Monday 31 May 2010

The Best News

I was shopping in town today with the Beautiful Baby Daughter, it should be in capitals for emphasis, it was EXTREME SHOPPING, not a child for half measures. After five feckin hours I truly, was losing the will to live. I have been relieved of almost £200, have been cajoled into hot chocolates and rocky roads in Starbucks, Happy Meals (I wasn't terribly happy) in McDonalds and the thing that really fecking annoyed me a £3.90 Oreo milkshake in Coffee Republic, I could hear her dads voice saying "Christ, I could have bought a pint for that"

Near the end someone handed me this leaflet

Ooh thinks the auntie...

I've won the lottery
David Tennant is actually going to shag me
Chanel handbags are being given away free to all 43 year old women for being 43
Fruit and Nut Toblerones are now calorie free
The anti wrinkle fairy has come and kissed me, I now look 25 again

These are just the top 5 of my little fantasy daydreams, so with great excitement, the auntie did, with fingers a quiver, open the leaflet to see which of her top 5 wishes had been granted and read...

Which is lovely news, I know and it's not that I'm not grateful but would it be so difficult to give me one of the top 5 as well? It would, okay then, I'll try and be less shallow and more grateful.


Ayak said...

OK...well I'm not religious at I think it's perfectly in order for me to say that I prefer your 5 fantasy wishes.

Shirley said...

Very annoying, that in-your-face religious stuff. As if reading a pamphlet that's been shoved at one is going to make one stop and suddenly realiize, "Well of all things, THAT'S what's been missing!" Makes me want to hand it back and say, "You dropped your toilet paper."

Shirley said...

Oh, and I have also spent this long weekend (Memorial Day over here) with my youngest daughter. And yes, we have spent beaucoup bucks on frivolous things like iced mochas and gourmet bagels. Making memories is expensive!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

For the love of God! Couldn't you tell from the kaftan, long hair and open toed sandals that the leaflet wearer was decked out in that he was God's representative on earth? No, okay, me too. They got wise and now dress just like us but if you look closely into their eyes, you can see that glint, a hint of madness there.

I always like the comment someone sprayed on one of the bridges on the M1 'Jesus saves - with the Woolwich! That always gave me a laugh stuck in an unholy traffic jam on my way home.

Think yourself lucky, we have a hoard of Jehovas Witness peeps that live in our village. They always knock on the door just as your Sunday fry up has been served. I resent these religious nutters imposing themselves on my time at home, uninvited. They walk in pairs as though they glide and seem brainwashed into looking like a lifestyle ad as they smile and nod heads sagely at each other; groups of automotons at odds with society. Scary stuff, like living in a bad b movie made in small town America. You got off lightly!

Velveteen Rabbit said...

Oh that has had me laughing out loud! You writing is just fabulous! Thank you for endless grins xx

p.s I think the anti-wrinkle fairy would be my number 1 choice ;)

libby said...

Ooh yes with a female child..very hard on the purse....but as Shirley said, its making a memory.
I like your 5 wishes (but wrinkles? what wrinkles??) and am seriously beginning to wonder if us your loyal readers could in fact organise a meeting for you with the fabulous Mr T somehow, then you could just devote your time to toblerones, shoes etc.,

libby said...

Ooh yes with a female child..very hard on the purse....but as Shirley said, its making a memory.
I like your 5 wishes (but wrinkles? what wrinkles??) and am seriously beginning to wonder if us your loyal readers could in fact organise a meeting for you with the fabulous Mr T somehow, then you could just devote your time to toblerones, shoes etc.,

Elderberry-Rob said...

hi aunty gwen, as a Jesus lover I found some of the comments a bit scary! I secretly hope to win the lottery too and when I get a leaflet like that shoved at me I do despair as it really is intrusive and I cringe for all those who feel they should do it (as I have been there and done it)... but it had the desired effect, it made you stop and think and evaluate and because you are light hearted and funny you have made me laugh and probably every leaflet pushing bible basher who reads this will laugh too.

Working Mum said...

OMG Oreo milkshakes are available in Coffee Republic?!! I thought I could only get them in the US. This will really scupper my diet!

Anonymous said...


Thanks for that. I needed a laugh :)

Gigi said...

I can't stand the pushy-in-you-face ones! I understand that their mission is to "evangelize" & they want to "save" souls - BUT in my mind - it's a private thing and you shouldn't be shoving your beliefs (no matter what they are) in someone else's face. And yeah, I'd like the wrinkle-fairy to come visit me .... and to win the lottery.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Obviously the leaflet has a lovely message and all that, but I can quite see that it wouldn't hit the spot in the same way as DT, or the lottery win, or in fact any of your top 5, which would clearly change your life immediately x

Madame DeFarge said...

It's a shame to think that some people have yet to hear the good news about David Tennant.

AGuidingLife said...

look at it this way : heaven (and especially according to the Jehovahs) is a fantastic place to be - so if you discover Jesus now (and how could you not with people pushing leaflets in your face all willy nilly) then you stand a chance of shagging David Tennant in the after life : well I mean how could an enternity of wonderfulness not include that ... HEY get to the back of the queue, BACK of the queue I said!

Jon Storey said...


You must know our youngest too?

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

2nd time lucky lol

If Jesus was any sort of a guy he would have stepped up an bought that oreo thingy for you.

auntiegwen said...

Ayak - yep, you can definitely have any of my wishes you want

Shirley - I don't mind it really, I often get approached, my mother says I have a face that looks like it needs saving!!! gee thanks mum

Mobs - I don't get that many door to door ones anymore, I used to get loads

VR - yep, I'd like the anti wrinkle fairy or the thinner thigh fairy to pay me a visit pronto xx

Libby - oh yes, get David T to give me a sympathy shag :) ooh, I'll have to have a wee sit down, I got evergiddy at the thought then

Mrs Y - I genuinely hope I haven't offended you, I don't mind any leaflets at all, I was just trying to make a bit of fun about how shallow I am really, I am blessed in my children and my health and I've never known real hardship in my life and yet I witter on about really trivial stuff xxx

WM - I dread to think about how many calories they contain

Dutchy - here to please, that's me

Gigi - yep I'm going to produce a list of fairies I would like, it's getting longer

LRBS - oh yes, I'd happily take anything at the moment

Madame - it's a real puzzler, isn't it?

Kellogsville - I have such a martyr complex I most definitely must be getting something good in the afterlife

Jon - ah yes, another fellow sufferer, nice to know we're not alone :)

Lolly - indeed or he could have made me a free one £3 feckin ninety!!!!

Suzanne Ross Jones said...

Will keep fingers crossed your 5 wishes come true.


scrappysue said...

haha so funny. jesus loves everyone. apparently.

Muddling Along said...

I agree - if he loves us perhaps he could also reverse aging!

auntiegwen said...

Suzanne - any 1 of them would do me, I'm not greedy !!xx

Sue - yep apparently even grumpy old bloggers like me :)

Mam - oh yes, I don't mind getting older it's all the upkeep of not looking like a desperate old hag that do me in!!!