Thursday, 4 March 2010

Techfeckinology part umpteen

BIG HUGE MIDDLE AGED WOMAN RANT ALERT

I put it capitals as well, for emphasis, so if you want to click away now I wouldn't blame you, I'm your auntie, I'll always love you.

If you've been around a wee while, you'll know that the auntie is feart of technology, this may provide a subconscious reasoning in why I only seem to date IT consultants.

Every morning in life I wake up, get up make coffee in the hugest mug I can find(remember I'm a mug nazi too) and return to bed. Whereupon I lovingly wake up my laptop (which doesn't actually belong to me but for a company I freelance lecture for, I haven't since July and I am dodging their calls for I think they want to take my baby back)

I then (in order, for I have bred the children of strange, I am, the mothership) check my emails, I then check google reader for new blog posts, then I make another mug of coffee and then I check my horoscope, I read at least 10 versions of Leo and remember the one that tells me David Tennant is going to shag me.

This very morning, twas very, very upsetting for the auntie, as when she clicked on a wee Leo, there came SEVERAL big boxes,

big scary things fortelling the end of the world,

warning me I had 31 trojans who were trying to use my credit card to buy internet porn or holidays or new shoes

and then the internet connection went (this is why I didn't reply to you, Scrappy Sue, I left right in the middle of our nice wee chat about speedos)

and now I can't connect to the internet, I cannot even get into my documents, my nice screen saver of me and The Beautiful Children is just a big scary blue screen with warnings all over it.

I am writing this not in jammies as is my wont, in real clothes, at my real desk, with my executive twirly chair and not prone on my bed, can you tell the difference?

I am quite frankly (look away now Grandma in Cyprus) shitting myself, have I f****d up a laptop that doesn't belong to me, but has 2 years of my crap upon it? If I can't connect to the internet can I fix this? Why did I leave IT God and where is an IT consultant to shag when you need one?

Please help, anyone who can fix puters? any advice gratefully received, also I expect I'll have to buy myself a laptop now.

Which one? there are gazillions

Please help, I currently have no IT consultant in my life, so I'm counting on you

32 comments:

Nota Bene said...

Well, firstly you should stop donloading porn...and ordering viagra. It's not good for you. I would suggest taking it to PC World for them to remove the nasties...or you could try buying a copy of Norton or MacAfee and see if that gets to the bottom of it. Or go find a techy person.... xx

Kitty said...

http://www.ewido.net
Next time you can get on the internet, you must have IE to use it and use the onlive version. Also, spybot search and destroy is a good one to have on your computer. I use AVG and it's free...

Sadly, not much I can offer long-distance.

Good luck.

Warm hugs and quiches from Kitty

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

Well, I have an IT guru here, but not sure about the shagging part!
OH says after switching the laptop on, hold down the F8 key to see if you get a menu of choices. If you do, get back to me on here & he can tell you where to go from there. xx

Gigi said...

If you can get to the Internet go to Microsoft.com and download Defender - it's free. Run it. Then download CCleaner (google it). It is also free. Run it. Those two should help big time. McAfee & Norton slow your pc down big time (as I was told by IT Dept. and have witnessed first-hand). As for what kind of laptop to buy - I love my Toshiba.

Gigi said...

If you can get to the Internet go to Microsoft.com and download Defender - it's free. Run it. Then download CCleaner (google it). It is also free. Run it. Those two should help big time. McAfee & Norton slow your pc down big time (as I was told by IT Dept. and have witnessed first-hand). As for what kind of laptop to buy - I love my Toshiba.

auntiegwen said...

NB - always so wise and yet so young...

Kitty - thanks muchly, I have written that web address down on a wee bit of paper and when I get home, I'll have a go

BMTA - I will have a go tonight when I get home and see and then I will get back to you, am I being dense in asking if my laptop virus will spread if it sneezes via the router to the main pc or eldest beautiful daughters pc?

auntiegwen said...

Gigi - terribly kind, as I say this am when it happened I couldn't get onto the internet, but I'll have a go when I get home :)

Gigi said...

We've had someone else who had a similar issue. Before you go home copy the Mozilla Firefox download to a cd and pop it into the laptop and download it - that may help get you to the internet.

mannanan said...

Pressing the F8 key a number of times just after you have switched computer on should bring up a menu. Select SAFE MODE. This should then run windows in a safe cut down mode whithout all the whistles and bells. Once in before attempting to go on line you could do a number of things....Revert back to a previous setting when you knew all was working fine by using SYSTEM RESTORE,,,,,Start/ all programs/accesories/system tools/system restore....Follow instructions.....After which run any anti virus software / anti malware software like Spybot if you have it and also crap cleaner. A defrag wouldn't go amiss either....After that I'm sorry I can't help any more.....Hope you get it fixed nothing more annoying is there?

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

I've just shown OH the comment above from mannanan and he said "that was more or less the same as I would've told auntiegwen to do. Only I'd run the anti virus software / anti malware software first". Hopefully this all helps you. x

Working Mum said...

Aaaargh! Nightmare! I'm afraid I can't help with the virussy stuff; I would take it somewhere to get it looked at (I had to get a trojan horse removed once that had run up my phone bill on porn sites; unfortunately I couldn't convince the phone company it wasn't my husband so we ended up paying it!)

If you are getting a new one, buy a copy of Which Laptop or some such magazine first - very helpful so that you don't end up buying one with stuff you don't need.

And get some security software!

Good luck!

Looking Fab in your forties said...

If anyone has bought Shoes - lets hope they don't have our tastes and logged on to Barratts!

Heather said...

oh no! i know nothing and am no help what so ever but I hope you get it sorted soon x

libby said...

