Friday, 12 August 2016

Fifty - not out

Today I am fifty, I don't feel it at all,  in my head fifty is a lot older than me, which is clearly nonsense. It's been a strange birthday, I was looking forward to it, my 40th birthday was during the demise of my first marriage and it fairly put me off Barcelona I can tell you, a lot has changed in the decade and I was really hopeful that myself and my lovely new husband would enjoy our trip to India for my 50th
Sadly my lovely gadget mad dad, who some of you have been reading about for many years died on July 22nd. We have had a truly grim time over the last year or so and his end was in no way reflective of the man he was. As my mums dementia is so advanced I am the person who has to take care of it all. I didn't realise how grief and possibly guilt can make people behave in such a peculiar fashion and a dreadful time was made so much worse by this. At one point I thought I would never speak to my sister again and I am most definite that I will never be in the same room as my dads sister who was actually asked to leave the undertakers due to her behaviour. We ended up with a funeral that was  nothing like he was but his View always was when you're dead, you're dead and people were adamant on having their own way  and I just didn't have the fight in me.
Today I realised that neither of my parents would ever be able to wish me happy birthday again and I am sad. Of course I realise that I am 50 and lots of people lose their parents much before this and that I have a fabulous family of my own which just keeps growing and growing.
I think this holiday is a little hiatus after the shock and then the sorting out of the funeral but I know when I go back that I will have to clear their house which is choc full of things my dad thought of as treasures but in reality is just full of his personality and dreams. After that the house will be so.d to pay my mums £850 per week care home costs.

The last thing my dad ever said to me was that he loved me, we ended every conversation with those words, I am very happy we did. As always, deo gratias.


16 comments:

London City (mum) said...

Oh Auntie, so sorry to hear such sad news, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY dear girl - we are the same age, did you know that?
Surely a silver lining if there ever was one to know that your share your birth year with the wet suited one.

And I am sure your dad is dancing around the clouds singing your praises to all and sundry, smiling down on his good fortune of having such a wonderful daughter as yourself. May your memories of him be many and may they always be happy ones.

LCM x

Mac n' Janet said...

So sorry for your loss. My Mom died when I was in my 40's, it was expected, but hard. My Dad died 10 years later without warning and it was devastating. I was an orphan. Didn't matter how old I was I was an orphan, so I know how you feel. Though your Mom is alive, the lady you knew is gone, so you too are an orphan.
Relatives in time of stress can just be killers. I'm sure your Dad knew you'd do the best you could no matter who stood in your way.
How beautiful that those were your last words with him.
On the other subject, Happy Birthday, enjoy India and don't get too sick. We're off to Japan and Cambodia soon.

Catharine Swash said...

Hon; hugz

Catharine Swash said...

Hon; hugz

Gigi said...

Oh Gwen - I am SO sorry for your loss! It is so difficult to lose a parent. I'm sending lots of love and hugs across the pond.

And you? Fifty? I'm stunned. I hope you've had a very happy birthday. xo

libby said...

AG....we are so sorry...will email you......much love xxxx

ADDY said...

So sorry to read this and such a shame your Dad did not survive your 50th to wish you a half-century. Sounds like you had a hard time at the funeral and will have a lot to bear in looking after your mum (what horrendous care-home costs, by the way). Belated happy birthday. If it's any consolation, I am 65, still feel like a 30-year-old on the inside and am told I look 50 on the outside. Age is just a number. If all else fails, lie and count backwards!

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Belated Happy Birthday and I hope that India is helping you to take time out and maybe process all the sad things that have happened in the past year, it does sound completely horrendous. So sorry about your Dad, just glad that those final words were the right ones xx

Ayak said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I still miss mine even though he died 15 years ago. I hope you had an enjoyable birthday xxx

Lesley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lesley said...

Terribly sorry to hear about your dad. I hope that India is wonderful and goes some way to blunting the trauma of it all.

Little Red Hen said...

Condolences on your loss. The grief is bad enough without having to deal with all the other crap. Hopefully your birthday trip will distract you for a bit. Take care.

katyboo1 said...

All the love for you. So sorry to hear about the horridness of your dad's death. I'm so glad you knew he loved you and you loved him in return. xxx

Suburbia said...

So sorry for your loss. Such a crap time - but 50 has been ok this end so there is hope.

aScotinItaly said...

So sorry to hear about your dad Gwen. I've only just found you again after a very long time..Take care x

Trish Burgess said...

Have only just got round to reading this. I'm so sorry your lovely Dad has died and for all the awful business about people, funerals etc. Sending you my love and best wishes and hope things start to feel easier.
I didn't like turning 50. I didn't mind 40 but 50 was pants. I agree, I don't feel it so it isn't real.