Tuesday, 3 March 2009

As others see you

Now I'm the first to admit that as a teenager my dress sense verged on the adventurous, my mammy was mortified on a daily basis by the cut of my jib. But now, grown up (stop laughing or you'll go on the naughty step) teachery auntiegwen looks like a grown up teacher at her work. I do so.

We have a new teacher covering a maternity leave at our school. I cannot see this man without dissolving into snorts and peals of laughter, I mean the real deal, I've had 3 children and my pelvic floor's not what it was type of laughter. I am not the only member of staff to feel this way, you can always tell when he's entered the staff room just by the suppressed laughter.He looks like he got dressed in the dark. I am no longer allowed to go to the daily staff briefings because I cannot control myself and make a holy show of our department.

I so wish I could take a photo but I will try and make do with words.

He is of indeterminate age, could be anywhere from mid 30's to 40's

Around 5 feet 7

Black hair, none on top, just around the edges, it's slicked with brylcream or some such unguent, it's very shiny.

He is like an Easter egg with legs, that shape.

But it's the clothes, I feel so mean laughing but Holy Mary Mother of God, I've never seen the cut of anything like it, but in our school ? Where American tan tights and Farah slacks are sent to die.

Every day he wears and I mean every day (we all look out for him and email each other when we've got his daily dress report)
tight black trousers that end 2 inches above his ankle
a belt that says "God" on the buckle
Cuban heeled boots at least 2 or 3 inches high
but the piece de resistance, are you ready ? can you take it ?

Satin shirts, yep, you read right, they are satin with quite a full bell effect sleeve and he has a powerful number of them, I have spotted lilac, red, tangerine, mustard yellow and a electric BLUE one, yep it wasn't blue it was BLUE. When he does playground duty and it's cold he tops off this ensemble with a duffel coat.

And round the school he goes, not a bother on him,like a refugee from Strictly Come Dancing, God love him. I kind of expect him to start doing a Paso Doble in the corridor, or to click his heels together and swish his duffel coat like a matadors cape. I'm sure he's worth getting to know, it takes a certain strength of character to dress so bizarrely and when I can stop laughing I'm going to see if he wants to be friends.

15 comments:

Nota Bene said...

...and if you laugh, just imagine what the kids are doing....
....schools should be full of characters for pupils to talk about for decades afterwards...

lisaq said...

Haha...I almost spewed coffee all over the computer laughing. Maybe I should use your description and have my students draw a picture of him. It would be a great listening exercise!

The Dotterel said...

You are joking, aren't you. Surely no-one dressed like that would even get an interview?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

What a brilliantly written post. Your humour is superb and so Glaswegian - the best! I hope you are seriously thinking of writing a book because your powers of description are second to none. I can picture fashions 'missing link' as you describe him in full technicolour! And then you go on and show such compassion for his difference by saying you might just dig beneath the surface to see what depths of character there might be. What a gal you are Auntie, a real gem. X

Shirley said...

Complete and total dittos to MOB's comment, AG! Joking or not, you have a way with words. What I wouldn't give for a couple hours over a skinny latte with you right now! :)

Katie said...

Gotta love a God belt!

Penelope said...

Stop! You're killing me and my pelvic floor isn't what it was, either!
"Got dressed in the dark" is one of my fave expressions and I use it often. You almost had me snorting wine and we wouldn't want to waste, would we?! xxx

auntiegwen said...

NB - I love eccentricity in all it's forms, the kids seem to have taken to him really well

Lisa - he's absolutely gas, rasperry red moleskin trousers and a black shirt today

Tim - he must have worn something else for his interview, but the head looks troubled when he sees him

Mobs - I love that "fashions missing link !" and I am so not as nice as you give me credit for !

Shirley - well you must save youe cents my lovey and when you do your long dreamed of trip over the pond, we will spend hours over lattes xx

Katie - you do, my daughter has one that says "Jesus is a rock star" my brother in law the Baptist minister is so proud !

Penelope - I love it too x and no, we wouldn't want to waste wine, I heard there was going to be a shortage around the end of March, I wonder why ??? xx

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I formerly worked with a lovely, intelligent man - This was in the last 5 years - He was colour blind, and variously came in looking like a full-on Rupert The Bear, with mustard tartan troos 'n' all, or in a burgundy/rust suit combo. For special occasions, when people retired, that sort of thing, he brought out a teal blue crushed velvet pantaloon suit...

He might be your colleague's brother?!

Working mum said...

Don't - my pelvic floor can't take it either!

sixpence said...

I feel quite frisky after reading that description. Shame I'm attached!
;-)
Anyway, you always say you like them quirky...

auntiegwen said...

Fhina - don't you just love it, we should rebel against the beige !!!!

WM - it was fuschia pink today !

Sixy - I think he has taught at Bidey's school and I do like them quirky, but why do I ?

Anonymous said...

You are right about the spell ar Bidey's school.
I think the belt is actually his name - not God, But I can't remember what it is.
What a legend though!

auntiegwen said...

Anon - I do know his real name but it wouldn't be fair to blog it !

Extenze Male Enhancement said...

I'm the first to admit that as a teenager my dress sense verged on the adventurous, my mammy was mortified on a daily basis by the cut of my jib.