Gifted and Talented

I got home from work to find these in my fridge. The Beautiful Son went to Sainsbury's and bought me a kg of Roses chocolates for my birthday in 2 weeks time. How many times a day do I go into the fridge?
Did he think I wouldn't notice ?
Yes, this is the son that was identified as being Gifted and Talented.

This is why despite severe mental torture, I really, really love my children !

I'm off to The Mother Country in the morning, so I'll see you when I get back.

Humans in Training

Now, you all know how much I love The Beautiful Children but I have to confess that they rely on me just slightly less than when they were babies. I am at their beck and call 24 hours per day. No matter what I am doing, if they need something, they just interrupt me with a plaintive "Mummeeeeeeee, I need you to...." They will shout from one end of the house to the other for me, I don't respond to shouting so then they will text me or call my mobile asking for grapes to be fed to them or some other such nonsense. No one except me can find any feckin thing in this house. My family lose things a lot.

They think nothing of waking me up to ask me to find something, last Saturday Beautiful Baby Daughter woke me up before 7 to ask me where her majorette stick was. I then had to get up and watch her twirl to some very brain addling pop music for 20 minutes and that was before my coffee. She loves to put on shows for me, sometimes I get them twice daily. No matter what I'm doing, if she needs something she has to come first. Last week I looked after my friends baby and BBD accused me of not paying her and her dancing any attention, I was pushing a baby in a swing !!! She gets very cross if I'm on the phone, she demands to know who I'm talking to and she says things like " you never do anything with me" That's because I'm too busy finishing all the jobs I leave undone as I keep getting interrupted.


Eldest Beautiful Daughter has rang and rang and rang during lessons convincing me that I need to answer the phone as some disaster has surely befallen her only to find she is looking for her skinny jeans. She constantly needs driving places and she says things like "but you want me to be safe, Mummy" and I'm always taking her to buy shoes, that child goes through Converse like you wouldn't believe. I spend a disproportionate amount of time sorting clothes out for her, her laundry load is phenomenal. She has the attention span of a house fly and if there are no matey's around I get the "I'm bored Mummy, entertain me" and she talks nonsense at me till my ears bleed.

The Beautiful Son rings and texts me constantly asking if he's allowed anything else to eat, this is an omnipresent worry for him. He's no sooner finished eating one meal and he's looking for his "afters" or his snack and God help me if I say we're having brunch, he looks at me like I've just kicked a puppy. Amalgamation of meals is something his little brain is unable to comprehend. This boy likes 3 meals per day, 2 with afters and at least 4 snacks. He also has real difficulties in finding things and is getting slightly obsessed with doors being locked (since EBD mad mate came in shouting and TBS locked himself in the loo cos he thought we were being burgled) and he accompanies me round the house at night to ensure it's locked, he also doesn't like to be downstairs on the computer on his own, so I have to sit there till he's finished before I can go to bed. He also likes to be asleep before me. He likes to go to bed at 11, I like to go at 9.30 ( I've got an early morning majorette show) so I am now perpetually knackered.

This is in addition to the 5 courses I teach and all the prep for that, I do all the washing, cooking (ok, heating up), cleaning, shopping, ironing, driving and anything else that needs doing.I could also do a spot of United Nations peace keeping as I am constantly refereeing between them. They often ask me which one I love the most, each child thinks a different one is the favourite. TBS used to ask which one I'd save first if there was a fire ( what goes on in my kid's brains ?) but stopped after EBD said it would be him as he's too stupid to get himself out. God, is it any wonder I've got grey hair ?

My week without the weans got down graded to Fri and Sat night without them, so EBD went on Thurs night and came back on Sunday afternoon, TBS and BBD went on Fri night and came back Tues afternoon so all the things I'd planned to do to the blog didn't get done, aw well, there's always next year.

ps yesterday I was so feckin demented with their wants I recorded a new voicemail message which I think put my point across quite well, so ring me and have a listen.

Decisions, Decisions

As my nearest and dearest will tell you I am chronically and terminally indecisive. It's just as well I'm a vegetarian as if I had a whole menu to choose from it would take me weeks, the 1 or 2 veggie options suit me quite well, thank you very much.

In the list of decisions I have got to make in the next few weeks, I'll let you have the easy one

What the feck am I going to do with my life ?

