Friday 12 November 2010

Eleven things I would really like to say

This post contains writing of a rantie auntie nature. There is a lot of swearing in it, even for me. You've been warned.

PS - if you're new here, I am a self confessed passive aggressive with a bit of a martyr complex, I think things, seethe about things and then eventually blog about them. This post is a classic example. There is a whiff of self pity and a dose of the "Poor me's" about it too.

At your own risk.

To the repair garage when they phoned me yesterday
Give me back my fecking car.

I am extremely cross that you have had my car for 10 days now and it's only today you're telling me you're still waiting for paint. The missing part of the paintwork is less than the size of a 10p piece. I hate the Fiesta you have given me, with a passion, I am used to a high car, this is so low, it feels like my arse is on the floor. I start my new job on Monday and I will be doing lots of driving as I have a whole region to cover, I want to do it in my own car. Give me my car back now, you incompetent bunch of "finding wee jobs to do because it's an insurance claim" bastards.

To the insurance company

Would you give yourself peace

Phone calls, claim forms, drawing diagrams, questions that I can't answer - I have no idea how wide the road was, am I meant to go measure it? etc

To my beautiful parents
No, for the love of God, not two weeks

I love you, I do. I think we will all love each other a lot less if you come stay with me for 2 weeks at Christmas. I will have just started my new job and have limited holidays I can take. I am supposed to be working from home, this will be difficult when I have a house full of people. You will need driving around, entertaining and feeding, none of which are in my skill set. I wish to spend what time I have off in my jammies, mainlining Baileys and fruit and nut toblerones. Interspersed with naps. I do not want to be judged on how clean my house is (it won't be), how I only cook 1 meal a fortnight from scratch (I know I'm crap) and I really don't want my tee total mother looking at me like I'm on a slippery slope when I have a 2nd glass of wine with my Christmas dinner (I will need it)

To The Tax Office
Aw fur fucks sake, gimme a break

I understand that it is indeed, again, my fault, that I failed to enclose 1 sheet of my foreign tax return. Again, mea culpa. I am thinking of getting it tattooed on me. The missing sheet, as you so kindly pointed out, was one I didn't need to fill in anyway. So if I didn't need it and it makes no difference, could you just not have printed off one and stuck it in? Would that not have been quicker and kinder, for both of us?

To My Beautiful Eldest Daughter
Stop moaning about having no money and get a job

I understand that this week you have been in placement. I completely empathise that it is tiring to do a full day without a wee nap. I also note that this is the first full week you've put in for 2 years thanks to your study periods in your last 2 years at school. Most of us do this week in and week out. Without complaint (well, much complaint) However, you knew you needed a part time job over the summer holidays and in term time. You have known this for at least 6 months. You have not applied yourself to finding employment. If you showed the same level of enthusiasm as you do to new shoes or partaying, you'd be employed. I am keeping my end of the bargain by driving you back and forth to uni, doing your laundry and ironing and giving you £60 a week to live on so play fair.

To The Beautiful Son

Said through a megaphone. Right in your ear. I have to wake up at 6am to get you up for your paper round. 6am rises make me cranky. More cranky than usual. Personally, I don't need to wake up till 7.30am, on a Saturday I don't have to get up at all. When I get up at 6, I can't get back to sleep. This also makes me cranky. Is there a theme emerging? Set an alarm on one of the many electrical appliances I have provided for your enjoyment, your phone, your telly, your xbox or your ipod. Take your pick.

To my Beautiful Baby Daughter
Because I fecking well said so

I realise that you are 14 and full of fizzing hormones. I understand that you are trying to find your place within school, within your peer group and even within your family. I know you hate your life at present, you are 14, it comes with the spots. Please, for the love of God, do not question every single thing I ask you to do. I have one nerve left and you are tapdancing all over it. You will have to live with me for another 5 years, if you keep this level of confrontation up it will be the most miserable 5 years of my/your/our lives. And I am counting my chronically awful teenage years in that. And mine were fucking miserable.

