Tan 90 Squared.

When I was 18 I couldn't wait to leave home, my legs were just a blur as they went through my parents front door and rushed me into my new life. I studied, I worked, I saved and by the time I was 21 had a mortgage, at 21 !!!!!!. Looking back I was so much more independent and grown up than the Eldest Beautiful Daughter.

My child has no desire whatsoever to leave home, not a notion. She is going to live in the Halls of Residence because I say she has to and I have filled in the forms myself as I know my child too well. Far too easy to leave it too late and miss the deadline.

The relationship we have is so different to the relationship I had with my own mother, I do love my mother but I was never close to her in the way my children and I are close. We talk, we laugh, we actively want to spend time together, we are compatible. We fit each other. I am truly, truly blessed, I genuinely enjoy all of my children's company. I won the parenting lottery because my kids are ace, no matter what happens to me in life, whatever sadness or shit stuff befalls us, we have the big love, we are the real deal. Tan 90 squared.

My house is an easy place to live, I don't have many rules, I haven't needed many. Friends are welcome anytime if they don't impact on anyone, it's big enough that you can find somewhere to make noise and not affect the rest of us. The cooking's a bit dodgy but it's clean and comfortable and it's happy. I don't say no for the sake of it, if I do refuse something I state my reasons and they have always been accepted without question. I am fair and I am consistent but the last word is always mine ( much to BBD chagrin.)

Maybe that's why my child doesn't have the desire to leave, I had little privacy at home, I wasn't allowed friends round never mind to stay over, I wouldn't be allowed to drink and my clothing was always criticised. My 18 year old daughter is a young adult, she drinks, she stays out late, she has a boyfriend and she wears what she likes, she can do that at home, without interference.

I am sending my child away, she truly would rather stay at home and commute the 45 miles each way, but I want her to have the experience of looking after herself and managing her own time, life and money. Because at home I tend to do it, I'll check the calendar, fill the fridge, do the laundry, drive and drop off and facilitate things for her, because I have to do it for the younger 2.

The thought of not seeing her every day is incredibly sad for me because I do love her and enjoy being with her, she's very funny and quick witted, both of us tend to look for a chance of a quip and it's just easy to be with her. But I am resolute, she has to move out to give her the experience of living without me.

Yesterday I was meant to be on a training course but it was cancelled but I'd arranged for the other 2 to be looked after all day anyway so she and I drove to Bicester and spent the easiest 8 hours together, we shopped, talked non stop and laughed so much. In the car I was telling her that as she was born 2 weeks too early she had to go have phototherapy for her jaundice, we were laughing about the babies going on a sunbed imagery and how even though the midwives were telling me to go back to bed and have a sleep, I wouldn't leave her on her own. I was in hospital for 3 days and every night I was offered for her to go in the nursery so I could sleep and I'd refuse and I could not leave her.

Then she said "Finally an explanation!"

You may move out darling girl but I will always be there, like our song says "Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear."