Tuesday, 30 August 2011

And that, my friends, was August

My August went something like this

work, laundry, shopping (of the supermarket variety, not the nice ladies things variety), try to stop kids from killing each other, try not to kill the kids myself, eat ever such a lot less but still not lose weight, be very very tired, repeat to fade.

And in other news...

I gave up ironing, doing everyone's ironing on a Sunday night made me feel like I did when I was a kid, doing my homework at the last minute, so I gave up, we are embracing the casually dishevelled look. The beautiful children are not best pleased, they're not arsed enough to do it themselves but they are great big glowering and sulking masses of crumpled Jack Willsness.

I had a birthday which made me old and a trip to the Isle of Wight where it appeared to be 1977 in the place I was in, I adored it, I wanted to buy a flat in Sandown but wasn't allowed, meaners. I actually saw the shop windows of my childhood with dresses hung from the ceiling with fishing wire, and cardigans fanned out on the base of the window and a wee note attached saying "Lovely on"

That was the nice bit, oh I got a Kindle too and other nice lady things such as perfume and flowers and some strange assortment of presents which make me think - have they met me?

My son, the 6 foot 2 lump of useless, let his friend Henry try and burn a smiley face onto his arm with a lighter which has still not healed 3 weeks later. You probably heard me, he got full fat cross shouty shreikeyness, stupid stupid boy. This is a child who actually possesses qualifications and now has a hole in his arm, again (in capitals for emphasis) STUPID STUPID BOY AND I DON'T FECKIN CARE HOW MANY FECKIN GCSE'S YOU GOT, YOU ARE A STUPID STUPID BOY. I am still cross about this, I will still be cross at Christmas most probably.

I have spent masses of time in hospitals recently both work and not work and I have turned into the visitor/relative I used to hate. The one who says "I used to be a nurse you know" and follows it up with "in my day" I hate myself for it but I'm not madly impressed. I am not even satisfied.

I have a new car, it is temporary until my company car arrives, it is a Renault Megane, it has an internal sat nav and a strange radio. Both of which defeat me on a daily basis. I am now officially my mother.

And speaking of my mother, she has been on a diet, a very successful one. In truth she is existing on black tea, water and porridge, as my dad says she is the only geriatric anorexic in Glasgow. She has no other conversation except how many pounds she's lost, she tells my sister and I, a lot. A big lot. We are fed up being told how easy it is to lose weight if you just don't eat. We were kind enough not to mention that she's been no stranger to a fish supper for the last few decades so we wish her to stop weighing us with her eyes and shut the feck up.

So if you've read to the bottom I apologise for not putting in a "Middle aged woman ranting" alert, but thanks for reading and a big thanks to those of you who texted, emailed and commented wondering where I'd been.

So, what have you lot been up to?

41 comments:

libby said...

Welcome back...and now some questions...........
why the hospital? who is there? is Jacks arm ok? are the girls ok?did I tell you that me and the mister were planning on retiring to the IOW? do you eat porridge?
Libby xx

auntiegwen said...

Libs - I have started eting porridge, I will come and visit you and the mister OFTEN when you retire to the IOW, the girls are grand, Jack's arm is a real mess and not healing, not infected but so deep, stupid stupid boy. Much love to you and the mister xxxx

Autumn Mist said...

Good grief, never a dull moment round your house, is there? Glad you liked the IOW (I'm from Portsmouth, so I've been there a LOT!) And can I just say, from one mother to another, STUPID, STUPID boy. I totally understand. (Oh, and I have skipped my mother and am turning into my grandmother - scary indeed!)

auntiegwen said...

AM - thank you for the motherly solidarity, xxx, much appreciated. On the way back I went shopping at Gunwharf Quays and had a lovely alfresco lunch in the sunshine, gorgeous place :)

Alienne said...

I would just like to echo STUPID STUPID BOY as well; thank goodness I have girls. I felt knackered by the time I got to the end of reading that, and I think it probably was 1977 the last time I went to the Isle of Wight. My summer has been relatively peaceful as I have only really had one teenager at a time. By the time Lenin gets back from LA Attila will be back at school.

I can see my mother looking back at me from the mirror these days but am hoping to skip a generation and turn into my grandmother, as she was a lovely, happy old lady whereas my mother is a right misery (and I just know that my children will not be as tolerant of me as I am of her).

mannanan said...

Welcome back. I've missed your posts.I need to lose a few stone myself, I like tea and porridge so i might give this diet of your Mum's a go.

Working Mum said...

