Sunday 16 May 2010

Tan 90 Squared.

When I was 18 I couldn't wait to leave home, my legs were just a blur as they went through my parents front door and rushed me into my new life. I studied, I worked, I saved and by the time I was 21 had a mortgage, at 21 !!!!!!. Looking back I was so much more independent and grown up than the Eldest Beautiful Daughter.

My child has no desire whatsoever to leave home, not a notion. She is going to live in the Halls of Residence because I say she has to and I have filled in the forms myself as I know my child too well. Far too easy to leave it too late and miss the deadline.

The relationship we have is so different to the relationship I had with my own mother, I do love my mother but I was never close to her in the way my children and I are close. We talk, we laugh, we actively want to spend time together, we are compatible. We fit each other. I am truly, truly blessed, I genuinely enjoy all of my children's company. I won the parenting lottery because my kids are ace, no matter what happens to me in life, whatever sadness or shit stuff befalls us, we have the big love, we are the real deal. Tan 90 squared.

My house is an easy place to live, I don't have many rules, I haven't needed many. Friends are welcome anytime if they don't impact on anyone, it's big enough that you can find somewhere to make noise and not affect the rest of us. The cooking's a bit dodgy but it's clean and comfortable and it's happy. I don't say no for the sake of it, if I do refuse something I state my reasons and they have always been accepted without question. I am fair and I am consistent but the last word is always mine ( much to BBD chagrin.)

Maybe that's why my child doesn't have the desire to leave, I had little privacy at home, I wasn't allowed friends round never mind to stay over, I wouldn't be allowed to drink and my clothing was always criticised. My 18 year old daughter is a young adult, she drinks, she stays out late, she has a boyfriend and she wears what she likes, she can do that at home, without interference.

I am sending my child away, she truly would rather stay at home and commute the 45 miles each way, but I want her to have the experience of looking after herself and managing her own time, life and money. Because at home I tend to do it, I'll check the calendar, fill the fridge, do the laundry, drive and drop off and facilitate things for her, because I have to do it for the younger 2.

The thought of not seeing her every day is incredibly sad for me because I do love her and enjoy being with her, she's very funny and quick witted, both of us tend to look for a chance of a quip and it's just easy to be with her. But I am resolute, she has to move out to give her the experience of living without me.

Yesterday I was meant to be on a training course but it was cancelled but I'd arranged for the other 2 to be looked after all day anyway so she and I drove to Bicester and spent the easiest 8 hours together, we shopped, talked non stop and laughed so much. In the car I was telling her that as she was born 2 weeks too early she had to go have phototherapy for her jaundice, we were laughing about the babies going on a sunbed imagery and how even though the midwives were telling me to go back to bed and have a sleep, I wouldn't leave her on her own. I was in hospital for 3 days and every night I was offered for her to go in the nursery so I could sleep and I'd refuse and I could not leave her.

Then she said "Finally an explanation!"

You may move out darling girl but I will always be there, like our song says "Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear."


Anonymous said...

So lovely. To be friends with your children is a gift. But you are doing the tight thing - Uni gives you a degree, but more than anything else it is a step in growing up and a step to independence. She'll love it.

Looking for Blue Sky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
libby said...

Just made me cry missy....if you were here I'd be hugging you again.

aScotinItaly said...

You know I have just 'lost' my second daughter to university, it is difficult and there will be many tears from both parts (although you'll pretend you're okay so's she won't worry, but she'll know fine well that you're sad as hell. I too knew that the only way my 2 would start thinking for themselves was for them to let go of mums hand...and now that they are almost able to walk alone I feel made redundant, never bloody happy are we??
Sandra xxxx

Nota Bene said...

OH I thought this was going to be about trigonometry....she's a lovely wonder her leaving is hard...I shall feel the same when the boy goes...

Style At Every Age said...

Lovely post, reminds me how I feel about mine but I won't tell eldest daughter that I nearly killed her within hours of her birth by breast feeding her with both of her nostrils sunk into my boob, so she couldn't breathe, a midwife ran off with her to give her oxygen!

Kitty Moore said...

Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter - exactly the kind I want to have with Mia when she is older.

Suzanne Ross Jones said...

You've obviously made a very happy and secure home for your children.


Looking for Blue Sky said...

Realised my earlier comment was a tad tactless, sorry auntiegwen :(( Agree with everything you say, think you are doing the right thing and hope you won't be too sad xx

Fondant Kiss said...

Just found your blog and a tear in my eye!
I salute you auntie gwen. I will be back to read more. x

Jon Storey said...

The Children's Mother's Son has declared his intention to stay at home until we are both dead!

Providing we have garaging for his cars....

Eldest girl can't wait to leave for Uni. and we are forbidden to visit. But, I will surely have to drive up to Edinburgh at least one a week to do her laundry!

We should do a deal, the food is good here but we live in glorious, happy chaos!!

Youngest girl is lying sick on the sofa......

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Fantastic post. I had a colleague who stayed at home and went to a local uni. He was very witty but horribly reserved and clingy. He would have benefited from a spell away from home. As it was, he married a very overpowering woman and his life is a bit of a misery. Life experience, you can't beat it. She'll thank you for it one day - after the initial tears and pleading to come home until she settles in!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Just wanted to say that I've been here ages catchng up with your posts - superbly entertaining as usual. You are a tonic dear Gwennie!

Sueann said...

What a wonderful tribute to you and your children. 'tis good to be close to your kids. That makes life so much easier!!

Ayak said...

Lovely post. And it reminds me of the relationship I have with my daughter...also completely the opposite to that which I had with my own mother.

diney said...

Aw! It's wonderful to have such a close and loving relationship. I feel blessed with my eldest too, even though he did fly from the nest to go to uni, he was still home with all his friends for many, many sunday lunches during his 3 years! Then he came home to live for a year whilst working, as he thought 'he may as well'!

auntiegwen said...

Mud - yep, so true, I thought I was independant until I left home, then I realised what a big fat baby I was then :)xx

Libby - ah you'll just have to save all my hugs up till the next time, we can console each other xxx

Sandra - hiya hen, I know, so hard isn't it but having the boy and yer mammy will keep you busy ;) xxx

NB - the ex mr auntiegwen used to say that's how much he loved me infinity times infinity and we've always used it to express how much we love in our house. Yep, you will miss the boy muchly but you've got a few years still :)

Mrs fab - one of the drawbacks of the more ample bosom :) x

Kitty - Marshallah, I have been so lucky with ALL my children xx

Suzanne - I've worked hard to ensure they know they're loved, it's been sometimes less than brilliant for me personally as I've had to give up a lot so they have that stability but I thought it was the right thing to do as I've made lots of choices that they've just had to accept xx

LFBS - not tactless at all, bless you for being so sweet xxx

Deborah - aawh thank you, come in you're very welcome x

Jon - happy chaos with good food sounds like heaven :) hope poorly girl is better soon x

Mobs - yep, I know what you mean, she needs to learn to live without her mammy there xxx

SueAnn - it def helps me as I spend so much time with them

Ayak - I've tried to keep the good bits I got from my mum and the things that annoyed me as a teen I've tried really hard not to do them but it's hard isn't it?

Diney - I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if she came back after uni

scrappysue said...

that video is so cool. i took miss 20 to see snow patrol in christchurch several years ago. they were AWESOM!!!

scrappysue said...

my eldest has been gone 2 days of this 3 day weekend - with our car mind you! she really DOES need to leave - for herself just like EBD - miss 20 talks about it all the time and maybe one day she will actually go! i will miss her too, because when all is well with her world she is wonderful company and she does give great fashon advice. only yesterday she made me change my tights and it totally changed the outfit. they need to spread their wings tho, don't they!