Sunday 4 September 2011

Sleepless in suburbia

I am a woman of few talents, I can't cook knit or sew, my house isn't filled with things I've made (excepting offspring and mess) and the only thing I can play is the lottery. Oh please don't feel sorry for me, I am decidedly happy with my humble lot.

I have been utterly blessed in what I feel is my best talent. I am ace at sleeping, if there were sleep Olympics I would be up there with the gold and the "God save the Queen" The only time I have had sleepless nights have been when the children were babies and truth be told I was a teeny tiny bit cranky then. Then I sleep trained them and all was well in the world. I am not too shabby at sleep training either, 100% success rate at teaching babies to sleep through. Nothing makes me happier than getting into my jammies and going to bed. My metier is sleep.

In fact, I am sooo good, no matter what is going on in my life, death, divorce, teenagers or lack of gin - I will take myself off to bed, usually accompanied by a humungous mug of fully caffeinated coffee and pop myself between the White Company's finest and nod off. Sometimes just before I drift off I remember the mug of fully caffeinated and rouse myself enough to gulp it down like a student with a Jaegerbomb and then snuggle down for a full 8 hours. I am not showing off here, I'm just explaining. I never feel too hot or cold, or uncomfortable or restless, strange beds or having someone with me do not gee my ginger. I am grand. Nothing wakes me up either, I could sleep through anything, I expect I have slept through all of the childrens parties and there are several photos of assorted weido friends of the children on my good silk throw accessorised with beer bottles and pointy foam fingers. I set my children curfews but I have no clue if they keep to them as I am always asleep.

Which is just as well as I am crap without sleep, really really useless, so God in his infinite wisdom has given me the gift of sleeping, so I don't hurt people on a daily basis.

Except something has gone wrong, my forte has fecked off.

I am not a happy auntie, on Friday I just couldn't get comfortable, I wriggled and jiggled, I changed my jammies before removing them completely (sorry for the TMI - I'm just trying to give you the full picture, well not the full picture, that's on a pay per click at, shut up I've got to pay for a new kitchen somehow)
Where was I? oh yeah Friday, I fidgeted and agitated and then I eventually fell asleep. Only to be woken by The Beautiful Son coming in at 2am dressed in a ladies Primark black and white zebra striped onesie. yes I agree, it is slightly peculiar but I didn't want to waste brain power trying to figure it out as I was tired.

Readers, the rest of the night didn't go well and I was working on Saturday so suffice to say I wasn't the cheeriest of aunties yesterday, until around 9pm when I realised I could put my jammies on and go back to bed. That was a moment of mere bliss in my day. So armed with the coffee I go to my happy place And I go to sleep.

To be woken up by someone else's sons at 4.30 am, giving me the full benefit of their alcohol fuelled opinions on the world. And that was it for the night, sure I had a doze on and off but that's a bit like being on a diet, you don't want carrot sticks you want cake, thank you very much. When you've had the good stuff you don't want to go back.

So, I am now rantie auntie, I have been robbed of 2 good nights sleep and I get a teeny tiny bit cranky without it. I might have mentioned that. I imagine that's why everyone is giving me a wide berth today.


libby said...

Oh Auntiegwen....throw your self down on the bed now and try to catch some happiness.....and as for the neekkid business? remember the naked ironing plan we talked about? you let the girls free while ironing and I talk dirty?..we need to get this business could make us a fortune!! call dragons den!

auntiegwen said...

Libs - I have had such a lazy day but couldn't get a sleep. I am hoping tonights the night - so to speak. Indeed we should definitely attempt to slay the dragons, flawless plan, what could go wrong?

Expat mum said...

I am envious of your ability to sleep. I can practically hear people change their minds and consequently am woken by someone or something almost every night. And like you, I need my sleep. Graon. Hope you get some rest soon.

auntiegwen said...

EM - I have a friend who really suffers, a chronic insomniac, it would be my own circle of Hell. I'm just having a wee moan

Anonymous said...

I used to be able to sleep too - I slept through a lorry driving into the shop downstairs from my flat, and through the hurricane, but that was before I had the kids. Ever since the first one arrived I have been a lousy sleeper, woken by the slightest noise or light. It is a complete pain, so I hope you get your forte back PDQ.

By the way, I suddenly noticed there is a White Company shop in T Wells the other day - I was driving past it so couldn't stop, but will just HAVE to go back and have a nose round on the basis of your addiction.

auntiegwen said...

Alienne - I am seriously impressed by the ability to sleep through a lorry crash. Oh I hope you love TWC, it's expensive (I get loads at the outlet shop in Bicester) but the clothes are fab and everything really lasts

Get Well Soon Flowers Delivery said...

