A good heart these days, is hard to find

Last week I spend a huge amount of time and care writing about my friend. I'm only sorry you can't see it for twas ace (for writing that I do, not for proper writers obv). I was writing a profile for her to put on a dating site and I can assure you even I wanted to date her after reading it, she has been overwhelmed at the response it has had.
She was spurred on to do this by someone else we know meeting a fantastic guy and being blissfully loved up, I now know several couples who've met via t'internets and they all seem pretty happy. As my (blissfully happy with new man) friend said to me "Prince Charming won't drop out of a clear blue sky or arrive at your door in a taxi, you have to work at finding him" I didn't care for her tone, quite frankly.

And why can't Prince Charming arrive at my door in a taxi, that seems like a fairly good proposition to a lazy article like me.

So after a very witty and charming description of my very witty and charming friend we had to think about what she wanted in a man and from a relationship, she seems very open to most things and quite low in expectations.

Unlike her pal.


Unfortunately, I can only conclude that I am WAY fussier than any normal human and I'm getting even fussier all the time, my friends are very scathing about it.

A long time ago I did a fantasy new man list about what I wanted in a new partner, you can read it HERE

Oh yes, a tremendously long and detailed list of what I wanted, now I am ashamed to say I probably still want most of those things but it has been joined in unholy matrimony by the list of things I don't want, just as detailed.

And you know that your auntie's going to share that list with you now, don't you?

What I don't want

Someone who's never had children, even if they say they don't want any now, they may in the future change their mind - whilst that ship has not sailed for me, the captain of SS auntiegwen (and God bless all who sail in her) has pulled up the anchor and is steering that boat out of the harbour of weans onto the calm seas of nae weans. I am not returning to port, for anyone.

I don't want anyone with young children - my days of encyclopedic Postman Pat knowledge are thankfully receeding into what is left of my memory. I have no wish to be involved in the potty training/toddler taming/de lousing of anyone elses child. My dues have been well paid, this will be the only account I have credit in.

I don't want anyone with teenagers - thank you, I have 3 of my own, that's plenty.

I don't want anyone with grandchildren - I just can't, it would make me feel even older than I already do. And we all know I'm only a Per Una cardie away and I have already succumbed to the Cath.

I don't want anyone in a different decade to me, in your 40's only please

I just cannot do another IT consultant, management consultant or BMW driver, why oh why are they so attracted to me?

I am very sniffy about starsigns too - yes I agree, I am completely mental.

No smokers - I can cope with a sneaky smoke on a night out but not an everyday smoker. Yes, I did used to be a smoker, enough said.

No stupid music fans - they must have at least heard of 50% of what's on my ipod and go to at least 4 decent gigs per year.

They must not dress like an old man - fine line, won't cope with skinny jeans but can't be attracted to clothes for comfort (I know, me that lives in her fitflops, I didn't say this was in anyway rational or reciprocal)

I could go on but I'm sure you're getting the drift, fussy is the politest term for me, you may wish to add another of your own choosing.

There cannot be a man in the country who would tick all the boxes I now have, however if you have a mate, brother, colleague you think might fit the bill, send him to me, I'll pay the taxi...

Or if you're David Tennant, it's just a stupid list, come in, why yes, it is very hot in here, just take your clothes off...