Saturday, 22 August 2009

Outed

My life is slightly tricky and sad at the moment. I am about to file for divorce and as much as I'd love your input and advice (especially on the subject of how I can raise the £50,000 I need to buy my ex out, actually if you do have a notion of how to do that, please email me) I now feel I can't talk about it.

For 2 and a half years I have spouted the gospel according to St Gwen on a largely unsuspecting public. I have loved every single minute of it, it really has been an absolute privilege to be a part of this community and I am massively grateful for what I have got out of blogging. I love my blog and I thought I could never give it up. It really has been my voice.

Despite the fact I have photos up I feel I have managed to retain anonymity if I have chosen it. Some bloggers I have chosen to be with in my regular life and have become very dear friends, some I am going to meet soon and some I most sincerely hope that we will meet face to face. There are very few people who knew the me I was before blogging.

My ex husband told me today he'd found and read my blog. Around 2 years ago.

He had logged onto my computer in my home and was intrigued by the auntiegwensdiary on the drop down bar.

So he went home to his house and google searched it.

And he found it.

And he was very upset by some of the things I have said about him and some of the family dynamics I have reported from my perspective.

He says that he has only skim read it and he is not interested in my blog. He feels that if it is on the Internet then it is in the public domain and he has a right to read it.

He was also extremely upset to find out I have kept in touch with a mutual friend of ours and that he didn't know about this. This is bothering him muchly because this friend is male.

I don't feel that I have badmouthed him in any serious way and I'm sure that if in time, the children read it that they would not feel that I had misrepresented any of the facts. I have at no time showed this blog to my parents or family or with the exception of the mutual friend, anyone who knows him. I have at no time mentioned our real name or our location.

I probably cannot articulate how I feel, he wanders around my house and invades my physical space whilst visiting our children but the thought of him invading my mental space is deeply disconcerting to me.

He assures me he'll never read it again but do I want to censor every word that I write?

26 comments:

Katie said...

Ouch - it's always strange to find out that someone you didn't want to read your blog has found it.

It doesn't sound as though you've done anything wrong, especially since you've never named him. I think you should be free to write whatever you want - it's your space!

Working Mum said...

I always thought you'd written affectionately about your husband (and to be honest, I thought he was already the ex), but I can see that it would difficult for him to read about himself in such an arena.

I don't think you should have to stop or be censored on something that is yours, but if it's going to make things difficult during the divorce it may be wise to stick to more mundane topics for a while.

Difficult one.

Nota Bene said...

dang my dear. dang.

Josie said...

erm, why was he logging onto your computer in your home and so for two years he has kept quiet about reading your blog, yes it's in the public domain (perhaps make it private? there is something in the settings to tick not be searched by google, too late now though) and I thought we lived in a country of free speech, demorcracy etc? I know what you mean about invading mental space, two people in blogland have mentioned where I used to live and even put a road sign up on her blog of where I live now which was very unnerving considering I've never mentioned either town! If he doesn't like what he reads then don't read it! I've mentioned a well known large company on my blog but as far as i'm concerned I'm not deleting or censoring what I write beacuse it is the truth from me and my family's perspective. Hope the divorce goes ok if thats the right word.
Josie x

Who's the Mummy said...

Just found your blog via Don't Panic RTFM.

I split from my ex three years ago, and we’re not on good terms. Haven’t ever been. I don’t know if he reads my blog or not, but I always assume he could read anything I wrote, or that his friends could.

I don’t censor what I write on his account, though. My blog is my space, where I write about what I feel and how I see the world. Lord knows, I spent enough time when we were together worrying about his feelings and perspectives. And sometimes I think it wouldn’t do him any harm to see my point of view once in a while.

That said, I do censor for my daughter. There are a whole stack of stories about my ex that I’d love to blog about – things he’s done, stunts he’s pulled, ways he’s acted less than honourably. But my benchmark is always – would I want Flea to know this about her Dad? Is this something I want her teachers or school friends to tell her about if they read it?

I find it very hard sometimes to be discreet, but I do think it’s important.

scrappysue said...

you must feel so icky. make your blog private and invite your readers - we all love you!

if he didn't have anything to feel bad about, he wouldn't be mad.

he's obviously only told you this now to hurt you for some reason - 2 years???

Subz said...

*eep*

You've not said anything nasty and it's fine to chat about difficulties you've had. It's anonymous, as you've said, and anyone who knows you in 'real life' who reads this ... well it's fairly normal for those friends to have knowledge of each other's marriage/break-up problems anyway. That's life.

That said, anything I think would be too uncomfortable if my ex found my blog ... is 'friends only'. I dread him finding my blog. Or his new wife :S

Don't worry. I reckon you'll be able to calm his worries xxx

Lena said...

Gwen, you were the very first to welcome me on here. It only took a couple of added posts after that to find that you were one of the most sincere and caring persons I had ever met in Blogland. You helped kickstart a confidence in me for blogging.

There is NO reason why you shouldn't still keep in touch with mutual friends regardless of gender. My neighbours are male and female friends under the same roof. I hate how some obfuscate the facts in situations like this!

Frankly, he's the one who's been sneaky and evasive, you're just being your natural self. I'm just sorry that we didn't get the chance to meet back in November.

Matthew said...

Of course this blog is only one side of the story, one perspective - it's your side because it's your blog! That's all it can be, short of it being a joint writing project for Pete's sake!

If your ex wants to put another side out there, he's not short of forums that will give him the opportunity.

From what you have written, it doesn't look like you have anything to apologise for. He says he won't read again, so I think you should be yourself and say what you want.

Trust in yourself to continue being objective and considerate and offering a sense of balance in the stuff that you write....

That Girl39 said...

So sorry to hear he's made you feel bad for this... he really shouldn't as I've never picked up anything awful about him from the way you write. I also think not telling you he's reading it for two years is a bit sneaky... what was he doing.. just waiting for something really juicy to catch you out with?
You're entitled to a place of free expression so please don't stop writing here... I for one love your blog and think your an amazing person! x

Looking Fab in your forties said...

Its not like you are still with him and he feels offended and it is causing problems in the marriage, too bad I say. Like a wife searching through her husbands pockets may find something she doesn't really want to see, he did the same thing with your computer, cheeky sod!
To be honest, I would start up under another name, so that you feel he can't read anything you write incase you ever need to rant about him. You know all of us and can leave us all a comment where we can find you. Good Luck whatever you decide x

Rare Lesser Spotted said...

For what it's worth auntiegwen, I often think that we rule our lives with our head and don't listen to our heart often enough. The logical thing to do is not always the RIGHT thing to do. You may feel isolated and alone and of course you are not. You may want to hide all this and keep it to yourself and decide a plan to cope with the stress. There again, keeping in touch with friends, using the blog as a catharsis and those who have been there and got the t-shirt will help with practical advice. Whatever you do about raising the cash, as a basic, PLEASE go and see a financial advisor or someone who is a professional in terms of sorting out divorces - don't try to do it all yourself, be safe and secure.

You're clearly very concerned about this because the style of your blog has changed with this entry and that's your head talking for you.

I wish you every success (if that's the right word) in sorting this out and remember girl, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Do the RIGHT thing.

Rarelesserspotted.
X

DutchBitch said...

I think your personal space on the web should be a place to not have to hold back but I can understand your apprehension going through a divorce.

I think there is NO excuse for him logging into the PC in YOUR home (that is what it is now) and browsing around, though. That's invasion of privacy no matter how you look at it.

Sorry you are having to go through all of this. If you need to vent, just holler... Been there, like many of us ;)

Bec said...

Sorry, but I think your husband is right about reading your blog. It IS a very public domain. If I can read this in America without knowing you, then he can too. However, that said, you two have seriously grown apart. Divorce is not your only option sometimes - if this problem is only about your blog. Good luck to you. Love your blog.

indigo16 said...

I would feel sick to the bottom of my boots.
Emin has hacked into my hotmail account and really caused havoc on a couple of occasions. I came clean to him about my blog because I felt it was a ticking time bomb. Strangley he was not interested, his rules were to place no photos of Leyla on it and Flickr.
I would however feel worse if my family found it, again the girls know of it but think my life is way too dull to be bothered.
Far more exciting to them was the discovery of their fathers facebook page!
You will find it very hard to write anything without the taint of him reading it, where you go from here I know not, but I feel your pain.

lisaq said...

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry. My ex found mine over a year ago and I went in to immediate panic mode. I discovered my mom reading 20-forty after a post where not so flattering things were said about her. I definitely feel your pain. Though I have blocked my ex (which thanks to WordPress I can do), I haven't had the heart to block my mom as that would cause me to feel I need to explain it to her. I know exactly what you mean when you say you wonder if you'll have to censor what you write. I feel the same way about my mom. It was the one place I could say anything and now I have lost that. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you, but I certainly can empathize. Email me if you need me love.

what happened ?how did i get HERE? said...

Nosey bugger! Keep blogging my dear....he is obviously feeling snippy about how your life is going on now....and a guilty conscience I'll be bound as he was the one who did the leaving....and I've not idea about how can you raise the 50K other than, as I did, take on a bigger morgage....every time my fekkin ex turns up in his latest snazzy (and slightly too young..meow..) gear I think about that fekkin standing order that goes out of my very overdrawn account every month..grrrrr!!And he still lives with his Da...feck knows what he did with MY 30k!!! Keep strong and KEEP US POSTED!! M xxx

Mud in the City said...

Ouch! Hideous surprise and feeling of violation. You are not in the wrong and he has to come to terms with that.
xx

TOM FOOLERY said...

Bugger! Bugger! Bugger! Sweetheart, I'm mighty gutted for you. Please do try to keep blogging maybe as suggested make it a private blog (but only if you want to). I'm going to miss your lovely wit.

Right, I'm going to mull over this £50K issue and email you. STAY STRONG- you're one in a million.

Love TFxx

Laura said...

You shouldn't have to censor your blog after all i bet he doesn't censor himself with his friends. I can't imagine a world without my auntie G in it. so don't give it up or i promise i will send round the flying mokey's.

Madame DeFarge said...

There's little that I can add to what others have said, probably with far more experience than I have of such matters. However, his humptiness appears to be a continuation of what's going on/gone on between you. If he was that unhappy over the past two years, surely he would have said something sooner.

I wouldn't censor what you write. His curiousity will mean that he will still read it regardless, and will also read these comments. I wonder what he'll make of them.

Andrea said...

Just found your blog and agree with some of the other comments. Write what you feel, I do, though will always think of how the children would feel if they read stuff about Dad that might upset them.
I know I don't know you but I just wanted to say good luck with the whole divorce thing, I've done it twice and although horrid at the time (the second one was horrific) i'm a better, stronger person for it.
Look after yourself.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Auntie, It's a toughie isn't it? Maybe lay low until the divorce is through. How long will it take? Could he use it as ammunition in any way?? If not then keep blogging. So he reads it. He knows more about you than you like, but what's not to like? You are funny and gorgeous and speak so lovingly about your children. He can't deny that.... The reason I am anonymous is so that I can write about what I like, rant, moan about stuff in the knowledge that only two people know I blog. Good luck with everything. Stay strong xx

Gigi said...

If I'm reading this right he was in YOUR house reading your blog?? Yes, it is public domain BUT only if he found it from HIS house; not yours.

Don't censor yourself - tell him he was snooping and to (as my son would say) "suck it up, buttercup!" Total invasion of privacy and I would be seriously angry about that.

Not Waving but Drowning said...

If he is still reading it, this is for him, "$od off and write your own version of events"

GG

Sass E-mum said...

Sue mentioned this dilemma to me and I had to call by to add my sympathies.

The great thing about people who behave badly (snooping through other people's computers and stalking their blog, indeed) is that it gives you complete liberty to ignore them. He has a poor moral compass. What's more, he seems to be trying to assert some control over your actions.

Pity the fool.

Good luck with that £50k. Sounds like a mortgage job to me - though perhaps you should also try and ad in Private Eye. I'd love to know if they ever work.