I wish i could sleep like you..the slightest worry that passes my mind gets exaggerated and then I can't sleep. I lvoe my bed and the thought of having a peaceful nights sleep is bliss. Fingers crossed you get your good nights sleep back very soon!

The Girl Behind said...

I'm quite a light sleeper, but I (and everyone around me) really notice when I've not had enough.

I guess I have a bonus in that I can get off to sleep in the daytime if I really need to. Or if I have a bit of white bread, that seems to send me off to sleep.

Not sure that's a good thing, really, using bread as a kind of doughy sleeping pill...

Anonymous said...

Radio 4 till 1am and then Radion 4 extra usually works for me....I am a crap sleeper and drive my lovely man mad with my fidgeting, radio habits and general moochiness. Good luck tonight! xx

AGuidingLife said...

hey whoa, backup there...naked ironing plan...I'm in...Ironings all I can do now, with my bad back. You let the girls out, libby can talk dirty and I'll actually do the ironing!

I hate on-call these days as I'm as crabby as a crabby thing without 8 hours...don't worry, it will be a passing phase, you will sleep again...when the kids move out ;0)

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Those onesies are something else, aren't they? I'm afraid I laughed, which was just what I needed :)

Troy said...

Well here's hoping you recover your best talent as soon as possible. Oh, and by the way, all I got on BT internet was the message "Sorry, the website cannot be found" so your new kitchen appears to be in jeopardy.

Gigi said...

If there was an Olympics for sleeping I think you and I would be in serious competition! I LOVE to sleep. Unfortunately, lately I find myself in the same situation as you - I can't seem to find it. Either it's stress, or people or not enough hours in the day to get all this stuff done. And as a result the sleep suffers. But no more. Tonight, no matter what, I WILL get some sleep....maybe. Considering it's already 10:00 pm and I am just now hopping on the computer things aren't looking good. Maybe tomorrow, then?

Curry Queen said...

I am crap at sleeping and deeply resentful of it. The children are used to receiving "where the hell are you?" texts off me at 4am! /it was all fine till Ihad them and then it went pear-shaped. And as for the zebra-striped onesie - does your son know my daughter? She's lost hers ...

auntiegwen said...

GWSFD - it's great when you get a bed you love isn't it?

TGB - I can't really nap at all but I guess I haven't had to, I can fall asleep when sunbathing though, mind you it's not often you get the chance here, is it the carbs in white bread that makes you sleepy?

Mae - bless him I don't think I could sleep with a radio on x

S - great, you me and Libs will make a fortune and don't tell me that I can't sleep till they go, I have another 4 years till uni for the youngest!!!

LFBS - I wonder what random passersby thought when they saw him and mates? xx

Troy - bugger another cunning plan foiled

Gigi - I am hoping you are safely in snoozeville

CQ - so pleased it's not only my kids who are out late. As for the onesie maybe he nicked it at a festival? I shall wash and return soonest

Rarelesserspotted said...

Coffee before bed? Oh Auntie

Stefanie said...

Auntie I am so sorry and I feel for you as I know exactly how it feels.

But I have a challenge for you as right now I am can hear my infant (4 1/2 week) starting to wail from our non-existant nap from an non-exisant sleep night ... I am exhausted.

If you can sleep train babies, then I have one for you! (Who knows, it could be a new profession. Smile)

Nota Bene said...

Have you tried reading my blog...that should send you off in a jiffy

Andy said...

Without gin?

Does that make you a ginless wonder?

Sandi said...

Getting the girls out whilst ironing...oooh bit dangerous, what if you burnt them!!!!!
I like 10 hours sleep a night, 8 gets me through the day but 10 gets me through a much happier girl. I sometimes take a while to fall into a deep sleep but once asleep I'm pretty good at staying asleep. Coffee doesn't keep me awake either.
Hears cheers to a good sleep tonight.
x Sandi

Ayak said...

Oh I so envy you being able to sleep so well. I'd give anything for an 8-hour night of slumber. 2 hours at a time is about all I can manage. I have to compensate with short nap during the day..but it's not the same.

auntiegwen said...

Steve - every night, a great big mug, lovely it is xxx

Stefanie - oh I'd be happy to help I am ace at sleep training

NB - not at all, always informative my dear

Andy - ooh you made the auntie laugh

Sandi - 10 is a great amount of sleep, oh how I love a 10 hour sleep

Ayak - I don't know how people can do that regularly and not die, truly I don't