Thursday, 3 June 2010

Unsettled

I am rather unsettled at present. I appear to have acquired a new member of my household. This person seems to be always here, I always seem to have a house full of the childrens friends but this one seems to be here all the time.

They often sleep over and this means I have to ensure the coast is clear before I go down to the kitchen in my pants to make my coffee.

When I want to lie on my sunlounger with my fatness overspilling a bikini I feel I can't, so I sit demurely in a deckchair seething in my sundress.

When I want to watch something on TV they are there, making their presence felt.

I am retreating often and oftener to my bedroom. As I retreat, my child and the extra one will come find me and chat to me, so I'm not on my own.

I crave solitude in a way I haven't since I was married, I dream and yearn for a house empty for a full 24 hours where I can be undisturbed and unspoken to.

And I feel hideously guilty about this, I have never discouraged the childrens friends from coming and now every day I chalk up the extra presence in my mental "I'm so hard done to" tally. I neither like nor dislike this person, I can see their good points but I can see their flaws, I am strangely ambivilent to them.

And now I genuinely can say I know how my children felt when I started to introduce my ex partner, a year after their dad and I split. They did not choose to have him there, I did. I hoped just because I loved him and enjoyed him being there, they would too. I saw him as adding to our dynamic not unsettling it and changing it. I wanted them to be happy for me because I was happy and as they loved me they'd want me to be happy again. I thought it would just take time for them to adjust. I expected and hoped for all of these things from children.

But they didn't and I ended it and I have never introduced them to anyone else since.

And now having had a slight taste of my own medicine, I am ashamed of how I kept bringing him here, trying to get people to like him and forcing him upon them. I am ashamed of trying to make my children feel happiness when they couldn't. I am so sorry that you had those 6 months and it took me so long to realise how you felt.

Mea Culpa.

13 comments:

Ayak said...

Oh I totally understand where you're coming from. I forced seven years with my second husband on to my children..and felt guilty about it.

But don't let it stop you from finding someone else. What I mean is... don't absorb the guilt too much. You are still a person and not just a mum...you need a life too xx

what happened ?how did i get HERE? said...

Oh yes, I know only too well how you feel. xx

Kelloggsville said...

I'm with Ayak but also whip off that sundress and let it hang out. It's your home too and 'they' will get used to it and probably feel less bothered about it than you do! For soul saving isolation I recommend a long walk with a dog - I borrow one : it is amazingly therapeutic and my 'hang over the bikini' is tightening (a wee bit)!

Becky said...

Hi Gwen,
Our kids see us bravely making decisions and new friends which can only be a good thing, rather than never risking anything new. Don't ya reckon?
Ok sometimes things will go pear shaped for us, but then as a family I reckon its about being resilient together and quite often ending up having a giggle over things :-)
lol...my kids are always finding something funny about things I've managed to put my foot in ! ..which is quite a frequent occurence !

Laura said...

In the end you put the kids and the family first, perhaps it's time for your kids to put you first and get shot of the uninvited guest.

slommler said...

I agree with Laura...time for your new "guest" to go home. Whoever brought them in can take them back to where they belong.
I so know how you feel!!
Hugs and good luck
SueAnn

libby said...

Don't beat yourself up so....and don't let that latent Catholic Guilt make you feel bad about things...everything you have done has been done with love, and just because the one time you put yourself first things did'nt work out it does'nt mean that will always be the way of things...your kids are great and are becoming their own people with their own lives...you are on the down side of a curve just now but keep your face to the sun xx ps. and don't be creeping about your own home! don't seethe in the deckchair! you are not invisible!!

Suzanne Jones said...

Hugs. It's never easy being a mum and all any of us can do is our best.

XX

Mrs Worthington said...

Ok it's time for you to get your life back on track. Your ex is an ex and I am sure that time has moved you and your family on. I was caught this afternoon have a sly sunbathe in my bra by son and his girlfriend.And you know what I couldn't give a shit.Get you bikini on girl it's your home too. That should shift guests who have over stayed their welcome.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Oh I would find that hard to cope with. I need my peace and space. Much too stressful not being able to do what you want in your own home, that's a no no. I agree, time to move the interloper on and get your space back.

auntiegwen said...

Ayak - I know, I just don't want my life to impact too heavily in a negative way on theirs xx I'm so glad you're happy now, I love to hear of people finding happiness and love after their marriage broke down xx

M - I know pet xxx

kellogsville - you're so right, I just have to stop feeling such a martyr about everything

Becky - yep, mine are happy for me to do new things, it's my fear and worry that it'll make them unhappy that holds me back

Lolly - yep, they won't know I'm fed up with it unless I tell them

Sue Ann - guess it's the same the world over eh? x

Libby - you always cheer me up, yep something bright and shiny's on the horizon, here's hoping I'm brave enough to have a try at it xxx

Suzanne - yep, and I thought it was hard when they were tiny !!!! x

Mrs W - the sight of me in a bikini is enough to send most people off!!! just have to keep off the toblerones and keep on with the running

Mobs - yep, and as I get older I find I need much more time and space

Chic Mama said...

difficult....I'm sure I would feel the same.
I just wrote a very long comment but deleted it....your post makes me very sad. For you..for me.. XX

auntiegwen said...

Chic mama - I'm a lot further down the line than you, I've found it gets easier, my down days are mercifully few xx