To my solicitor
Stop with the letters

I understand you gave me an estimate of costs. I understand that we may go over it because my ex and I cannot agree on a financial settlement. But every time you write to me or call me or email me it costs me money. Please don't write to tell me we're still within the estimate or nearly over it.

To the exmrauntiegwens solicitor
Get a grip

Please remember I am a real person, with feelings, no matter what you have heard to the contrary. Please also try and inject a dose of reality into your propositions, the bandying of letters back and forth costs me (and him) money, money I definitely don't have.
When I read that "Mrs auntiegwen and her family frequently holiday at the property in Turkey and our client would be happy for them to purchase his share" I have to resist the urge to hoot with derisory laughter. Are you suggesting I ask The Beautiful Son for some of his paper round or ask Beautiful Baby Daughter to empty her piggy bank? My mortgage in England is, even with my new improved salary, ELEVEN times my annual salary, that's right, eleven. Now what bank is going to lend me thirteen times my salary to buy him out of the holiday home as well? The Bank of Make Believe? The Fairy Godmother of Divorcees Bank? The Bank of Stupid?

To the ex mrauntiegwen
You got me

This could be a whole post in itself. I don't want you to come to my house to see the children on Sunday, that day will be the day of our first date 25 years on. I don't want you there. I can barely bring myself to be civil to you.

I knew when we started negotiating money we wouldn't agree. It is extremely fair of you to give me all the equity in the mortgaged to the hilt house in England. It is also extremely generous of you to give me 60% of the house in Turkey, the one we have been trying and failing for the last 4 years to sell. I wish I had stuck to being "risk averse" as you called me and stopped myself becoming "asset rich, cash poor" but with you having the degree in Financial Services and all those years working in a bank, I took your financial advice.

I understand that legally once your children finish the school term that they are 18 your financial obligation ends.

Legally, not morally.

I understand that legally when your son turns 18 you can stop paying for him.

When that happens, I will be unable to pay the mortgage, because it is ELEVEN times my annual salary. I cannot do that on my own, if I live with someone or remarry before October 2015 the house will have to be sold anyway.

That's fine because as there is only 1 night in the week (Wednesday) that I do not have to drive and collect one of the children from an activity and as they only spend 2 Saturdays a month with you, it's extremely unlikely I would be able to meet and develop a meaningful relationship with anyone anyway. And on those 2 Saturdays a month, I most always have the elder of the children home from uni plus Hot Boy.

What this all means is your younger daughter, the one who is the most vulnerable and volatile of all, will have to move house in the first year of her A levels. I will be unable to afford another property in this area so she will have to leave here, where she has lived since she was 3 and move away from her friends. And that will be devastating for her.

Legally you can do this, you will give me the 10% of your salary the CSA says is fair and you have offered £150 per month spousal maintenance. But that will not mean she can stay in her home till she finishes her A levels. Legal but not moral.

You can explain it to her.

To God
Are you kidding me?

Whatever I did in my last life it must have been bad. I apologize unreservedly for the shit I must have been. Mea fucking culpa.


Autumn Mist said...

Blimey, if I were you, I'd want to run and jump of the nearest pier. (You don't live on the coast, do you?) I don't know how anyone is supposed to cope with all that lot going on. You've made me grateful for my lot, quiet though it may be!

Sueann said...

Divorce sucks and I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this crap. I hope things work out with out too much of a battle...fingers are crossed.
And to top it all a hormone ragging teen? Yikes!!!!!! My prayers for you.
I have a grand-daughter this age and OMG!!! Drama and more drama!! Hugging you for sure,

auntiegwen said...

AM - I've been really lucky in my life and still am really. Got 3 great healthy children and a new better paying job. The money will get sorted out but a wee bit rantie auntie helps me let off some steam :)

Sue Ann - apologies for the language, the money will get worked out. I'm sure if you read his side of it, he'd be saying I still have the house and I still use the holiday home etc, 2 sides to every story, this is just my moans, I'm sure he has plenty

Nota Bene said...

Feck...I'm hiding under the desk. But much, much synpathy and support for you/to you x

auntiegwen said...

NB - thank you, move over and make room for me, I think I'll hide here too for a bit

Looking for Blue Sky said...

