auntiegwens guide of how not to date

I couldn't resist this one, and before anyone who's googled in gets humpty, I'm not an expert, so this should be read with a light sprinkling of tongue in cheek but you don't need a full dose of bitter irony for it.

I became single for the second time at the age of forty, which I also referred to as "feckin forty" quite a lot. The first period of singledom ended when I was nineteen. I can truly say that being single never bothered me for the first 19 years, they were a doddle, I am just wondering if the second period of singledom will be as long and as carefree. The dating world of the new millenium is a million miles away from the 20th century one I had experienced.

The first time I was single Michael Jackson was black, George Michael was straight and everyone had pubic hair. Advice in magazines was always about getting boys to call you or how to clean your oven or knit your own boyfriend. They never ever included such articles instructing you on how to give the perfect blowjob or an out of 10 rating for battery operated ladies toys.

I am the last of the generation of good girls. We were the ones who didn't sleep with anyone except our long term boyfriends and it took a serious amount of time before that happened. We were brought up to think that good girls don't. This was the generation before ladettes. Anal sex was only for gay men and a pearl necklace was what you wore on your wedding day.

There was no facebook, internet dating, speed dating, texting (clean, flirty or downright dirty), no mobile phones for phone sex or with cameras to send naked knob shots and no webcams for any kind of virtual and technological shenanigans. If I was going to facilitate someones sexual "happy ending" I was always present.

From November 1985 you can fast forward through a relationship of 21 years and 3 children and get to August 2006 when I technically became single for the 2nd time.

The second time I was single it became clear to me that a 40 year old mother of 3 may not be every one's dream date whereas a nubile 19 year old student could have her pick. There was also the issue of where to meet men, at 19 I would go to the pub after work wearing my student nurses uniform, job done. At 40 I no longer had my uniform and I fear I would have been more Hattie Jaques whereas at 19 year I would have been more Barbara Windsor.

At 19 I had a crowd of mates, all single and available to go out anytime and up for going anywhere. If there was a film I wanted to see or a holiday I wanted to go on, there was always someone to go with. I was never starved of adult company. At 40 all my friends were married and no one is available for nights out because they are too knackered with their kids, their job, the endless cleaning, ferrying offspring to activities etc etc etc. They do not want to go out, that means they have to get out off their jammies, put make up on, persuade husbands or arrange babysitters and then be depressed at how much things cost and how old they are, they want to sleep and who can blame them?

At 19 I was flirty and funny and I did not ever worry about what to say to boys because usually their tongue was in my mouth fairly quickly. At 40 I realised I didn't have a notion of how to talk to men and I always felt faintly ridiculous when someone tried to kiss me.

I don't enjoy dating at all. I accept that if I want the fringe benefits of being in a couple then I have to date. I often feel like I am on a job interview and if I have to explain what I get from blogging 1 more time I will scream.

So I have tried to clarify some points that I have gone a bit wrong on myself, sure there's no point in there being more than 1 of us getting the reputation of being a bad date.

What I have learned - How not to date

Do not talk to men like you talk to your female friends. Be very careful in your choice of conversational topics, they are unlikely to be impressed that you had 3 natural childbirths and that your son weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces, this will make them wonder what effect that had on the part of your anatomy that they may wish to explore at a later stage.

Do not feel free to rip apart their taste in music or the car they drive or what they wear. Even if it kills you to bite your tongue and there is a joke screaming to be made, resist at all costs. Your bitchy sarcastic sense of humour doesn't make you attractive to men at all.

Best not to mention that you read your horoscope every day and that you know what astrological signs are compatable with your Leo (Aries and Leo) and which are bad (Virgo and Cancer) This makes you sound weird.

Do not mention your ex or ex's. This is tricky as my ex is the reason I live where I live and the "Tell me why you left your own country?" chat always happens. This also rules out a lot of good conversational topics (point 1) such as places you've been on holiday, this is usually a good topic and if you can mention your trip to Paris or New York or Barcelona without mentioning who accompanied you, then do your best travelogue.

Do not mention your kids too much. They are not cute and sweet to anyone else except you and your immediate family. Mine are not cute and sweet to anyone, even me.