Hello again! Busy summer and yes, stupid, stupid boy. My parents always told me to never do anything permanent to my body (they meant piercings and tattoos). I guess thrid degree burns would be permanent?

As for me, I've been joining ranks with bloggers in US, NZ and Northumberland to defeat Pakistani blogging plagiarist! Not kidding - se my post "Cease and Desist"!

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Great to get your news, but wish it was better. Stupid etc etc and poor you, hope his arm heals soon xx

Kelloggsville said...

Aha...the blogette returns...welcome. Did you mention to your mother its called the T-wat-idge diet? I think it may help her to STFU :) Heard the scot shouty from here, take photos and constantly discuss it with people in front of him, longterm child torture - genius :) lovely to see you even if you are ranty anty x

Gigi said...

So glad you are back. And yes, STUPID, STUPID BOY!!

And, I hate to say this, but your mother is right....(I know! Who would have thought!) but if you don't eat you do seem to lose weight (not in a healthy manner, but...). I'm sure this works - because every time I put a piece of food into my mouth the damn scale goes up!

Andy said...

As a sixteen year old boy I did lots of stupid things and would like to stick up for your son.

Unfortunately none of them were that stupid, so I cannot.

Thank you for making me laugh so much, it was just what I needed. And the post was very good too.

Expat mum said...

Stupid boy indeed. I have one too. We often have arguments about the merits and demerits of pot. He maintains that it's not addictive and while I can't argue with that (never having tried it) my argument is that it affects the growth and development of young brains; they don't actually finish developing until the age of 19. He thinks I'm talking utter rubbish, but antics like your son's prove my point.
It beggars belief doesn't it?

Sandi said...

Ahh, the wonders of a youths brain, and I do agree, a very stupid thing to do, however perhaps the severity of this may stop any more silly behaviour, some just have to learn the hard way.
I think your mum and mine would get on so well, she is self absorbed and talks about herself constantly, she didn't even ask what was wrong or how I was when I was sick recently.
Glad there was a little 'me' time in amongst all the to do of your August.
x Sandi

martine said...

Am so with you on the 'have you ever met me' thing when opening pressies. My mum bought me a navy blue fleece for christmas like I was some middle aged woman, went and swapped it for some black skinny jeans (at least it was M&S:-)
I have got student daughter currently starving as she spent grant money on two tattoos, two rats, a pigmy hedgehog and a tarantula ... and will she be told, bloody stupid kids!
well ranted
thanks for sharing
martine

auntiegwen said...

Alienne - oh my kids love my mum (and I do too, honest!!!!) it's always easier to love your nana isn't it?

Mannanan - it's the fact my sister and I know we need to lose weight that's getting us really

WM - I read your post, what a weird thing to do, she must have known she'd be found out, surely?

LFBS - I read your latest and it struck so many chords with me, I hope he does get to see them xxxx

S - ah yes, rantie auntie is never too far away, hope your back feels better soon x

Gigi - I feel I should just glue the damn food to my hips as that's exactly where it goes

Andy - are all teenage boys stupid? how do they get to survive?

Expat mum - that's a batttle I've yet to face, God it's a scary world out there

Sandi - oh dear, I'll send my mum over to yours they can talk over each other x

Martine - I was given a leopard print snood!!!!! I'm sorry to say that I did actually wonder if you had been swapped one of my kids in the delivery ward, that kind of mad arsed spending? so could be one of mine!!!!

SueAnn said...

Porridge and tes huh? Doesn't sound very good!! I hope she leaves you and your sister alone...I mean, seriously!!
And that is one stupid boy!! My son has done similar stupid things. They do survive! Though God knows how!!??'
Ha
Hugs
SueAnn

auntiegwen said...

SueAnn - I never expected that, not in a million years, I mean how dumb can 1 bright teenage boy be???? xx

Mac n' Janet said...

Glad you're back, missed my laugh in the morning. Yes the stupid survive, but do we?

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

Ah, a healthy dose of blogging schadenfreude. Sorry to hear about your daft boy and thanking my lucky stars mine hasn't done anything as bad...so far!

We have shops like that in our town with dresses on wire, usually with earrings and necklaces in their plastic packaging, artfully arranged underneath.

I'm well into porridge at the moment - seem to eat it every morning.

auntiegwen said...

Janet - if I survive my children it will be a miracle

Trish - aah I know your county well, I do a lot of training there, next time I get a chance I must look around the shops

Curry Queen said...

Welcome back - no comment on burned arms - having a teenage son I know that I am only ever a whisker away from similar fuckwittage :-) I had a birthday in August too and I got a Kindle as well....aren't they just the best things ever??!!

auntiegwen said...

