Room 101

Why can't I get my photo on my profile? Is it God's way of protecting an unsuspecting public? As I sit here feeling like a bad ninth rate version of Carrie Bradshaw, I'm more like No Sex in Surburbia than Sex In the City. I am feeling pretty pleased that I've got the opportunity to unleash my sometimes ill informed opinions and views on the world.

Being on the pc is a minor miracle in my life, sharing with 3 kids who are rationed to 2 hours screen time per day, doesn't allow for much time for me. Although it would benefit me hugely if I decide on a career change and then go in for international peace keeping, I would be way better than Kofi Annan.

Eldest beautiful daughter's pc vice is msn, myspace, bebo et al, I find myself turning into my own mother(never a good thing I fear) and saying go and see your friends they only live round the corner, why is she hanging around my dining room leaving trails of crisps, biscuit crumbs etc when she could be hanging about street corners like I was at 15.

My beautiful son's pc vice is Runescape, an online fantasy quest type game. He has a friend he plays this with in America, she's a grown up who is married to a marine, so why is she playing with my 11 year old son ? It's too disturbing to think about what Mrs Maz could really be. Incidentally Jackman709 really is an 11 year old schoolboy so don't be fooled.

Beautiful baby daughter's pc vice is her webpage which is on her school website, which won best educational site of the year 2005 they beat NASA !!! She spends ages getting pictures of dolls and baby animals for it. She gets over giddy with delight when the deputy head picks her page as a hot hit.

I love handbag.com esp the forums, I've had my eyes opened I can tell you and I also try to read my friends blogs.

Going to leave you with a list


Auntie Gwen's Room 101

Clarks Shoe Shop

Anything from the week before to the day before a new term starts, these shops are transformed into the 7th circle of hell. You arrive and take a ticket and wait for your number to be called, this can take anything up to an hour. Meanwhile the place is full of pissed off parents and bored, fidgety and sometimes screaming children. Eventually your turn comes and your child is taken to the machine to have their feet measured. When the assistant asks your child which shoes they would like you resist the urge to throw back your head and cackle like a maniac, as you know from bitter experience that at best they will only have 1 pair of shoes in the whole feckin shop which will fit your childs feet. Sod's law dictates that your child will hate the only shoes they have and will strunt, strop and sometimes cry, you will feel like doing likewise. Because I am an unorganised Mummy I have left it to the day before term starts and know that my child will have to have these shoes as bare feet at the start of term will involve social services, so cajole and bribe child to accept their fate. Repeat this experience for each child you posess (3 in my case) and the highlight of the day will be when you get to hand over usually over £100 in my case but still feel like a cheapskate when you don't buy the polish, protector and fur lined box to store them in.I get to do this 4 times per year, this is why it is no 1

Swimming Lessons

The years of my life I have wasted sitting at the side of an overchlorinated overheated pool whilst waiting for 1 of my offspring to reach level bloody 12. You also have the delights of chit chatting to another Mummy waiting for her child and the only thing you will have in common will be your childs abilty or lack of in the swimming department. Other mummies are often weird.You can substiute any kind of lesson for this , I have done several over the years ballet,tap,football,rugby,gymnastics,athletics,rainbows,brownies,beavers and cubs to name but a few. My childs interest in new activities/clubs etc is directly proportionate to how long I take to buy all the kit and write the cheque for the term of lessons. As soon as that is done so is their interest, mine are ferocious joiners but have no staying power. I will fess up that I met my good friend Jo in circumstances as scathingly described before but will say in 15 years of parenting 3 kids through a myriad of extra curricular activites I have only made 1 friend.

People who attempt to mimic my accent

I have been blessed and was born Scottish, I love the accent. I hate hate hate when people who on hearing me speak for the first time feel compelled to say something like och aye the noo or some other such drivel. This makes me want to physically hurt them and after living in England for 7 years I am now incredibly bored with this and I will retaliate, you have been warned.

Guardian readers

Never ever met 1 I liked. Especially ones with non useful degrees and who always eat organic food. Enough said