Salsa my arse

One of the beautiful friends has been getting a bit bored recently. My hobbies of reading, drinking, starbucking and lying prone on the sofa don't cut much ice with her. She's one of these women who are good at everything, she can cook, bake, sew, renovate houses and she's also a qualified pilot. I however can't cook, sew or do diy and I struggle to drive never mind fly a plane. I think my friends choose me to showcase their own talents as bless me I can't think of one talent I possess unless you count spending money and just enjoying my life. Anyway the beautiful friend aka Jo decides maybe we should try salsa dancing and finds a beginners lesson.

The beautiful children esp Eldest Beautiful daughter find this hysterical and ask me who would go salsa dancing and I told them - forty something women who're not at their book group. My ungrateful lot think I should only be allowed out of the house to go to the supermarket, go to work and to drive them places.

So off we go to our lesson and find the room full of 20 something, 30 something and 40 something women who're not at their book group. There are however a few men there, obviously been dragged along by their other half's, 1 normal bloke on his own and there is a fat beardy bloke in a t shirt with dragons on who's taken a wrong turning coming out of Games Workshop. I just know he's going to find me.

But surprise, surprise normal bloke asks me to dance and being the good friend realise that that leaves fat beardy bloke for Jo and even though she's made me do this, say I'd better stick with my friend. I made her be the man though.

Dear God, you have to be so close together doing this kind of dancing,I fully expected a cigarette after, so I'm really pleased I'm with Jo as I can't bear being that close to someone I don't know and then the teacher moves us all round. The object is to dance with all the people in the room and find out their name. Eventually I get to fat beardy bloke who is called Clive, yes really Clive, that gives you a flavour doesn't it ?, and he wants to know all about me. I am irresistable to anyone like this, always have been and always will be. Clive was enjoying himself way too much, what with being with an actual live 3 dimensional woman with a pulse but fortunately for me, you are only with your partner for a short time and then you move on.

At the end, they give you the spiel about signing up for the course of lessons and I am truly relieved when Jo realises she can't commit for the whole course as in a few weeks time she joins an operatic society ( she's bored,she likes to keep busy and she's not in a book group, okay) to begin rehearsals for a production of Oliver. I obviously can't go back by myself, how will Clive cope without me ?

Like I always say, there is a God, and next Tues I will be in my normal position of prone alone.