Friday 9 November 2012

In which I am temporarily deranged

Last week I was complaining about my mother and then almost to illustrate the point that I am turning into her, I completely lose the plot. Do you need a middle aged woman alert? thought not, that's what you expect now really.

I could cite you several examples of my losing what few marbles I have, I could regale you of how I am so unenamoured of my new smart phone (cue hoots of derisory and slightly maniacal laughter from your auntie) and how my handbag (Cath Kidston large canvas tote, greyey bluey with polka dots, what? I know some of you were wondering) seems to keep accessing the interwebs upon it, resulting in 02 texting me to tell me I have used up all my data allowance. This has resulting in me keeping my phone switched off and I now switch it on once a day to check if anyone has texted or rang me. So, to recap I have a fancy phone that I chose so I could tweet and bookface and blog and email and chat and text etc etc all the time, so I could be part of the digital revolution and I now keep it switched off and check once per day. It is driving the beautiful children wild, all that technology going to waste. I am only feeling slightly superior to my mother in that I can actually text on it, albeit at arms length and with very wild spelling (the keys are very small and it's a qwerty keyboard, c'mon it's dead easy to hit the key next to the one you were aiming for.)Plus, I do keep it with me at all times just in case I need it, it's not in the kitchen drawer with the tea towels like my mother's.

I could recount the middle aged lady noises I made when I received a work email and in the signature at the bottom, not only was there the person's name and job title, there was also a photograph. A sultry pouty pose peering over one shoulder with a startling heavy blusher application to confirm that indeed the 12 year old child sending me the email was indeed a (and I quote) human resources executive.

We will brush over the fact that in the middle of the new James Bond film, I got overly excited and at a moment of much action upon the screen (I think the lady with the curly hair was kicking someone/something - I had eaten myself into a sugar coma at this stage) I exclaimed, in a not as quiet as it should have been, voice "Those are the Jimmy Choo's I want, they're called Lace" I don't think all the James Bond fans who were appreciating the film needed my fashion interjection.

And finally, in a shamefaced, fess it all up fashion. I completely lost the plot and spent £210 on madly expensive goop for my face. And as if we needed any more proof of how mental/old I am, I couldn't even read the damned instructions on how to apply it (even at arm's length), for all I know it could say " Ha ha ha, we have your money old woman, you are old and now £210 poorer, you don't need instructions, you will still be old even with the £210 cream, it matters not a jot in what order you apply them, in what way, use liberally and come back and buy more, sucker"

I still feel queasy when I think of what that money would buy, I have tried all the justification maths but I can't justify spending it at all, in any way, shape or form. This is nice lady things gone mad. I could give you my top 3 excuses as to why I succumbed to the hype

I am old, I would say I am middle aged but unless I live to 92 I would be lying

My skin tone would be scary to the general public if I went out with a naked face

My daughters are in that lovely youthful bloom stage and I just look awful by comparison (maybe I should make friends with some 80 year olds? then I would look better)

I just want to look like the best version of me I can, I am getting older, I don't look as good as I did 5 years ago and I'm doing all the right stuff, I run, I drink water, I eat healthily, I don't drink much now at all, I sleep well and usually 8 hours a night but I still look old. I have to accept the inevitibilty of ageing but I don't want to yet.

Thank God I don't have the money for plastic surgery, you wouldn't recognise me.


Nota Bene said...

Yep mad as a box of can switch the data off rather than the whole phone...surely the younger versions of you should have told you that? I shall never understand women and shoes.

Sueann said...

Ha!! I think you have technocosis. Fear of technoolgy taking over your life and guess what...your running from it has caused it to take over your life!! Ha!
Turn on your phone dear one and get unlimited text and data coverage. You will be glad you did.
Good luck!
As for the creams and lotions...Olive Oil and Preparation H are wonderful facial treatments.
Prep H shrinks up the lines around the mouth and eyes. It really works.

auntiegwen said...

NB - as always, thanks for the support, the younger versions of me find it far too entertaining to watch me struggle, as for the shoes - did you not see them?

SueAnn - is preparation H not for your haemorrhoids? I suppose it would be worth a try as long as you got first go of the tube...

AGuidingLife said...

I wasn't going to go to see the film but if the shoes are good I may reconsider. Lace are nice but a tad high for my back.

After a quick read, prep h is possible but it's more of a need a quick fix temporary thing than a daily thing. It is worth you attacking the ageing now and feeding your skin well. In another 20 years time the difference will show. Don't forget your neck and collar bone area. My older friend says she wishes she'd remembered her neck.

Social media is a time drainer, keep the phone turned off!

auntiegwen said...

Keloggs Ville - It's a bit shooty bang crash for my tastes and I appear to be in the minority of middle aged women by not fancying Daniel Craig but it's by all informed accounts a good Bond film. As for the shoes, swooon swoon be still my beating heart, if I include my neck and collarbone in the fancy creaming I will NEVER be able to afford Choo's !!!

Mac n' Janet said...

I too broke down and bought an iphone because I wanted all the bells and whistles. It now lives in the bottom of my backpack/purse and I guess poor Siri has to talk to herself.

Mac n' Janet said...

I too broke down and bought an iphone because I wanted all the bells and whistles. It now lives in the bottom of my backpack/purse and I guess poor Siri has to talk to herself.

Mac n' Janet said...

I broke down and bought an Apple iphone because I wanted all the bells and whistles, but except for using it when we travel it lives forlornly in the bottom of my backpack/purse turned off. I guess Siri talks to herself.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

I love my budget smartphone and Smiley's iPad and my laptop and all of it! My son even called me a geek the other day. I was shocked. But I turn off data when out and about unless I actually have time to sit and surf, mostly t'phone is used for texts and photos :) Don't know what to say about the skin, I'm a few years ahead of you and things do change, but the good news is that I really don't care that much anymore :)

Mrs Worthington said...

Like so many other things we have in common I'm afraid I'm with you on this too although have to say I'm better on technology front. Love the fact that Janet Mac comment is duplicated as if to illustrate by example. Must dash have middle age potions and lotions to rub in

Andy said...

If you were prepared to pay £210 for face goop, you may be interested in these beans I have for sale. They're magic you know....

Working Mum said...

I'm so glad you're back, you've really cheered me up. Just as long as I don't think about the fact that this will be my life fairly soon!

mannanan said...

What? £210 for face cream......yes I think you were temporarily deranged. I've heard that Preparation H, a cream to cure piles, works wonders on the face and at less than a fiver a tube it's got to be worth a go....So glad you are back....Your ranting makes me smile.

Unknown said...

Oh man! That face cream robbed you off. A face cream for £210. I can't believe it. That's preposterous.
Eagan Fitness Center

Helena said...'re still young at heart, Gwen, and that's something you can't squeeze out of a tube! I wish you could - coz there are some I'd lather the stuff on - pricey or not!

Taz said...

Everything you've written about your relationship with your Mother..... you could have been inside my head :/

Trish said...

£210 for face cream. Bloody hell, woman! I see even your spam commenter is aghast!

(just catching up on your posts. Hope things progressing with your mum and she's maybe been persuaded to get some help?)

Curry Queen said...

I was lusting after some pricey face goop but my kids told me it was a waste of time and money and the thing I needed was some Creme de la Mare. :-(

auntiegwen said...

M & J - I'm with you, who needs to talk to Siri?

LFBS - I wish I could be a geek

Mrs W - I've seen photos of you, you look amazing and not in any need of my industrial strength cream

Andy - save them for your new house, you'll need them

WM - I'm sure not, you're way younger than me

mannaman - I know, completely bonkers moment but looking really old at the moment, - I would put hashtag desperation bt I couldn't find the wee hashtag thingy on my laptop so had to type the whole word, therefore provong my point of my ageing

devlin - the going rate for that cream apparently

Lena - I bloomin wish, I;m a pensioner at heart

taz - that seemd to strike a cord with a few of us, is it your turn to have her for Xmas? I will pray for no snow to keep herw ith you xx

Trish - went temporarily bonkers but tis a measure of my desperation, not a hope of my mother getting help, I will be still writing about her refusal to accept for years yet

CQ - ah the famous horse lotion, gotta love those fresh faced kids and their sense of humour, but one day they will also be old, mwa ha ha ha

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