I really feel for you and am also feeling sorry for myself this week with my ex not bothering to move our final settlement forward as he is happy to be paying no maintenance and also up to 90 about the worst Irish Budget ever due just before Christmas - very festive huh!

auntiegwen said...

LFBS - I just can't understand why people can do that to their children. I say up to 90 about things too, here's hoping it's the best it can be x

libby said...

Ah Gwen.....would getting drunk over here help at all?xxx

Laura said...

Awww! Aunite have a hug *hug*

Think of that naked DT pic you have. Do you feel better now? :o)

Rarelesserspotted said...

If you think it, you should say it and most of all you should mean it. That's what you do best - this is who you are - don't change it. Your dogged determination not to let people grind you down will allow you to win through in the end because you have the moral highground. You don't need sympathy, nor do you need patronising. You need support from your friends and those family you still have around you - if you get that, and I'm sure you will once they understand the full picture, it'll be alright on the night. Just don't forget to look after yourself - you need strength to be tough.
My thoughts and best wishes...

Gigi said...

Ahhhh - now doesn't that feel better getting all that off your chest? Now go pour yourself a drink and you'll feel even better!

Madame DeFarge said...

All I can offer are big hugs and hot chocolate (with marshamallows) in Derby or London. Not much use I know, but you're having a crap time and venting is always good. Take care xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Oh, I am so sorry for your troubles and I also think that you should say it all. The teenagers won't listen, but the adults might. And you will feel a lot better actually saying it to them. Then have a stiff drink.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs

Curry Queen said...

Absolutely brilliant and completely cathartic reading it, so God knows how good you must feel having got it all off your chest. I can completely relate to almost every point bar the divorce bits, but the Shah had better watch his back!

Taz said...

Oh auntiegwen there's nothing better than getting it all out eh? (((hugs))) I have all this financial crap to look forward to, to be honest that's why I've not actually even started divorce proceedings yet cos I know when we do the shit will start hitting the fan.

And your parents for two weeks! Ugh! If it helps to make you feel better I had my Mother for over 5 weeks last Xmas. Fecking snow!!! Thank god it's not my turn to have her this year. Woohoo!!

Autumn Mist said...

P.S. I have a little something for you on my blog, if you want to pop over sometime. It'll be on the post dated Friday 12th November.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Aw, BAGgie, I feel for you, I really do... I can't make it go away, or make it better, but I will do a little spell to make the ex-Mr Auntie Gwen's nadgers fall off... Is that okay?!

You're worth it!


Kitty said...

I'm right here, in solidarity, with you every bit of the way. At least the divorce bits, I completely understand and sympathise.
And thank you, that felt rather cathartic for me, as well!

Anonymous said...

As we've said before we are living the same life!! My ex hub was exactly the same...a real shit about the money. Even now I get the urge to throw up when I remember the shock of getting the solicitors letter setting out why he was divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour (6 seperate reasons as far as I can remember!) I too am morgaged up to my eyeballs - £125k - having paid him £30k to get his name off the house - MY HOUSE. Keep strong - I did and I take great pleasure in seeing his discomfort and regret every time he comes over to see the kids. KARMA I say. Love Mae xxx

Ayak said...

You have my sympathy. Been there, done that etc. It's not easy and sometimes you just can't see a way forward. Getting it all off your chest does help. I wish I had been blogging when I went through it all.

Troy said...

This posting came as a real shock to me as reading your previous blog postings I'd marvelled at your seemingly blissful and quite affluent lifestyle. Now reading this post I find myself marvelling even more at the amazing balancing act and sheer hard work you must be putting in that enables you to provide so well for your children. I send my sincere best wishes as you work your way through these challenges.
PS: I just can't get my head around an ELEVEN time mortgage.

Working Mum said...

Blimey, that was a list and a half! You needed to get that out or it would just eat you up. Hope you feel better for it.

Nickie O'Hara said...

I hear you, sister - especially with the teenage stuff!! Sorry you're having to go through everything else though :(

Sandi said...

