This year...

I am running on empty. Please feel free to click away now as it's not so much of a rantie auntie type post, more of a massive case of the poor me's.

Since the beginning of the year I have had what feels like stress with a side order of stress and stress for pudding. I am massively fortunate that I am healthy and loved and most of mine are healthy and loved but I am feeling a bit under the cosh with life.

I had a few days post wedding when all was well and happy and good, I liked those muchly.

Then 2 weeks after our wedding my father in law was properly ill, we had lots of visits to hospital and then he sadly passed away at the end of March, we had a lot of sadness.

We have had lots of on going worries about my stepson, I fear we will have them for a good while to come.

A good friend lost a much loved baby and another very close friend found herself pregnant with a baby she couldn't have.

We went on a family holiday that cost us a few grand and we couldn't wait for it to end, all we did was service other peoples wants and needs. We came back exhausted.

My mother's mental health is continuing to deteriorate, she looks so frail too with all her weight loss.

I applied for a promoted post at work 2 weeks ago, clearly I am good enough to do my role and be expected to do above it when they need me to, not enough to warrant an interview. I am not even significant enough for my head of to even speak to me and tell me I'm not being interviewed. This makes me sadder than I realised. I am not good enough, I thought I was.

We put our house up for sale and everyone thought it was too small, even people who lived on their own, I don't know how we managed to live as a family of 5 and then 4 for the last 13 years. It has been quite deflating to live through.

My ex husband has been quite pushy and I have felt hectored and badgered by him as to how long it's taking to sell. I do understand he has been patient until now but I am feeling hounded by him.

I have had 3 nights without any children in 7 months, I have cherished those 3 nights, it gives my beloved husband and I a chance to have an uninterrupted conversation and an uninterrupted night to not have any conversation.

I am as mad as mad can be that my ex husband has asked me twice in the last month to change access weekends for the children. Beautiful Baby Daughter has only started going again in the last few months, it's not possible to swap my stepson's weekends to us, when my ex husband changes I just lose 1 of my 2 nights off per month.

I had to spend my Eldest Beautiful Daughter's graduation day with my ex husband and his new wife, I hated it, I had to be polite to someone I don't know who is now part of my daughters life. She has met my eldest daughter no more than 10 times. I am fully aware of how much of a bitch that makes me sound, I am sure my ex husband would much rather I wasn't there either. This is the first of many of these sorts of occasions, I hope I get better with practice.

Eldest Beautiful Daughter has no teaching job for September, she has a zero hours student bar job. She will also have to vacate her student house at the end of August. She will not be able to rent a room in a house on a zero hours contract. She will have to come home. I have no bedroom for her to come home to.

My Beautiful Son is struggling, he has decided not to go to university in Edinburgh come September, he has no clear idea of what to do next, except not go to uni. He feels like a massive failure and that nothing he does goes right. He thinks he is a disappointment to me. I love the bones of him, to watch my 6 foot 4 boy cry because he doesn't feel that he is good at anything rips another little tear in the fragile tissue paper that is my maternal heart.

My Beautiful Baby Daughter is trying so hard to get a job, she currently is trying to cold call and sell double glazing. She doesn't get paid unless they sign up, how hard is that for her?, she is 16 years old and trying her best. She does hours and hours of unpaid work, gets a bit of a lift when someone books an appointment and then they either cancel it or don't buy. It's shocking how many businesses are running this way. She got a massive lift when she got an interview for a part time job in TopShop. She was 1 of 16, 2 groups of 8, all round a table being interviewed collectively. She was asked to bring an object to reflect herself, 4 of the girls on her table brought their fashion degree portfolio, what chance does my wee girl have against that?

Last night sort of put the final stress cherry on my stress sundae. At the very same time that BBD was calling me to say she couldn't bike home because of the rain, my son was calling to say that because of the rain he had damaged my car, it's not driveable. Neither of us could go and collect either one of them as I had had 2 glasses of wine as had my beloved husband, we only every have a glass at weekends. We had to get a taxi home for BBD and this morning my sainted husband is off to try and fix the damage again, so it doesn't cost the charity any money.

I am worn out and sad. I am sad that my husband had a wrung out dishcloth of a wife and he deserves so much better. I am sad because I used to be able to make things better for my children with a big love and a lollipop. I know this shall pass but today I am sad.