Some men think women who have cats are worth avoiding (sorry Lisa, maybe only British men think cat lovers are odd) If you love your cat and he sleeps on your bed, you have a photo of him as your screensaver and you speak to your cat in a ickle baby voice and refer to yourself as mummy, don't tell your date.

Don't be tempted to go for the 3rd glass of wine, in my case it's the 2nd. It may make you feel relaxed and you think you are having some flirty banter and witty repartee, the bon mots are tripping silkily and seductively off your tongue and you think you are being so funny that you wonder how much it would cost you to put on a one woman show at the fringe. This is your cue to stop drinking, have a diet coke or a water. You're not being entertaining, you're getting pissed and he either thinks he's getting lucky or he's getting scared.

When your date tells you that you are so sexy he means he is horny. Every man I have ever dated has told me I was the sexiest woman they had ever met. This is pish, I am not remotely sexy, even when I try, which to be fair isn't that often. Do not be fooled.

At the end of the evening do not be surprised if they wish to do more than kiss you on the cheek. They may wish to take the knickers off you. You don't even know each others surnames but some people are more than happy to have knowledge of you that would rival your gynaecologist.

I'm off to The Beautiful House for a week, see you when I get back.

Horoscope Shmoroscope part 2

Ok so on Wednesday I told you about my foretold "intense romantic encounter" and if you read the comments of that post, it will tell you of the most romantic thing that happened to me that day.

I am a wee bitty sad in that I do actually read my horoscope every day, I like Russell Grant's one as he's on my Tiscali homepage, so I read Leo every day for me, I read Virgo, and EBD is Pisces and I have to add Cancer for Note Bene. I really do want to believe in this, I would love to have my fortune told or my tarot cards read again.

When I was 16 I had my Tarot read and the woman told me she could see me marrying a tall dark haired man and she saw him surrounded by money. The man I married worked for a bank, so he was surrounded by it, it just wasn't his. She told me I'd own a house abroad ( we do, a villa in Turkey) and she told me I would mourn a baby I didn't have ( I do and will always to my dying day, that baby would have been 15 this month) and that I would marry twice (maybe not beyond the realms of possibilty???). This kinda set the belief in me, also that my mother and sister really really believe, it makes my Dad snort with laughter.

So, back to my wee sad obsession, and the great want to believe. This month it said on the 13th I would be offered a lucrative work assignment and I was, so nah nah nah nah nah to the unbelievers.

But today's gem....

All's fair in love and war, at least as far as you're concerned. Competing for someone's affection proves an exciting challenge. Fortunately, you have enough charm and sex appeal to prevail. Be sure to dress to impress. If you already have a lover, take this opportunity to spice up your sex life. Acting out your fantasies will prove exhilarating. Role playing is also fun. Don't assume your amour won't be up for it. You will never know unless you ask.

Okay, I had only planned on doing the usual lesson planning, marking, visit to Gap and then a bit of ironing but as I'm so absolutely smokin hot, the good knickers will be back on (fortunately I have a ferocious selection of lingerie) and maybe it's even time for the sexy black stiletto boots, hell, let's bring the big guns out and I'll ask ...






Are you excited or afraid ?

I want to ride my bicycle

This is a word for word quote from November 4th s edition of The Sunday Times

Cyclist of the week

A hotel guest has been put on the sex offenders register after attempting intercourse with his bicycle. Two cleaners interrupted the man at a hotel in Ayr after they knocked on the door and heard no reply.
" The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to stimulate sex" Ayr sherrif court heard. He will be sentenced later this month after admitting a sexual breach of the peace.

Well, lordy, lordy it takes all sorts doesn't it ? What a shocking waste of tax payers money to prosecute him. I do feel slightly sorry for this man though, I personally wouldn't get my jollies with a bike but I do know grown men who get excited on buses. I kinda feel that if it's an inanimate object and it's in private then it's no bother to your auntie, whatever lights your candle.

Does the hotel have to take some kind of responsibility for this? I mean, why did they decide to call the police ? Hotels make shed loads of money from showing adult movies to lonely sales reps. I mean, if it's a rainy Tuesday night in Ayr and they're showing the Porn De France on pay per view, what do they expect?