Scary....but looks like there is lots of good advice...hope you get it fixed.

Kelloggsville said...

had the same thing myself about 2 weeks ago. I did not have 31 trojans but av.exe pretends you do asks for a credit card to get rid of them and it looks a lot like windows/avg. In my case Norton trapped the exe, but I still had to do a system restore as my registry was completely fucked. moving the exe and a system restore was enough to clean the machine. I ran 3 full system scans afterwards cleaning up tracking cookies etc but it took me a few hours of hard graft to get through it. I picked the virus up whilst searching around in google images. If you don't have good antivirus software and you can't work out the restore yourself I recommend you get in a professional (I know a good one in leicestershire) the alternative is pc world which is going to be painful and expensive but reliable.

Sonya said...

So no help here for dealing with Microsoft. I would like to recommend you get a macbook, though. They are very easy to use, tend not to get nasty viruses, and if you get the applecare you can call their service people 24 hours a day and they will help you with anything computer related - even installing non-mac stuff like scanners.

The downside is I have to fight off my teen daughters to use the laptop, though.

slommler said...

Well looks like you have gotten some good advice. Me, I have none for you! I would have taken my computer somewhere and let them have a go with it.
Hope you get this all sorted out soon!
Hugs
SueAnn

auntiegwen said...

Dearest all,

I tried the F8 thing, I tried systems restore but this alert still shows up, it does look very real and it keeps telling me not to proceed without protection and click here to buy protection. It doesn't go anywhere except to the page that says you're not connected to the internet.

I have bought a Norton anti virus thing the 2010 version but the reason I haven't got it on the laptop is that I can't install it on my laptop as I don't have administrative priviledges, obv I can't take it back to my ex work broken, hence the panic to get it fixed so I can return it, buy my own and have as many administrative priviledges as I like (including internet porn and buying shoes (that was a joke, well some of it was !!!!)

Kitty said...

Well, ok... May I respectfully suggest you download, onto a usb key, Hijack This! http://free.antivirus.com/hijackthis and install it. When you run that scan, it will tell you every blooming thing that is on your computer, the good, the bad and the REALLY ugly. With this information in hand, you will be able to take action. Either go blow a huge swadge at PC World, or the like or post the results onto an online forum such as Major Geeks and experts will tell you *exactly* which steps to take.

Just know this: It can be fixed. You are not alone. You are not the first. Do not fret... (unless you're playing a stringed instrument, of course.)

Warm hugs and quiches from Kitty xo

Gigi said...

Try downloading the free anti-virus stuff I (or anyone else)has recommended onto a cd or a thumbdrive and then download it onto the laptop and running it. If it works, you may need to run it a few times to get all the nasty viruses off. Fingers crossed - hope it works.

Laura said...

Have you tried taking the cable out of your router box and putting back in a few seconds later? That's what I need to as my internet cuts me off all the friggin time.

avg is good for free snti-virus software.

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

Hi BMTA's OH here.
Read the whole of this comment before you do anything, even better print it out...

OK good, if F8 works, select 'SAFE MODE' and logon as usual, the screen will look a bit weird but ignore that.
Startup Internet Explorer, and search for 'AVG free 9'. Make sure you download the free version, (they'll try to get you to use the trial version).
When it's installed run a full scan, which will probably take 2 hours. Open a bottle of wine...

That should sort your problems.

Get a refund on Norton, it's C**P!

Don't do a system restore, waste of time if you have a Trojan.
It's the Trojan that's trying to get you to download the protection and pay for it....

auntiegwen said...

Thanking you all most kindly, I have printed off the advice, I will now attempt to download the free stuff.

If you don't hear from me over the weekend, send soothing text messages, wine, fruit and nut toblerones or David Tennant :)

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

Good luck! Let us all know if any of it works. Much love xx

diney said...

Fruit and nut toblerone sounds good - think I'll just pop out to the shop and get one for tonight! Thanks for reminding me about them! x ps Sorry can't help with your 'pooter - hope you get it sorted

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Hiya Auntie Gwen, hope the sick laptop is getting better, if not, agree with Sonja, get a Mac. They don't really get sick....

Mrs Worthington said...

IT nightmare or what! I hate the blue screen of death which I think you may have. Norton is crap - get AVG and it's free. If you don't get sorted this weekend then find a wee IT man and pay him to fix it. It isn't as bad as you think and don't worry about admin rights as I too kept my old works laptop have had similar problems and still here to blog away.

scrappysue said...

you and your fruit and nut toblerone...hope it all works out wendy!

Madame DeFarge said...

Hope you're getting on alright now. One of the main reasons I bought a Mac was to avoid stuff like this as much as possible.

auntiegwen said...

Dearest all

In true auntiegwen fashion I have reverted to type. I phoned the ex mr auntiegwen and he spend long hours on t'internet having chats with clever IT people and he has fixed it. I really have no shame.

I cannot install any anti virus software so I am stopping using my old work laptop and am off to buy a new laptop all for my very own self.

Thanking you all for the advice, the emails and texts I am most grateful. You are brilliant, now any one got any advice on losing weight? looking younger? sending me a man, getting David Tennant to shag me????

All right I'll stop now

Lena said...

It will be my biggest fear when PrettyBoy leaves for Uni in September. Only he can slay Trojans of any degree (seem to be hundreds of the feckers!) and stand before blue screen almighty and win. And the 'puter will most likely be fine until then.....!

It's been a wee while since your post so hopefully you've been sorted oot, missus, without too much bother! Let us know anyhow.

x

Jon Storey said...

Can I just say,

"Apple Mac"


Brilliant, after 10 years of Windows hassle I would never be without my Mac.