That'll be it then

I have 2 mummies, lucky girl that I am, one lives in Glasgow and the other lives with me. She's also known as Beautiful Baby Daughter.She doesn't think she is in charge of me, she KNOWS she is in charge of me. She controls what I eat, how loud the music can be and what time I have to be in bed.
Getting out of the house requires a valid reason(in her eyes), the fashioning of a cunning plan that MI5 would be proud of, plenty notice and a good bribe. Then comes the interrogation that any secret agent/policeman would be proud of and if I'm lucky the permission for me to go out.
My book group is usually ok, I'm allowed the cinema every other week but if she thinks that my outing might contain the company of a man, the alarms sound and the shutters go down.
My real mummy is an absolute delight and never tries to tell me what to do, she doesn't have to BBD is way stricter than she ever was!

BBD is very concerned about us being healthy, which is a good thing really. She loves these tv programmes about healthy living and she loves the one with the frankly weird Gillian McKeith. She is full of dodgy theories that she's picked up from the telly. She keeps reminding me that my life expectancy is shorter because I used to smoke, and she says it in a tone that makes you think I was on crack cocaine for 10 years after I gave up the heroin. Last night she came down during an advert break and imparted this gem on me

"Mummy, you know you sometimes get headaches ?"
"Yeah"
"Dr Gillian says that's because you drink red wine, if you do, you get headaches "

Not the fact that I am bringing up 3 kids by myself (pretty much), I have the boss from hell, I haven't perfected the skill of time travel allowing me to be in 2 places at once, I have no money, my hair is going grey (so much so that my real mummy has booked an appt for me to have my hair coloured and placated me with "oh I won a voucher in a raffle !!!), my beautiful son is away, my eldest beautiful daughter has me feckin demented trying to find her a pair of black fairy wings and a tiara with skulls hanging off it (don't ask) and my beautiful baby daughter is only happy when I am spot welded to her.

None of that, my headaches are caused by my (not even nightly) glass of the red stuff.
That'll be it then.