Sunday, 9 May 2010

Grumpity grump grump

I was going to blog about the election and give you the full benefit of my political ignorance. I'm sure you only pop in to find out my views on what's wrong with the world and having no knowledge of a particular topic seems not to deter me a jot from bumping my gums. I really do think I should be the next prime minister, my campaign would be aimed at making middle aged womens life slightly nicer and I'd make it the law that you'd get a free pair of shoes on your birthday. Should I pursue this dream?

Instead of which you are going to have to listen to me moan.

Today I shall be moaning mainly about my weight. I used to be a normal sized auntie, now I am a fat auntie, a getting fatter by the day auntie. To curb this trait I am eating less and moving around more. I have my pedometer and I am diligent in my daily steps, I have given up chocolate and cake and biscuits and all the nice things that make my life slightly better. I am not eating more than 1500 calories per day, the children report that I am less fun and more irritable. What is not happening is that I am fitting into my jeans. Fitting into the jeans is the only reason to go without cake.

So, in a fit of madness I bought a set of bathroom scales, thinking it would help me monitor the progress. I was officially grumped out when I realised how feckin heavy I am. I am the smallest person in this house and the heaviest.

Despite all the stepping and the no cakes and being good, I've lost nothing, that's right, feck all. How depressing is that?

So now I know, I am officially fat, with grey hair, wrinkles and a grumpy disposition. I have turned into Gordon Brown.

20 comments:

Velveteen Rabbit said...

Oh that has made me laugh! What could be worse!
At least you spell correctly, write interesting waffle and make me laugh....all that Gordon Brown fails miserably to do!
xxx

Laura said...

Someone needs to watch more morning telly, Lorraine Kelly would tell you that baathroom scales are a bad thing to have!!!!

Get yourself a wii fit, gets you fit( if you use it enough) and it's fun :o)

Kelloggsville said...

give it time and stick with it. It will move in the end but use a tape measure not scales if you are upping the exercise. You'll lose inches not pounds. PS do not deny yourself chocolate - a small piece of quality chocolate is worth a bucket of crap stuff and frankly life is too short :0)

Berthddu Suit said...

Auntie Gwen!!! What a post to come back to! You can't be grumpy, you are Auntie Gwen, oh well, whatever, we will love you anyway!

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Keep the cake and ditch the potatoes. Remember dark chocolate and red wine are good for you!

katyboo1 said...

Go to Slimming World. My best friend sold it to me when she told me she lost 3 stone and still got to eat a Cadbury's Flake every day! I lost 2.5 stone of baby weight in 3 months and I've never eaten so much in my life.

I also bought a £200 trouser suit I wanted in the size I wanted to be and hung it on the wardrobe door. Very motivational.

Alternatively you can embrace the new you, smash the scales with a lump hammer and party. I like that option just as much.

libby said...

Oh no you're not...curvy and cute, but not fat....throw away the scales, they are the work of the devil.

scrappysue said...

it's coz we're over 40. move to nz and eat cupcakes - they are calorific free on this side of the world. truly

scrappysue said...

it's coz we're over 40. move to nz and eat cupcakes - they are calorific free on this side of the world. truly

diney said...

Definitely ditch the scales as you will have water retention anyway, which is why they aren't showing any loss. If you are managing on 1500 calories a day you will probably start loosing in the 2nd week at about 1 - 2 lbs per week, as long as you don't cheat. (As if!!!) I agree that you shouldn't deny yourself chocolate if you can be strong enough to allow just a kit kat (2 fingers not 4) a day, for example - and suck it slowly to make it last!!!! (well that has always been my own trick, anyway!!)

Wii fit is also good - it's fun as the family can join in.

Matthew said...

My wife weighs herself every few days. We have a chart up in the kitchen. It goes back the best part of three years - and with all that data, she's still not happy.

No good comes from weighing yourself, mark my words.

MissK said...

Ugh. Diets. Weighing in. Hate it. Chuck the scales out the window, get a tape measure and do something vigorous every day. I did slimming world, it's brilliant for initial weight loss but I founf it hard to maintain (darn Ben and Jerry's....) Kisses xoxox

Working Mum said...

And you're Scottish!! Sorry, had to add that.

I agree with Kellogsville' measure your key areas and don't deny yourself a little bit of Green and Black's plain chocolate - a little goes a long way to satisfy the urge for chocolate.

Funny you wrote this post, I've just put the Working Mum family on a health regime. Too much cake and chocolate (and wine) over winter has taken it's toll on our waistlines!

Madame DeFarge said...

Not too much like GB, or else I'll worry what hormones are in Sheffield water.

Jon Storey said...

Ok Gordy! You will have to go....

I have lost a stone since christmas! Mind you my squash playing, running, jumping mountain bike riding thighs are now reduced to matchsticks, and I feel bloody lousy.

Careful what you wish for...

auntiegwen said...

VR - I'm not at all good with the spelling and my friend Neil is always giving out to me about grammar, but thank you :) xx

Lolly - I might liberate the wii fit from my parents house

Kellogsville- if I have 1 piece I'd have the bar, not known for moderation, sadly

Berthddu - you're back !!!! yeay xxx

LFBS - oh yes, wine and chocolate yumm, why potatoes? oh no I had a jacket potato with coleslaw yesterday :(

Katyboo - I've always shied away from organised slimming as I don't eat meat, fish or poultry or eggs (except in cake but I don't like eggy tasting things like omelette or quiche) but if they cater for food freaks like me, wey hey

Libby - yep, the work of the devil indeed

Sue - as if I need any more enticing to NZ :)

Diney - I have no off button, I just find it easier to abstain altogether, shame really

Matthew - I hear your wise words oh diet guru :)

MissK - another slimming world afficionado, must be something good thanks xx

WM - and I've got a dodgy eye as well !!!! a prize for any man, that's me :)

Madame - I don't live in Sheffield, about 2 counties down, finally I have found an excuse for my weirdness, the water in Sheffield, thanking you

Jon - will we swap thighs, mine are of rugby playing standard at the mo...

TOM FOOLERY said...

Turning into Gordon Brown??! Blinkin' 'eck woman don't resign to that thought. Buy bigger jeans (elasticated ones!) ;-)

Suzanne Jones said...

Stand next to me - I promise you'd be thin by comparison.

X

Gone Back South said...

I recently realised that getting older means getting fatter - and that this is inevitable unless we turn into obsessed endurance athletes and eat only rocket and cress - and I could barely speak with the injustice of it all.

auntiegwen said...

TF - I have bought bigger jeans but I hate the size of them :(

Suzanne - I doubt it, I am a humungous auntie x

GBS - it's so crap, isn't it? Everything just seems so much harder :(