Should I be brave and take a chance, be a bit reckless and try and make some happiness for myself ? Or should I revert to Mummy mode, keep the peace and put their happiness and needs above mine

I don't need to add the again for any mummies reading this.

Curse words, tell off's and come backs

I've been tagged by Cheekie for my 3 all time faves of the above, she is expecting good things of me as I am an ex punk, please remember that I am also an ex catholic so the guilt thing is HUGE and also that I am pretty much, a good girl, I'm only bad enough to be interesting. So...

3 most often used curses
Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph

Feck and feckin (sometimes in moments of high agitation it becomes feckity, feckity, feck and only under extreme duress does it become fuck or fuckity,fuckity,fuck)

Shag and shagging (used to describe sex and also as in I'm so shagging tired, not from actual shagging sadly, apologies TMI part trois)



3 Tell off's - now we're talking, I'm the very woman you want for that, not only a mummy but a teacher too, watch and learn...

Would you give yourself peace

Of course you don't understand it, sweetie, it's harder than colouring in isn't it ?

No, because I am a grown up



3 come backs

Did you hear that ?, yep, definitely taxi for auntiegwen (I usually use my surname for this one, it works better, but if I had, you'd know who I was)

It's not your fault, you weren't blessed and born Scottish like me

Your mum or your face (beloved of teenagers over here) or best of all yer arse in as Glaswegian an accent as you can make it.


Apologies to any of my readers of a more sensitive disposition especially if you're reading this before your coffee, the Edge has developed a habit of presenting me with TMI before my coffee, it does make the start of the day interesting though.

Please feel free to have a go, as usual Edge, you're exempt

MILF ?

As some of you know I am a teacher at the school Eldest Beautiful Daughter attends. When I started there last year I was a bit worried about how she'd feel but it's been surprisingly good fun.

I'm not a cross, shouty type teacher, I'm probably far too laid back with them but by and large I get on really well with my students. The more acerbic of my colleagues will say that's because I have the mental capacity and maturity of a teenager, I just think it's because I genuinely enjoy children and teenagers company.

I have over the course of the year developed a wee fan club, a lot of it is to wind up EBD, which it does but I have some wee boys who hang around waiting to talk to me who don't even know the EBD, it's a bit strange but wee boys and old men have always loved me, it's the 40 something one's I struggle with, and that's a shame as that's my target market so to speak.

Quite often EBD will tell me what these wee boys say about me and I have a great laugh about it as all who know me know I would really struggle to date someone even 3 years younger than me and my ideal would be 3 years older than me, so I find it all quite amusing, why would they fancy someone old enough to be their mum when there are all these nubile young lovelies about, whit's that aw aboot ? (TM Edge)

EBD was at a party on Sunday night and was getting a bit grossed out about what these 18 years old wanted to do to me and then a nice boy came up to her and said quite earnestly " I don't have a crush on your mum, I think you're better looking"

She replied " Thanks, I think "

See, she's got good genes, that girl.

A Great Big Thank You

I would like to say thank you to everyone who visits here.

My blog has been one of the most fun things I have ever done in my life. It has provided me with interaction with adults whilst being at home with the children. It has allowed me to try and clarify my thoughts and feelings. It's given me the chance to share the little funny things that the children have done that you would normally share with your partner. I hope that when they are older and they do read this, they will see just how essential they are to me, just as the air that I breathe is and how much they are loved. I've had insight into other people's views and opinions. I've been privileged enough to see into other people's lives and enjoy their ups and try and see them through their downs. I've made friends from all over the world. I've learned, I've laughed and cried too but for me it has been an overwhelmingly positive experience.

I know of people who have been given written warnings at work because of their blog even though they haven't mentioned it by name, I've seen nasty comments written on posts and I've seen people profoundly hurt by blog/real life cross over. I've been very fortunate in that my experience has been so good but I think that is the case for most of us bloggers.

My blog/real life cross over is limited, my children don't read it, my ex husband doesn't know I do it, I think some friends know I have it but have not been sufficiently interested to read it. So I only have a few people who know the regular me and the blog me, I have my mate the Edge who has known me for at least 180 years and he encouraged me to do it, I have my friend Sixy who is so funny and sweet, I have IT GOD who now knows more than he wanted to and wishes he hadn't bloody found it and I wonder if from time to time someone I used to date drops by, I know I would find the temptation irresistible if he had a blog, I'd have definitely kept reading, if you do Ken, please say hello.

