Sunday, 13 February 2011

Precariously balanced



At the moment life chez auntiegwen is a teeny tiny bit tense. The exmrauntiegwen got engaged and told the children on Saturday. He told my son a few weeks ago which caused him to be stressed silly, my son told my elder daughter whom I feel is also stressed about it but Beautiful Baby Daughter was told yesterday on return from her school ski trip.

My poor little one was so shocked and upset, she was actually shaking and couldn't understand why she felt so cold, she has cried her little heart out. She can't articulate why she isn't happy about it, she just doesn't feel right about it.

The exmrauntiegwen has lived with her for the last 4 and a half years so I am only surprised it didn't happen sooner but the children have been massively upset by this.

So yesterday the children didn't go to stay with their dad as planned, my youngest daughter won't speak to her dad and spent most of the day crying on and off, my eldest went to stay at her boyfriends and my son went to a party and got very drunk.

I imagine there will be more to come. Thank you to Adventures in Reality for letting me steal this lovely photo to illustrate a less than lovely situation.

32 comments:

Rare Lesser Spotted said...

I can't find words really to express my thoughts on how your children feel and how you must feel about their reactions. None-the-less, healing thoughts are being sent to you and yours - they have busy lives and they should probably concentrate on looking forward and for their own future and for supporting each other as a family.
XX

auntiegwen said...

Steve - as always, thanks xxx

libby said...

Oh AG...wish there was something I could do...but you are a great little family and will all pull together and manage to get through..sending you love xxxx

auntiegwen said...

Libs - thanks, I know we will :) xxx

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately when there is divorce is is usually messy - despite trying very hard for it not to become so - I think there is an inevitability about it. Especially when new partners come on the scene. It is usually men who have the new partners first, as the women are too busy looking after and caring for the children. In my own case, my ex husband remarried and when my daughter was 7 decided seeing her was all too difficult. They have not seen each other since; nearly 18 years ago! I tried everything but neither wanted too ultimately and my daughter finaly rejected the idea of seeing her father at 12 when he got in contact again - on her birthday which upset her dreadfully. I remind her every now and then that I can help her contact him now if she would like. She would not like as she feels he should have done more to have kept up and built up the relationship. She does not feel a bond towards him. He regrets his actions but sadly for them both it is too late. When my daughter was still small, about 4 he thought it was a good idea to introduce a girl friend to our daughter when he himself did not see her on a regular basis as she did not want to go. I thought that it was best that they get their own relationship on an even footing first before introducing a stranger whom I had never met and that he had only been seeing a couple of months. This led to lots of rowing and my daughter being very upset. I think often the other parent can be so aware of their own happiness and feeling entitled to it, that what is best for the children is neglected - my ex choose to sacrfice his daughter rather than himself. Without wanting to seem holier than thou, I always put my daughter first. Twenty years later I am still not re-married and have had very few relationships (only when my daughter got to about 15-16) as my daughter was my priority. My husband is on his 3rd marriage. As you are finding, it is you who have to deal with all the upset that your ex has caused them through handling the situation poorly. Yet I bet he doesn't have a clue how upset they are and will say you are just exaggerating, trying to make trouble etc if you were to bring it up. Meanwhile you have to deal with their pain yourself. I sympathise with you I really do. You hear a lot of how Mothers stop children from seeing fathers etc and use them as weapons (this happens but rarely in my view). While you rarely hear about the fathers who walk away or who cause their children abject misery by the inept way they choose to behave and the callous disregard for their children. Selfish badly behaved men who treat their children as if they are very far down their list of priorities are all too common and they make the lives of their children totally miserable as well as that of their ex wife/partner (who is at least adult). The emotional kicking that some fathers give their children is outrageous but there is often nothing to do but be there and mop up the tears. Good luck!

auntiegwen said...

Anon - I am so sorry that things were so difficult for your daughter and you. I read loads of blogs about divorcing/divorced families and like you I am always saddened that children don't always get put first on the agenda.
I am incredibly lucky that my ex loves his children deeply and always keeps visiting/phoning/texting even when they are sulky and uncommunicative. I thank my lucky stars for that every day, he won't ever let them go and sometimes it would be a lot easier for him to drift away but he keeps showing up and keeps loving so hopefully we will get there.

Velveteen Rabbit said...

Have no wonderful words of wisdom or insight to share......
In my own sad situation I can only see that even where there is surface acceptance, there is still a feeling of shock and horror if any mention of a change is implied....

Life can be so sad sometimes *hugs* x

Angel Armogida said...

Great blog hun, I have a BEAUTY GIVEAWAY on my YouTube channel if you're interested you can enter here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K70-slx5Drs

Good luck hun, take care x

Angel of High Heels & Lipgloss
youtube.com/angelarmogida

auntiegwen said...

VR - I suppose for your kids they have got used to the dynamic as it is, change sometimes seems more scary, for my kids the only difference will be she will be his fiancee rather than a girlfriend, they have lived together for years anyway xx

auntiegwen said...

Angel - a beauty giveaway? really? wow that'll make everything okay

Kitty said...

Oh AuntieGwen, sweetheart, huge hugs. I understand, I empathise completely. You have a strong and secure family, this will pass, it's just hard right now while it's still raw, uncomfortable and strange.
It had to happen eventually, I guess ripping off the plaster is never easy, regardless how well-healed the wound is underneath.
Sending you calming and peaceful thoughts to all of the Beautiful People involved, especially you.
Hugs and quiches from Kitty xxx

auntiegwen said...

