Ipod every morning, wouldn't she?

And I'm sure any ones work colleagues would be madly impressed with his urbane chit chat about Facebook, the best laughing babies on youtube and his extensive Call of Duty knowledge. He could whisper sweet nothings in her ear in his best GCSE French. He could wake her up every morning with a cup of coffee before he goes off to do his paper round. Who could fail to be jealous as he turns up on his BMX to collect his lady friend and give her a backy to said business functions with his pants on show to the world. And I'm sure he'd wear his best Jack Wills ones for such a lucky lady.

Flawless plan son, who wouldn't want to date this fine specimen of male?

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

In the last month I have been mainly...

at the beautiful house with the people I love, sunshine, good food, gin and laughter. Not too shabby, is it?

In other news...

Hot Boy and his band (whom he's rejoined but not sure if he's staying, lots of hard decisions to be made) have been played on Radio 1 as part of their introducing programme, please have a listen and buy lots of their stuff (album out on May 27th), Hot Boy has promised me a new fitted kitchen if they get famous, you wouldn't deny auntie a new kitchen, would you?

He's the one on the right of the picture, he's either in his black hoody with tartan shirt or stripped down to his burgundy vest. How he'll love that in years to come.

Eldest Beautiful Daughter has been in a Catholic school on a teaching placement. One of her first jobs was to escort the children to Mass, she's sat with a naughty child on either side of her and she's a bit bemused with the genuflecting and all, very different from her Presbyterian church going and naughty child says (in tones of great incredulity) "Miss, have you never been in a church before?"

The Beautiful Son is completely denying the need for any GCSE revision. He continues in his mad notion that exams are a reflection of what he knows on the day and any kind of revision is therefore cheating. Shame he's not doing GCSE's in Call of Duty or looking at laughing babies on youtube or annoying your wee sister. We'd be grand then.

Beautiful Baby Daughter is currently dementing me with her prom, I think it's a mad notion that when she leaves middle school aged 14, I have to lash out tons of cash for her to be in a frock more suitable for a nightclub (yes I am aware of how old that makes me sound, thank you very much) a hair do, and a ride to school prom in a limousine, is she from Essex? I think not. This bloody thing isn't until mid July but I am bored to death looking for shoes, dresses, accessories and I have abso bloody lutley refused both the fake tan and the white Hummer/pink stretch/fire engine or any other form of transportation that isn't a regular car. I know, bah Humbug phone Childline.

I am still working, still trying (and failing) to lose weight although I have started Zumba and last Wednesday myself and my friend Eileen went to our first fat loss body conditioning class, it was Sunday before I could walk down stairs without wincing. I know know what I'll be like as a pensioner. I am continuing to turn into my mother and it's escalated a fair bit. My forgetfulness and my misplacement of things is now up to Olympic standard currently searching for 200 cigarettes I brought back duty free for my dad last October (I had even forgotten I'd bought them till my mum asked them to bring them with me when I next go home) on the plus side I have found both my denim jacket and my Tiffany necklace. I don't live in a huge house, just a tip.

And that's been about it. What have you been up to?