Unsettled

I am rather unsettled at present. I appear to have acquired a new member of my household. This person seems to be always here, I always seem to have a house full of the childrens friends but this one seems to be here all the time.

They often sleep over and this means I have to ensure the coast is clear before I go down to the kitchen in my pants to make my coffee.

When I want to lie on my sunlounger with my fatness overspilling a bikini I feel I can't, so I sit demurely in a deckchair seething in my sundress.

When I want to watch something on TV they are there, making their presence felt.

I am retreating often and oftener to my bedroom. As I retreat, my child and the extra one will come find me and chat to me, so I'm not on my own.

I crave solitude in a way I haven't since I was married, I dream and yearn for a house empty for a full 24 hours where I can be undisturbed and unspoken to.

And I feel hideously guilty about this, I have never discouraged the childrens friends from coming and now every day I chalk up the extra presence in my mental "I'm so hard done to" tally. I neither like nor dislike this person, I can see their good points but I can see their flaws, I am strangely ambivilent to them.

And now I genuinely can say I know how my children felt when I started to introduce my ex partner, a year after their dad and I split. They did not choose to have him there, I did. I hoped just because I loved him and enjoyed him being there, they would too. I saw him as adding to our dynamic not unsettling it and changing it. I wanted them to be happy for me because I was happy and as they loved me they'd want me to be happy again. I thought it would just take time for them to adjust. I expected and hoped for all of these things from children.

But they didn't and I ended it and I have never introduced them to anyone else since.

And now having had a slight taste of my own medicine, I am ashamed of how I kept bringing him here, trying to get people to like him and forcing him upon them. I am ashamed of trying to make my children feel happiness when they couldn't. I am so sorry that you had those 6 months and it took me so long to realise how you felt.

Mea Culpa.

Pollyanna says sorry

I am called Pollyanna by the person I am currently arguing with, it usually describes me fairly well, however the person I'm arguing with may beg to differ.
This is my penance for being so incredibly bad tempered. I will own up very publicly to being not always nice. I can present myself any which way on this blog and I should let people know that I am and have been a total bitch to you, so I'm sorry

I was bought a ticket to see Glasvegas and instead of making nice, I continued in a spot of low level bickering which frankly is stupid in a woman my age.Not even face to face bickering, not even bickering on the phone, oh no, your auntie has been on a nasty email type bicker, I am so unbelievably teenagerish and not in a good way. This ticket was bought for me as a way of someone making nice to me over a misunderstanding which has been festering and I threw my rattle out of the pram.

There was a very nasty email I sent in which I think the worst bit was

I'm tired, I'm grumpy and I just can't be arsed, it just seems too much like hard work.


Then the reply comes

I could sell it but you are right, there honestly is no one else I'd rather see them with and I was so pleased to spot the gig early and get the tickets. I thought that would mean a lot to you. And its very cool to go and see new bands at our age.

When I got your email last night I thought of an Arctic Monkeys song and here are the lyrics.

Well now then Mardy Bum
I've seen your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off

Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

Well now then Mardy Bum
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much try haredr
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear

Can't we, laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

And yeah I'm sorry I was late
well I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
but of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Still, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

I particularly like the "can't be arsed" line because I've heard that somewhere before.

Then, as if by magic, between 17.42 and 21.14 yesterday Pollyanna returned. Thank God because I really like her. Who the hell was that scary other woman who took over your yahoo account ?

We can't all be open books but we can all make an effort to try harder.

And I loved the pic, thanks. So I might even call your number tomorrow if you promise to put Pollyanna on.

x
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