Tuesday 18 January 2011

Taxing Times

I would so love to spout off the full 3 verses and the disco chorus of how unbelievably tedious my evening has been.

But that wouldn't be fair.

The short version is in October I filed my short tax return. I was a numpty and didn't include a page and we won't even get started that it happened to be a page I didn't need. They sent it back to me and told me to file online. The rules state you must have a full set of foreign pages and I didn't. Rules is rules or some other bollocks.

Tonight unfortified by wine or gin, I attempted to register for online filing. This was a mistake. They wouldn't let me, they said I had already registered. Glory Be there is a God, I managed to find a letter dated 2007 with my log in details. I have no clue how that happened.

Easy peasy thinks your auntie, with the returned paper copy of her tax return beside her, she's thinking she'll be done in time for Mary Portas being cross about customer service.

I was wrong. On both counts.

The short paper version asks you for your combined earnings (I had 3 part time jobs in that year) the online version wants each employment separately and the tax reference number for each.

I managed to find the P60 I'd lost. But have managed to lose the 2 P60's I had.

I don't know how much I earned or how much I paid separately, only all added up. It was pitiful anyway, I read somewhere you should be earning your age, in that tax year I was just out of knees socks. And I was knackered.

I also failed when I didn't have any tips to declare, it demanded tips, I said I'd been tipped £1. This is a lie. No one ever tipped me a curdy.

I had been at this for hours and I was only 7% complete.

I ate nearly half a tub of Rum and Raisin ice cream. I ate nearly half last night too which necessitated it to be forcibly removed from my sweaty mitts. When I was returning the 2 spoonfuls left of ice cream to the freezer, I spotted the box of emergency present chocolates left over from Christmas. That'll be the same box I am munching through now.

I gave up and then I was hugely disappointed to find out I was a day early for Mary and was more than a little confused to see very young girls in very big dresses getting married. They reminded me of the doll my granny used to have on top of her toilet, she kept a loo roll up the dolly's frock, was that just a Scottish thing?

The irony is, according to the tax man, they owe me over £600, I'll let them keep it if I don't have to file the fecker.

PS - My laptop is fixed, as in my own, never let me down fashion, I offloaded it to someone else and whined and cajoled and pleaded till it was done. I have no shame.


Curry Queen said...

I think the operative phrase in that post is "unfortified by wine or gin" and therein lies your mistake. Rum & Raisin ice cream is a poor substitute. Love the label - Failed Grownup, lol! xx

Sandi said...

Nooooo, it ain't a Scottish thing, we had them as well , the toilet roll holders that is. Oh my, ruddy taxes, they should abolish them!!!!!!!
x Sandi

Trish said...

Yup, we had the crochet dolly to hide the loo rolls: usually in a fetching shade of peach.

Curry Queen is right - tax returns require fortification.

Nota Bene said...

Uuuurgh..how Kafka-ish

Anonymous said...

No no no - if you try and do them half-cut you can end up submitting only half the required paperwork. The answer is to push-on through and celebrate at the end with a large bottle of something chilled.

AGuidingLife said...

yey to the ice-cream and chocolate, although I find 2 tubs of golden syrup covered popcorn is the way through my tax return. I found the flourescent pink bridesmaids rather fetching and yey to the bride practising her lap dancing skills whilst waiting for the limo - ahhh the youth of today - bless 'em. PS as previously mentioned there is no shame in off loading shite jobs - that is called successful life management! I paid an account a weeny amount for years to file my tax return until I found my Scottish gene and decided I liked pain and suffering :0)

Sueann said...

I would be grazing my way through filing out these forms myself! I too have some past forms I have to fill out for the state and I am loathe to do it.
Where is that chocolate ice cream??

Andy said...

Maybe you could pay someone a proportion of the £600 Mr Taxman is going to give you to do it for you?

Less the imaginary £1 tip of course.

auntiegwen said...

CQ - that's what the children call me, where's parentline when you need one? xx

Sandi - eeh, you did? all the way down under, fantastic, tat knows no geographical boundary ! x

Trish - oh yes the crochet!!!! how could I forget, my granny's was pink synthetic ruffled lace, classy lot us weegies

NB - stop showing off, I give you toilet roll covers, you give me dead brooding Germans

Q - I was sober the first the first time I filed the fecker!!!! when I finish this 1 I will definitely be celebrating

S - so pleased you understand my mix of Catholic guilt and Presbytarian austerity ! x

SueAnn - my dear, you can even have whats left of my rum and raisin! xxx

A - oh yes, I am hugely successful in getting anyone in my house to do anything for me, it's a gift! (for those who don't know the beautiful children, this is to be read in a very sarcastic tone, my weans do nothing)

Muddling Along said...

I feel your pain - I've still not managed to file my tax return for this year. Turns out the Inland Revenue have deleted the wrong duplicate account that they set up for me so I can't get into MY account to file the darn thing...

Feeling of head against brick wall is mutual

Ayak said...

I'm with Andy pn this one...get someone else to do it..it will be worth the cost...then just sit back and enjoy a large gin xx

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Ooh I hated tax returns so much, and every year I'd forgotten how I did them the year before and had to work it out all over again...good news about the laptop tho xx

Elderberry-Rob said...

not only Scottish ... my mother in law (Durham) and all relatives had those dolly bog roll holders - I have an intense dislike of them as they gather dust and take up valuable space! Whilst on the subject of toilets, I can't understand why people have bog brushes either, you swish all the germs round the pan then put your brush in the holder to pollute your bathroom - I only use disposable wipes on mine you know. No tax returns here and I am so glad as it looks like hard and unrewarding work filling out those forms.

libby said...

Glad your laptop is fixed....and sending sympathy re the bloody forms....ps I saw that programme..I was transfixed...and what is a curdy??

auntiegwen said...

Mam - now that would really be making me mad if I was trying to do it but couldn't because of their mistake. I'd be having a right old middle aged woman rant.

Ayak - yep get someone else to do it, any offers?

LFBS - yep,it's always good to have stuff working, how's your fridge? xxx

Betty - ooh with a toilet like that, Eldest beautiful Daughter would so love to live with you, she is esp keen on cleaning toilets.

Libs - it means nothing, no one ever gave me a bean, a dime, nothing. It must be an unusual one, I always get asked what I mean (well, more often than normal!!!)

tuftycat said...

I can't file mine yet cus I can't find the tax certificates for two of my bank accounts, telling me how much pittance of interest I received in 2009/10. Yes I know the deadline is only a week away and I rang the bank to request the certificates and they said it takes 7-10 days. And they charged me a tenner each for the privilege. I'm f**ked.

auntiegwen said...

tuftycat - just finished the fecker now, have needed much chocolate for this xxx