The real kind of point to this is to say thanks for being with me. I've been blogging for about 18 months now and over that time I've been given awards. Due to my sheer technological numptiness and general can't be arsed to learn how to ness I've never put them on my blog and for that reason also I don't have a favourites list. It's not that I don't appreciate them, honest. So I have a little cyber drawer of nice things that include

A Rocking Girl Blogger award from Lisa

A Courageous Blogger award from Newfie ( who has disappeared and I often worry if she's ok)

A Busy Bee award from Tom Foolery

An Arte De Pico award again from Tom Foolery

An award of my choice from a selection at Mean Mom ( I loved the heart one but I worry that I wouldn't be able to link it back to her and you need the sentiment with the award) so I'll go for the nice one, I am often described as nice, I prefer edgy, but I can go with nice.

An award of my choice from MOB, I'd like to take the funny one, I get described as funny sometimes too, and sexy, that really surprises me, I never think of myself as sexy. Sorry, tmi again.

So in a poor attempt at coherence and a round up between my last post and this post, in my week without the weans I am going to attempt to put my awards on my blog, have different and appropriate music play to accompany the posts, learn to do the click on this word thingy and add a list of my favourite reads. That will take the whole week but the upshot is I can stay in my pyjamas and eat crap. I, sad article that I am, am really looking forward to doing this.

So, once again, thank you for being part of my life and thank you for letting me into yours. My day to day existence is so much the richer for it.

Without the Weans

You know that I love my children, I really really do, profoundly, deeply and unconditionally. Always good to get your disclaimer in early.

Is it wrong then for me to be so feckin excited ? Porquoi, I hear you exclaim, because from Thursday 17th of July until Thursday 24th of July I will be sans weans.

That's right, your auntie will be child free for a week.

Again for emphasis, I will be child free for a week.

Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, what will I do with myself for a whole week ? Answers on a postcard please.

Techfeckinology part umpteen

Yes, my nemesis has come back to haunt me again. At work all my timetable for next term starts on Monday, why ? The computer says so, I got my confirmed timetable only on Wednesday and being a good girl I planned Mondays first 3 lessons and submitted the lesson plans. Then as I was leaving today I found out that all the school timetables are wrong as the students have a completely different timetable to the staff, so they will issue an electronic timetable later today. That means I do not know who or where or when I will be teaching next week or in September. This matters a lot as I am part time and I have arranged other teaching work elsewhere based on what I thought I was available to do. All because of a technical hitch.

Whilst at home....

I am writing this on the new PC as my laptop says on 1 part of the screen it's connected to the internet but on another it has "connection issues"

Well I have issues too...

So I have struggled to sort this out ( ok I asked the weans and switched it on and off, then I switched off the router thingy and switched it back on again) and IT God now has a limit on how many times I'm allowed to ask for help and he keeps threatening to show me how to do stuff myself, does he not know me at all? I mean, the policy of acting all helpless and getting people to do my tech stuff for me has served me well over the last 4 decades !!!

So here I am, not prone on my bed but upright in the dining room letting you know that I am still alive. As it's the end of term we've been mainly school fete ing and school concert ing

Beautiful baby Daughter and Eldest Beautiful Daughter both claim to have won the 6 foot tall bright orange and black soft toy shark that I keep tripping over. They have the same first initial and the daft pair both really want the damn thing. Well of course that's all I need to make my happiness complete a 6 foot toy shark, lucky me. An asset to any home.

Beautiful Baby Daughter had to play her trumpet at a musical concert last night at school. They provided wine on arrival, wine at the interval and then more wine at the end. This helped tremendously with my enjoyment levels of the evening. At no point in the evening did the violin playing sound like a cat being ironed. I feel all childrens performances would be much easier to get through with this help. Maybe even parents evenings for both teachers and parents ? Should I put it in the staff suggestions box at work ?

I am out drinking tonight and possibly out drinking tomorrow night. This will make 3 nights in a row. I wonder if my behaviour will be worse for the cumulative effect or because all my lovely bloggy friends have assured me that I'm just having fun ?