CQ - ah yes the teenage male mind is a wonderous thing. I do love my Kindle and I have 88 books on it already !!! :)

Rosemary said...

So glad to have you back blogging again AuntieG - I've missed your posts. And it is SO good to hear that your life is as chaotic and complicated as mine - your posts really cheer me up and make me laugh : just what's needed to get through another complicated day / week. And I'm sure the STUPID STUPID BOY will enjoy reading your posts when he's our age and got kids of his own to deal with. Of course by then you really will have turned into your mother (and even worse, I'll be my mother - aaarrrggghhh!)

auntiegwen said...

Rosemary - thanks me dear, I suppose the only way I'll get to be thin is if I turn into my mother, pah. I was talking about this to my friend at work and realised this is the heaviest I have ever been, even at 9 months pregnant with stupid stupid boy and he weighed 9 pounds 11, bugger

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of the ancient curse 'may you live in interesting times' :) At least your life is never boring, good to have you back!

auntiegwen said...

Anon - thanks :) I feel quite rude just calling you anon, but I'm hoping September will be just a bit less interesting

Murr Brewster said...

First time visiting. What a romp. Happy birthday, and way to stay topside.

Mud said...

Learnt to defuse landmines and service a Landrover. Got caught up in riots relating to a mythical character. played roulette with the US Defense Attache at a dodgy casino. And flew to Kosovo.

Busy month.

Good to have you back!

auntiegwen said...

Mud - as always - you win

Wylye Girl said...

I'm sorry, I laughed. I know I shouldn't, but I did.

London City Mum said...

I laughed too.

And the dishevelled look? Have you seen my hair lately?

LCM x

Rare Lesser Spotted said...

Welcome back - thank the Lord; life just wasn't the same in blogger land without you!
XX

jazzygal said...

That's one heck of a month you had and one very entertaining read! Can't believe he tried to burn a face on your son's arm!

xx Jazzy

Lena said...

lol....you do make me giggle....!

That smiley face idiocy is rife up here, too. Thank God mine are wuss's! What next - iron press to the face?

Not been up to much really. Getting back to my old self at last, so that'll be: telly, poem challenge, sung at, odd gig, waiting, drawing, bit knitting, sing back at (badly), moaning.......same old, same old.......XxX

auntiegwen said...

Murr - welcome, we're glad to have you with us, you'll be grand here unless you scare easy, you don't scary easy do you?

WG - as I always say, my life is so entertaining if you're not living it

LCM - but you can always wear your very fetching swimming hat, every cloud etc

Steve - you are a great mate, you appreciate me so much more than most of my family :) xxx

Jazzy - to be fair to Henry, he was stupid enough to stand there and let my Jack burn a smiley face into his arm, fortunately I don't know Henry's mother so I don't have to avoid her in the supermarket.

Lena - I can't believe it's rife at home as well, I had more hope for Scottish youth now I've moved my kids down south!!! You've shamed me with your proper hobbies, I don't think my fave of sleeping quite counts does it???

Sandra said...

Where do I start with my validation of this post!!! Don't love what your son did, but was fascinated and a little scared, but I also have stupid teenagers, so I know it's not beyond the realm of possibility that I may have to live through this. As for your mom, I love your dad's comment, that's she's the oldest geriatric anorexic in Glasgow! Priceless! Just put a hunk of chocolate cake in front of her, next to the tea. She'll cave.

Mrs Worthington said...

Welcome back Auntie G I have missed you. My own teenage son has done something similar to his arm in the hols. I can't bear to look at it. What are they on? As for the rest of your blog snap snap snap

auntiegwen said...

Sandra - teenagers stupid the world over

Mrs W - jesus He man as well??? it's up near Edinburgh too as Lena's told us her son was too sensible to succumb, stupid stupid BOYS I bet no girl has done it

Nota Bene said...

I missed your birthday. How terrible, but not to worry, I expect you'll have one next year. Your boy is VERY, VERY STUPID. But he is just a boy...

Persephone! said...

Having made a few visits to the IOW I completely understand where you are coming from. Quite a lovely place to visit though, but I did get sent one of those talk about all the time on Watchdog fake parking tickets while visiting, so that wasn't a highlight! As for stupid son, I would be right behind you shouting even louder. He obviously wore his brains out doing his GCSEs, they have hopefully kicked back in again now ready for sixth form?

auntiegwen said...

Nb - yep a big 6 foot 2 lump of useless boy

P- I hope so, he's picked very hard subjects 2 of which he hasn't done before and dropped sunjects he did really well in at GCSE but he won't be told