In which I make a holy show of myself in Debenhams

Yesterday the family von auntiegwen had to go into town. Now, en masse this is not such a good idea, if we go in two's it seems to work better and we have a remote chance of getting done what we set out to do. So, I get The Beautiful Son (because no one else will have him) and off we go. This is our list

Christmas jumper - Jack
Chino's 30 waist 34 leg (hard to get, it appears every man in Leicester is short) - Jack
New shoes - clown size - Jack
John Bishop DVD - Lucy
Flat boots - me

We whizz round in record time, that is the joy of shopping with a boy, he will accept any clothes that fit him in the first shop you find. Whilst we are in Debenhams I see a Virgin travel agency so I think while we are waiting for the others we will go and get a quote for our Easter trip to Florida. I haven't used a travel agent since 1998, I source flights and accomodation myself but I think I'll just get a quote, they may be able to get me a better deal.

Whilst we are waiting I ask TBS what he thinks it will cost for us to go, at the moment there are 3 adults, 2 teens and a child so if you want to come with us, let me know quick before I get booked. TBS reckons it will cost £2,500, I so wished he would be right, I didn't laugh outright then, it's unkind to crush a young man's dreams.

The nice Virgin lady takes all the details, I have my dates, I know how many people, I am so careful that we will be back for April 15th when BBD gets to see McFly, not only does she get to the concert she gets to meet them too, this is thrillingly exciting for her, a bit problematic re dates for me, and a real ball ache for her brother who thinks we should just book whenever we please, after all he had to miss MGMT because it clashed with a flight.

The nice Virgin lady tells me they have no villas left for rent, no 3, 4 or 5 bed villas. I ask for a quote for flights.

She can't get me back on an economy flight, TBS tells her not to worry, just book premium economy, it's only money says he, he's quite enamoured of the free champagne and the food served on real plates, I tell her to change the dates. As his paper round won't even cover the airport parking.

So, I get a quote for 6 flights, going for 11 days instead of 14. Guess how much?


Scroll down, get a bit of anticipation going




£7,937


again £7937

for economy flights. No villa, no car, just flights.

I did actually laugh, for quite a long time and my pelvic floor's not what it was (apologies for the TMI)

The nice Virgin lady explains that it's because they have sold the first allocation of seats, so they charge more for the next ones. In the brochure, they give you a guide price of £575 per villa per week, £969 fly drive per adult, £799 per child and £899 per teen, total cost £6654 which is still a huge amount for a holiday. Now when it says that in the brochure I think give or take a few hundred that's what it should cost, I'd be mighty miffed if I was buying a skirt in Marks and Spencer and it said £40 on the price ticket and when I got to the check out they said "oh it's gone up to £100 as that's the second batch we've ordered as it's so popular"

And also it's because I am going in peak season school holidays, that old favourite, get me taking kids to Disneyland in the school holidays, what a weirdo.

She advised me to go and try Virgin Atlantic directly as it'd be cheaper.

So I'm in a travel agents and they advise me to do it myself, marvellous.

PS - I found (on t'internets, all by my very own self) the flights she couldn't get me back on so the full 14 days, an executive (ooh get us, how very posh) 4 bed villa with private pool and games room, a 7 seater people carrier plus insurance and the grand total was £6930, a grand cheaper than I was quoted just for flights.

I can't think why travel agents are having such a hard time, can you?

PPS - I have refrained from tweeting #PRrequest about this (apparently bloggers can actually ask for stuff to review, although how I'd get it back to them would be the tricky part) but if any travel company would like the considered opinions of my good self and the beautiful children, please get in touch soonest, I will blog all the live long day about this trip, and I'd only be too happy, nae delighticated to tell the lovely readers about your kindest of kind offers.

10 last free bloggy thing I've turned down

I get asked to review stuff, give away stuff as competitions, promote stuff fairly regularly. Now I accept that you probably have to work your way up with reviews etc before you get a go of the good stuff like free holidays and shoes. I'm an instant gratification girl, I want the good free stuff first. I am more than happy to sell my bloggy soul (and possibly a child) for free holidays and shoes.

These were the last things I have been offered

A £500 baby hamper as a comp prize - not likely to set my heart a flutter as my youngest will be 15 in less than a fortnight

To be an adjudicator at a Guiness world record attempt - there was no mention of cake

Pregnancy vitamins launch day - oh I'm not going back down that road, thankyouverymuch

Free £100 voucher to promote a shopping site.

Book blog site - oh I read and I blog but would others want to read about what I'm reading?

Theatre trip - I was on holiday

Experience days - I'm not madly keen on experiences, when someone says "well, that was an experience" I tend to think that is nice lady speak for "well that was crap"

Another theatre trip - a family one, show more suited to younger children than mine, although their behaviour might suggest otherwise

A day out at a science museum - again been there when they were much younger

Diet and fitness app - stop bloody laughing

Free washing powder - I want more exciting stuff than that.

Now once again, please offer me squillions of free stuff to review and promote, especially free stuff that I like, eg cake, weekends away especially trips to Barcelona as Kellogsville and I have a cunning plan, holidays, plastic surgery, clothes, make up and other nice lady things. I will do it properly, honest.

Not to be missed...

Dearest PR people for holiday companies,

I would like to offer you an unbelievable opportunity. Your selfless to the core auntie has cleared the first 2 weeks in August for you, ready and willing to undertake a review of a holiday. I have a selection of offspring plus offspring's friends and romantic partners and not forgetting elderly parents . I have a lovely assortment of friends and fellow bloggers. A great cross section of society to be sure.