Kitty - I wish I could make it easier for them but I imagine time will bring a sense of acceptance xxx

Gigi said...

Gwen - I'm so sorry that the kids are having a rough time of it. Keeping you all in my thoughts.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

That just sounds so heart-breaking and so stressful. There's not much worse than seeing your children in pain and feeling miserable. Sending lots and lots of love and hugs your way xxxx

Curry Queen said...

It really doesn't matter that it shouldn't matter - it just does, doesn't it? (If that's not too convoluted a sentiment!) Your poor kids (and poor you). You know it will all settle down eventually but it's a rough ride getting there. Big hugs xx

Kelloggsville said...

hmmm, not good but these sort of things do have a habit of working out and I suppose as they get used to the idea they will get happy benefit from something (if only a wedding party and new clothes). Whereas you, I suspect, will have to be that continuing emotional rock and that is on top of having to come to terms with the divorce let alone his marriage. What a rotten time. Sigh, maybe you could just declare it Annus Horriblis already and then things can only get better :)

Anonymous said...

am I missing something, I'm sorry I fail to see what your children are upset about just because daddy has got engaged to someone he has known four years, isn't he entitled to a life now you are divorced? The children are being very selfish and immature that they won't visit and are strssed,shocked and upset, why? Dad is still the same person he was three days ago. your label says moving on, perhaps that is what you should do

Alienne said...

I can't offer any real advice not having been in this situation. Teenagers can be so touchy about things that you wouldn't expect them to be concerned about, but they also seem to be able to recover pretty quickly. If they have a good relationship with their father, and it sounds as if they do, they must also know their future step mother pretty well too and will probably recover from the shock fast once they have had time to absorb it.

Madame DeFarge said...

Not a situation with which I am at all familiar, but I hope everyone recovers their equilibrium soon.

Taz said...

((((Hugs)))) for all

Sandi said...

Having been there and experienced this all I can add is....time heals, keep the communication open, support with love, hugs, tears and good humour. (A dose of hot boy may help too and some chocolate). Perhaps your children would have liked their dad to have discussed this with them so that they felt part of it. Sometimes we just don't know why we feel the way we do about something. Sending love your way xx Sandi

auntiegwen said...

Gigi - even just a few days on they seem more accepting of it :)

LFBS - yeah, I hate when they're upset but as I say a few days on, so much better

CQ - that's it isn't it, they just feel something and they can't quite work out why but they'll be grand

S - I was genuinely pleased for him and I know he would be for me if the situation was reversed, nice that, when there is no huge animosity

auntiegwen said...

Anon - imagine children being selfish and immature and only seeing things from their perspective, Jesus, really shocking isn't it?

auntiegwen said...

Alienne - indeed they have, they just needed a bit of time to absorb it :) x

Madame - all seeming to be business as usual now, thankfully

Taz - thanks, hugs always welcome, as are gin and chocolate :) x

Sandi - that's it in a nutshell, she didn't know why it upset her but it did, all seems much calmer now though :) xxx

Andy said...

I know it'll all work out OK AG, your kids have you in their corner so they are already way ahead of the curve.

Oh, and Anon, just for for your ref; I was in a very similar situation as Gwen's kids are now, during my teenage years. Luckily my parents also gave me the space I needed to work things out for myself. They understood how I ticked and they cut me some slack accordingly. I now have a fantastic relationship with both parents and their respective partners.

Had I been pressured during that difficult time, things may not have worked out so well.

Some folk are just lucky to have parents that are grownups I guess.

auntiegwen said...

Andy - cheers me dear, I hope my kids end up where you got to, it gladdens my heart to know that for some people it doesn't irreparably damage them :)

Wylye Girl said...

auntiegwen, as the second wife of The Husband (though I should say at this juncture that I didn't meet him until several years after his separation) I've been through all of this from the other side. I think that it's the finality of the situation that causes the tears. There is now officially no way that a reconciliation will come about, even if it was absolutly off the cards anyway. I've been lucky that I've always had a very good relationship with The Husband's ex and with my wonderful stepson of whom I'm immensely proud but even then it was very difficult telling him we had decided to get married. You have a close and loving family and you will come through it. Hugs to you all

auntiegwen said...

WG - thank you, it's so good to hear views from differing perpectives, I am so glad all went well for you. I have a few good friends who have an awful time with their partners/husbands ex wives and it really can put a big strain on their relationships.

Ayak said...

It is upsetting for them (in spite of some people thinking they are perhaps being selfish...ffs).

My two kids went through the same emotions when their father remarried. It does get better. Like yours, my kid's father has always been there for them so there was a good solid relaionship to start with. Over the years they have grown close to their stepmum, and have two half-sisters, now in their teens, who they adore.

You're a fabulous mum...it comes across so clearly..you'll get them through it.

auntiegwen said...

Ayak - thank you for the kinds words, it's great to hear the stories of when things go well :)

Chic Mama said...

So sorry your children have the taken the news badly. It is so hard for them and usually it's the parent that lives with them that has to pick up the pieces and try and 'fix things' I really hope they accept it however hard it is. Horrid. :( xx

auntiegwen said...

Chic mama - I'm now wondering how it'll be when they next have to go and stay with him.