What I did on my visit to The Mother Country

Arrived back safely from the Mother Country. Had a good time as always, the beautiful parents are well as is the beautiful sister and her family. Had a very squiffy night out in Edinburgh on Saturday, your auntie had FOUR glasses of the red falling down stuff, visited some fave old haunts including The Living Room and some new ones Tiger Lily and a really lovely Thai restaurant called Ducit's. I had to have a fairly quiet day on Sunday to recover from the 4 glass Saturday however, I am such a wuss.

I have spent SO much money again, my credit card bill was so bad I couldn't even blog it this month. Splurges have included a mini meltdown in White Stuff, fabulous, fabulous high heeled wedges (2 pairs) in a shop I have just discovered in Glasgow called Aldo, white jeans ala Liz Hurley, 8 books, 2 new handbags and I managed to get my hands on the sold out, it's so hot you'd swop your granny for it Protect and Perfect serum. Serious shopping indeed.

The real big spend is my new mobile telephone, it is very very what splendid and the Eldest Beautiful Daughter is tres tres jealous. It does everything except bring you a cup of tea in the morning. EBD keeps muttering on that I only ring 3 people a month and I text like a granny, so what is the point of me having such a sexy phone. Today I watched a slide show of the beautiful children, surfed the internet on it AND downloaded the Sex and the City theme tune as my ring tone, how good is that ? Auntie Gwen's cup of happiness runneth over.

A big thank you to all my friends and family who made the time to see me and if you didn't make time to see me, then shame on you.

Just count your blessings girl !!!

I try really hard to be upbeat and sunny, I'm not one of those people who always moans about how shit their life is, honest. My life is turning out to be completely different to the way I imagined it but I am so not complaining about it, there are masses of positive things in my life, truly.

Today I have had a shocker of a day. So to cheer myself up, I will count my blessings

I have THE most special, unique and fabulous family, The Beautiful Children, The Beautiful Parents and The Beautiful Sister and her family.

The beautiful parents are home from my house in Turkey and can stop "helping" me.

My work is still fabulous and fulfilling and my learners are brilliant and I love teaching them.

Parents night for The Beautiful Son has passed and was really very encouraging, he chats a bit but all teachers I spoke to commented on what a good person he is and how much they liked him and enjoyed teaching him. Also The Beautiful Son is being presented with a prize for his part in the school rugby team.

Beautiful eldest daughter is still going to school, what she does there is another matter. She was in a drama showcase on Sat and again she stunned me with her talent. She looked, as always, extremely beautiful, which wasn't easy as she was playing the part of a cave woman.

Beautiful baby daughter is trying to become a more diet version of her personality as the full fat version has been proving rather tricky of late. This am when I was really upset she was really really comforting and extremely sweet. I love my baby so much.

I am coming home to The Mother Country on Saturday and staying for the half term week.

Some of The Beautiful friends I know will be seeing me and I hope some of the other beautiful friends will make time to see me.

The Beautiful House

Now you know that I am a lucky girl, I have the beautiful children, the beautiful friends, the fabulous job and you have had a mention of the beautiful parents. I am also lucky enough to own the beautiful house. It is a villa on the Turquoise coast in Turkey. It is dearly dearly loved by me and I feel more attached to it than any other house I've ever lived in.

At the moment the beautiful parents are spending a 2 week holiday there. They very kindly go out at this time each year and check that everything is ok as usually it has been closed up for a few months over the winter. They are always extremely kind and get the house into order for the paying guests who rent our villa over the summer. I usually have several quite confusing conversations with my mother as to what they've done and why. She speaks with machine gun speed and about several topics at once and hangs up really quickly as she's conscious of the credit on her mobile running out. Then she switches her phone off and I can never really get a full understanding of what's going on so I try and ring back but it's no good, the phone is switched off, she never checks her voicemail and she can't read text messages. In short I worry more about my house when TBP are there than with any other guests.

In the week they have been there, my parents ( well, really my gadget mad dad ) have replaced my satellite dish, installed an upgraded form of cable tv and then uninstalled it as it contained fairly graphic pornography channels. How I would have loved to see my pensioner mother trying to find that phrase in her Turkish for Beginners book !!!

They have upgraded the garden lighting and the pool lighting which was kept basic as electricity is shockingly expensive in Turkey, and really when guests are on holiday they don't check if they've switched off all the lights etc they just get drunk and go to bed leaving every bloody light in the place on. Fair enough I've done it myself when I've rented someone elses villa.

The most bizarre thing of all is that they've changed my front door locks, why I don't know. This has necessitated having the electric card re soldered to the key ( so you can't leave all the air con units on when you're out, which people do ), a new spare set of keys cut for the property management agents and another set cut for me. Whilst I was trying to organise this from England (as I know that my mother will have just gone out and got a new front door lock) I had to send several e mails to the agents and my next door neighbours in Turkey because my mother has her phone switched off, I rang my sister to say if mum phoned her would she get her to call me. When I explained this all to her she told me that in all probability there would be nothing wrong with the door. When my sister and her family went with TBP to the villa last year, neither of the parents could open the door, so my brother in law had to do it. Sometimes my sister would arrive home and find them waiting in the garden having been back for ages ..........