The family and friends von auntiegwen will happily go anywhere you send us and review your holidays. We will go by plane, train, car or boat, we will be rigorous in our testing of your facilities, should you wish any alcohol testing EBD's your girl, spa treatments or testing sun loungers that'll be me, beauty products or fashion would be Hot Boy, Xbox or other gaming type things, step up The Beautiful Son, Beautiful Baby Daughter is a making/crafting/ artistic sort, excellent at kids club type reviews. Food could easily be anyone of them, veggie and vegan friendly testing also undertaken. Any gadgets, well do I not have gadget mad dad? things to occupy pensioners who don't like foreign and get very very stressed would be the beautiful mother. Are we not the most versatile bunch?

I solemnly promise as many posts full of witticisms about your undoubtedly fabulous holidays as needed, which will be read by the most discerning of blog readers who I'm sure, are most admiring of my taste in all things and would be happy to rush out and spend their hard earned sponduliks on holidays recommended by my goood self.

Although not always thought of as a Mummy blogger due to the high feck count and numerous mentions of shagging David Tennant, may I take this chance to reassure nervous PR types, I can go for hours without swearing and with nary a thought of David crossing my dirty mind. In my defence I have been a Mummy for a very long time, 18 full years, I have 3 great kids, none of whom have asbo's or fillings, and some of them even have qualifications, not to mention the fact that all 3 can walk, talk and go to the toilet all by their own self. I thank you for your kind applause. I can do the mummy blogger thing, nae bother to your auntie.

This post was prompted by The Beautiful Sons naked envy of other bloggers children getting to go places, do stuff and then review them. His actual words were (remember, said in an old man Scottish accent) "Could ye no write a better blog, marmee and get us some of the free stuff"

Motherhood

Do not say that your auntie never gives you anything. Week after week, month after month, year after year, your auntie is here providing witty banter, wee funnies and guides on what not to do (all lessons learned)
Today, I can offer you a real tangible thing. To celebrate the release of Motherhood on DVD on March 8th I have been given leave to dispense 5 copies of this dvd to my lovely readers. Finally someone thinks of me as a mummy blogger.

Celebrate ‘Mother’s Day Eve’ and Win 1 of 5 Motherhood DVDs – out on DVD 8th March

To promote the release of MOTHERHOOD, starring Uma Thurman and Minnie Driver – ASDA, MUMS.NET and METRODOME DISTRIBUTION will launch a special new date in the calendar – ‘MOTHER’S DAY EVE’ - which will fall on the Saturday night 13th March before Mothering Sunday, 14th March 2010. New comedy ‘MOTHERHOOD’ follows Uma Thurman as mother and wife racing against the clock to prepare for her daughter's sixth birthday party in the face of chaos.

From writer/director Katherine Dieckmann, the acclaimed filmmaker of DIGGERS and A GOOD BABY, comes MOTHERHOOD, starring Uma Thurman, Anthony Edwards and Minnie Driver. Shot entirely on location in New York’s West Village, this bittersweet comedy distils the dilemmas of the maternal state (marriage, work, self, and not necessarily in that order) into the trials and tribulations of one pivotal day. MOTHERHOOD forms a genre of one – no other movie has dedicated itself in quite this way to probing exactly what it takes to be a mother, with both wry humour and an acute sense of authenticity.

Eliza Welch (Thurman) is a former fiction writer-turned-mom-blogger with her own site, “The Bjorn Identity.” Putting her deeper creative ambitions on hold to raise her two children, Eliza lives and works in two rent-stabilized apartments in a walk-up tenement building smack in the middle of an otherwise upscale Greenwich Village. Eliza’s good-natured but absent-minded husband (Edwards) seems tuned out to his wife’s conflicts, not to mention basic domestic reality, while her best friend Sheila (Minnie Driver) understands this – and Eliza -- all too well.

MOTHERHOOD is a hymn to the joys and sorrows of raising children, and the necessity of not losing yourself in the process.

The DVD is available from 8th March 2010.

Log onto www.motherhoodmovie.com for more competitions to be won and details about the film!

So should you wish a free copy of this dvd, please comment and tell me so, if there are more than 5 of you, I'll put names in a hat and get a naked celebrity to draw the lucky 5. I might have lied a bit about the naked celebrity, it will most probably be me, just thought I'd liven your Friday up a wee bitty.

Product Placement

I love blogs, I spend far too much of my time reading them, tis a fantastic hobby. The beautiful children would have preferred my hobby to be cookery or baking but thems the breaks.

Over the last year I've noticed on lots of the blogs I read that some lucky bloggers have been given free stuff (including shoes and holidays!!!!!) to review. Now I'm not going to moan about the fact that I mention Tiffany, Starbucks, Fruit and Nut Toblerones, Chanel handbags and LK Bennett shoes with boring regularity. All by my own choice, no freebies have come your aunties way, these are things I have and love or would love to have in the case of the Chanel handbag. However, should any company wish the wise words of auntie on their fine, fine products, please feel free to email me. My readers are all intelligent and lovely people with oodles of spare cash.

Ahem, moving swiftly on.

Would you like to know what I have been offered freebies of in exchange for reviews?

A peeloop penis extender

and

wait for it...

A titanium wedding ring. Yeah, throw back your head and laugh like a muskateer at the irony of that as you go through a divorce. Like I always say my life is very feckin funny when you're not living it.

I actually emailed the jewellery people back and told them if they could find me the husband I would link to their jewellery site on every post I ever wrote. I never heard from them again.