Oh are telling my story regarding settlement, my solicitor walked away with almost as much as me at the end of settlement. I have to rent because I got screwed in settlement,can't afford to buy a home, can't get a lone, don't have a job and my money will run out in around 12 months. Mr ex #2 did the 'poor me' shit and got away with nearly all of it. He is an Architect and earns every three months more than I earn in two years (when I was working). I have children, his ex wife has the children. The solicitors take as much time as they can and do the phone calls etc to get as much money out of the deal as they can. I did a lot of the paperwork myself and still got stung by the solicitor.
I drove the kids somewhere 7 nights/days a week and worked full time, some nights eating dinner at 9.30 and dropping into bed to start all over again at 6am the next day. The solicitors don't have morals and don't care about the load a woman has and the less wages that can be earnt and don't take that into account and it seems neither do some ex husbands. He is building a huge house, has a unit in a resort and goodness only knows what now.
In saying all that, I am the happiest I have ever been, so yay to that.
That was my little whinge haha.
Big Hug today xx Sandi

mannanan said...

Oh dear..been there, done that and am still wearing the Tee shirt....Hope things improve. Stick in there and don't give up. Hope the new job went well. take care...

Chic Mama said...

Sorry. :0(

I think I'll just copy and paste your post and put it into that okay? ;) Our lives virtually mirror each other & I think my ex husband has convinced himself that by giving me the house he is being very generous....I don't want it, it is in fact a liability that I don't want.
Why do men do this?
Take care. x

Anonymous said...

Wow, venting is indeed good. Will the ex read this I wonder?

scrappysue said...

well, as rantie auntie posts go - that's a good one! i too, have a 14 year old daughter, so send youngest BD over - one more here won't make any diff to me. one more girl to ignore all my sage advice.....

auntiegwen said...

Libs - oh yes, getting drunk with you always helps, are we good for Sunday? xxx

Lolly - oh yes, you know how to deal with your auntie :)x

Steve - ah, my lovely Steve, you always absolutely get it/me :) thanks me love, I will indeed take you up on tea drinking soon xxx

Gigi - yep I feel shed loads better :)

Madame - I shall be most grateful for hot chocolate in either Derby or London, I am in both places just about most weeks

Alienne - oh I'm just having a whinge, I'm grand, really I am

CQ - oh no, don't divorce the Shah, think what he'd be wearing!!!

Taz - we've been apart 4 years and eventually I just had to do it. 5 weeks bloody hell, that's hard core daughtering! x

AM _ thanking you most kindly, I have been over and I hope I said thank you there but if I was remiss, thank you and thank you xx

Fhina - aw bless darling, you are so kind. I love the thought of spells, shall I make a list for you? xxx

Kitty - ah yes, lots of us going through it xxx

Mae - we so have the same life, will we swap houses for a bit, torment each others children? maybe we'd be more appreciated when we got back? xxx

Ayak - yep the blogging helps, ps still reading but still can't comment, keeping all things crossed for Mr Ayak and something turning up xx

Troy - I have a touch of the guilts now as everyone is being so nice to me. My ex husband is well paid and with the 20% child support I can do the mortgage but when it goes down I won't. I will just have to come up with a cunning plan. When we had that mortgage jointly it was about 3 times our income so it was fine then, it's just that I only earn fourpence and a caramel.

WM - oh always, very cathartic having a moan and getting it out

Nickie - ah yes the teenage terrors, never mind my mother always tells me the first 25 years are the worst :)

Sandi - aw feck, sure it happens the world over but I'm glad you're happy now though. That feeling of being happy in your own skin is priceless, big hugs back atcha xxxx

Mannananananananan - I never get tired of typing that and I sing the muppet theme tune at the same time, finish with de doo de doo do as well. I'm grand really, as always I just like to bump my gums about stuff, this is usually followed by feeling guilty as lovely people like your good self chip in to cheer me up when I probably need a good kick up the elkie

Chic - yep, the house is great if you can afford to keep it. Gin at your place or mine? xxx

Anon - not sure if he will, he says he doesn't read it anymore and he is genuinely a good bloke

Sue - ah yes, the ignoring of wisdom, common in teen girls the worl over :)

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