So before my head twirls round 3 times and explodes from the stress of having 2 people who really shouldn't be allowed out by themselves never mind leave the country "helping" me out, I just have to look again at the pictures. Incidentally the 2 little people on the beach are The Beautiful Son and Beautiful Baby Daughter.

Driving Mummy Mental

It is a given that I love my children, I cannot articulate how much my 3 mean to me. They all have their moments but I usually manage not to get bent out of shape by them. This is my disclaimer.

This past week has been tricky, I went through a red light, I'm busy at work, I am writing a new course to start next month, been asked to prepare another course for Sept and with the course I am currently teaching, I spend more time doing paperwork, lesson plans, Rarpa documentation etc than I actually do teaching, and then the news to gladden any teachers heart, Ofsted are a comin. Yaay, cue the gospel chorus singing "Oh happy days" !

The beautiful son and his maddest mate have been making kids jackass videos and posting them on google. This involves them doing all sorts of STUPID stuff including jumping off bikes at high speeds, hitting each other in the nuts and climbing out of upstairs windows, you get the picture. This is not the stupidest thing they've done but it sets the scene for you.

On Friday TBS had his maddest mate to sleep over, they wanted to sleep in the lounge so they could look for naked women on the tv late at night. No problem. Next morning I get up at 7.30 am and on 1 sofa I have TBS fast asleep under his duvet. On the other sofa no one, no maddest mate, no duvet. I go upstairs to check if MM has slept in TBS room, bed empty, check the whole house no MM. Trying not to scream I wake up TBS who has no clue where MM is. Then I see a note been pushed through the front door. It's from MM mother apologising, MM couldn't get to sleep, so packed up all his kit and walked home at half past midnight in his pyjamas......

So this daftest of daft small boys chose not to tell anyone as he didn't want to disturb us as we were all asleep, didn't phone his own parents, just arrived home and banged on his door till his mother woke up and let him in, leaving my front door unlocked all night. His mother came round and left me the note as she didn't want to wake up the whole house by ringing. I don't even want to think what could have happened to him on his own at that time of night.

Never in my wildest dreams did I worry about losing a child from my home, I said goodnight to them, locked the doors and went to bed. No one would think that an 11 year old boy would go home in the middle of the night without telling anyone. You should really expect the unexpected with this boy though.

So let me remind you what I do for a living. I teach childcare and parenting skills.

Notice of Intended Prosecution

Just arrived home from work. Picked up the usual junk mail and another official looking envelope addressed to yours truly. Out pops a notice of intended prosecution for your Auntie Gwen. At 9.08 am on Mon 30th April 2007 I was a bad naughty girl and committed the alleged offence of fail to conform red traffic light. They have the photographic evidence to prove it apparently. I don't disbelieve them, I just genuinely don't remember going through a red light. I've never been in trouble before and I have no idea what happens now other than filling in the form and sending it back. I have no idea where the paper part of my license is either. Oh if I wasn't so worried I'd be really fecked off.

Salsa my arse

One of the beautiful friends has been getting a bit bored recently. My hobbies of reading, drinking, starbucking and lying prone on the sofa don't cut much ice with her. She's one of these women who are good at everything, she can cook, bake, sew, renovate houses and she's also a qualified pilot. I however can't cook, sew or do diy and I struggle to drive never mind fly a plane. I think my friends choose me to showcase their own talents as bless me I can't think of one talent I possess unless you count spending money and just enjoying my life. Anyway the beautiful friend aka Jo decides maybe we should try salsa dancing and finds a beginners lesson.

The beautiful children esp Eldest Beautiful daughter find this hysterical and ask me who would go salsa dancing and I told them - forty something women who're not at their book group. My ungrateful lot think I should only be allowed out of the house to go to the supermarket, go to work and to drive them places.

So off we go to our lesson and find the room full of 20 something, 30 something and 40 something women who're not at their book group. There are however a few men there, obviously been dragged along by their other half's, 1 normal bloke on his own and there is a fat beardy bloke in a t shirt with dragons on who's taken a wrong turning coming out of Games Workshop. I just know he's going to find me.

But surprise, surprise normal bloke asks me to dance and being the good friend realise that that leaves fat beardy bloke for Jo and even though she's made me do this, say I'd better stick with my friend. I made her be the man though.

Dear God, you have to be so close together doing this kind of dancing,I fully expected a cigarette after, so I'm really pleased I'm with Jo as I can't bear being that close to someone I don't know and then the teacher moves us all round. The object is to dance with all the people in the room and find out their name. Eventually I get to fat beardy bloke who is called Clive, yes really Clive, that gives you a flavour doesn't it ?, and he wants to know all about me. I am irresistable to anyone like this, always have been and always will be. Clive was enjoying himself way too much, what with being with an actual live 3 dimensional woman with a pulse but fortunately for me, you are only with your partner for a short time and then you move on.

At the end, they give you the spiel about signing up for the course of lessons and I am truly relieved when Jo realises she can't commit for the whole course as in a few weeks time she joins an operatic society ( she's bored,she likes to keep busy and she's not in a book group, okay) to begin rehearsals for a production of Oliver. I obviously can't go back by myself, how will Clive cope without me ?

Like I always say, there is a God, and next Tues I will be in my normal position of prone alone.