Things I would really like to say

To the guests who are 1 week in of a 2 week stay in our villa.
Please go home now, it will save me a fortune. In 1 week, you have called our property management agents out 4 times. We have bought an extra 6 pillows for your comfort, replaced the hob and have been out twice to repair the air con units you have burnt out as you have left every feckin unit on for every feckin hour of the day. We wouldn't mind but each time the agent or the repair man has shown up, you are outside with the air con on indoors. I am dreading my electricity bill. Feck off home, it has cost me more to have you there than you gave me in the first place.




To my youngest child
We live in Market Harborough, not Alaska, it's not that bad. Also, if you want a £900 plane ticket bought so you can spend 3 weeks in America this summer, plus your spending money, I won't have enough to also buy you a motor bike so you can get the hell out of Dodge  (sorry Market Harborough) and also the maintenance money your dad gives me for you is not meant to be spend penny for penny on your clothes and entertainment. It also has to cover the roof over your head, food, travel, toiletries, the council tax, the gas bill, the electric bill, phone, broadband, water and all of life's other luxuries. Quit your whining.




To my next door but one neighbours
There are 2 reason that most people are unfamiliar with the whole of Dolly Parton's back catalogue, one is taste and the other? we call them ears. Mine work okay, from two doors down with the windows closed, I work from home, when chatting to a consultant neurosurgeon on the phone, when I am trying to use my two bob words and impress him, the full pelt Dolly isn't helping my "take me seriously so I can earn enough to pay for villa guests and children's plane fares, never mind a Mulberry handbag"




My beloved husband's ex partner
Your behaviour is quite unbelievable and hugely unacceptable. The person who will be most hurt by it is your son. Wise the fuck up, he won't be 8 forever, he will soon know that you are way out of line.




My beloved husband's ex partners new partner
You are beneath contempt. You should also, wise the fuck up, because again, he won't be 8 forever. One day he might have to choose your care home and I hope he chooses one that has the same ridiculous rules for you as you have for him. Think on.


Rantie auntie wine fulled rant now over