Friday 11 July 2014

Things I would really like to say

To the guests who are 1 week in of a 2 week stay in our villa.
Please go home now, it will save me a fortune. In 1 week, you have called our property management agents out 4 times. We have bought an extra 6 pillows for your comfort, replaced the hob and have been out twice to repair the air con units you have burnt out as you have left every feckin unit on for every feckin hour of the day. We wouldn't mind but each time the agent or the repair man has shown up, you are outside with the air con on indoors. I am dreading my electricity bill. Feck off home, it has cost me more to have you there than you gave me in the first place.

To my youngest child
We live in Market Harborough, not Alaska, it's not that bad. Also, if you want a £900 plane ticket bought so you can spend 3 weeks in America this summer, plus your spending money, I won't have enough to also buy you a motor bike so you can get the hell out of Dodge  (sorry Market Harborough) and also the maintenance money your dad gives me for you is not meant to be spend penny for penny on your clothes and entertainment. It also has to cover the roof over your head, food, travel, toiletries, the council tax, the gas bill, the electric bill, phone, broadband, water and all of life's other luxuries. Quit your whining.

To my next door but one neighbours
There are 2 reason that most people are unfamiliar with the whole of Dolly Parton's back catalogue, one is taste and the other? we call them ears. Mine work okay, from two doors down with the windows closed, I work from home, when chatting to a consultant neurosurgeon on the phone, when I am trying to use my two bob words and impress him, the full pelt Dolly isn't helping my "take me seriously so I can earn enough to pay for villa guests and children's plane fares, never mind a Mulberry handbag"

My beloved husband's ex partner
Your behaviour is quite unbelievable and hugely unacceptable. The person who will be most hurt by it is your son. Wise the fuck up, he won't be 8 forever, he will soon know that you are way out of line.

My beloved husband's ex partners new partner
You are beneath contempt. You should also, wise the fuck up, because again, he won't be 8 forever. One day he might have to choose your care home and I hope he chooses one that has the same ridiculous rules for you as you have for him. Think on.

Rantie auntie wine fulled rant now over


Mac n' Janet said...

Well said!

libby said...

I love you x

libby said...

Will you still like me even though I love Dolly?...and she does have a song called '2 doors down' y'know.....x

London City (mum) said...

Fab stuff. You put in words what many only think of.


Curry Queen said...

Hahahaha - I hope to God I never fall out with you, AG! x

AGuidingLife said...

oh corky blimey, you're having one hell of day - get out for a run and get it out of your system. Alternatively ..... GIN

Much Love xxx

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Well that put a lot of people in their place, and deservedly by the sound of it.. Go auntiegwen! xx

auntiegwen said...

m & J - in my head, I am ace at this, in my real life I am properly rubbish

Libs - I love you too, and I apparently am clearly out of step with everyone else for not loving the Dolly x

LCM - only in my head, never in real life, in real life I appease everyone and seethe a hole in my stomach lining

CQ - truly, these things would never come out of my mouth, I only get to strap on a pair via the relative anonymity of the internet x

K - yep, nothing like a run to clear the head, I didn't have a run yesterday but we did have loads of gin, we had a gin off with our friends, they brought their WE fave and we introduced them to Two Birds, Market Harborough's finest :) I don't know who won, but we were all very happy at 2am xx

LFBS - oh I wish I could put them in their place, you see they will keep doing all this stuff unless I tell them to stop, but I am a wuss and just rant on here xxx

Nota Bene said...

Ouch...but no doubt all very well deserved

Velveteen Rabbit said...

Oh auntiegwen (a brief nosey visit after I messaged you) I think we all need a 'Things I would like to say' wall! Sometimes it just needs to be out there...but so much simpler to rant to us :)

Family Affairs said...

I sympathise with nearly all those rants…except the villa one as I don't have that problem…but ex's partners and kids?? How much time have you got - I can't rant on my blog anymore as too many people reading!! SO frustrating Lx