Tuesday 17 February 2009

Room 101 - the updated 2009 version

One of my very first posts was about my room 101. 2 years on I actually feel the same, glad to know my irrational prejudices are still simmering away, it's a comforting thought that some things remain the same in an ever changing world. This was my 2007 Room 101

Clarks Shoe Shop

Anything from the week before to the day before a new term starts, these shops are transformed into the 7th circle of hell. You arrive and take a ticket and wait for your number to be called, this can take anything up to an hour. Meanwhile the place is full of pissed off parents and bored, fidgety and sometimes screaming children. Eventually your turn comes and your child is taken to the machine to have their feet measured. When the assistant asks your child which shoes they would like you resist the urge to throw back your head and cackle like a maniac, as you know from bitter experience that at best they will only have 1 pair of shoes in the whole feckin shop which will fit your child's feet. Sod's law dictates that your child will hate the only shoes they have and will strunt, strop and sometimes cry, you will feel like doing likewise. Because I am an unorganised Mummy I have left it to the day before term starts and know that my child will have to have these shoes as bare feet at the start of term will involve social services, so cajole and bribe child to accept their fate. Repeat this experience for each child you possess (3 in my case) and the highlight of the day will be when you get to hand over usually over £100 in my case but still feel like a cheapskate when you don't buy the polish, protector and fur lined box to store them in. I get to do this 4 times per year, this is why it is no 1

Swimming Lessons

The years of my life I have wasted sitting at the side of an overchlorinated overheated pool whilst waiting for 1 of my offspring to reach level bloody 12. You also have the delights of chit chatting to another Mummy waiting for her child and the only thing you will have in common will be your child's ability or lack of in the swimming department. Other mummies are often weird.You can substitute any kind of lesson for this , I have done several over the years, ballet, tap, football, rugby, gymnastics, athletics, rainbows, brownies, beavers and cubs to name but a few. My child's interest in new activities/clubs etc is directly proportionate to how long I take to buy all the kit and write the cheque for the term of lessons. As soon as that is done so is their interest, mine are ferocious joiners but have no staying power.

People who attempt to mimic my accent

I have been blessed and was born Scottish, I love the accent. I hate hate hate when people who on hearing me speak for the first time feel compelled to say something like och aye the noo or some other such drivel. This makes me want to physically hurt them and after living in England for 7 years I am now incredibly bored with this and I will retaliate, you have been warned.

Guardian readers

Never ever met 1 I liked. Especially ones with non useful degrees and who always eat organic food. Enough said

2009 update

Clarks shoe shops don't hold the same terror factor as my nearly 17 year old doesn't wear school shoes anymore, my 13 year old son still does but only gets slip ons as he's too feckin lazy to tie his laces but the real kicker is trying to persuade my 12 year old that she still has to have proper school shoes, she no likey, she likey stupid shoes fron New Look and other gawd awful shops. BBD is the child that is most difficult to persuade into anything but time is passing, in a few years she will leave middle school and there is no dress code at our high school, just the rest of year 7 and years 8 and 9 to go then that's only 10 more visits to Clarks and I can retire as a mummy shoe shopper.
Surely the Queen will be giving me a medal for efforts in making sure my offspring had the correct width and length fitting shoes at considerable expense from 1993? That will be an 18 year child shoe shopping career, think of the Manolo's and Choo's I could have had, do my children care about my sacrifice ? not a jot ! Ungrateful lot of weans with perfectly formed feet that they are.

My swimming lesson days are over, Glory be to God in the Highest, BBD reached level bloody 12 and I'm done now. In the 2 years since I wrote this, BBD has taken up and stopped cornet lessons and is currently thinking of quitting drama. EBD has given up drama but she better start it back again if she's thinking about a drama degree they might want to see a bit more than AS/A level Theatre Studies as the sum total of her commitment. TBS is still with rugby and electric guitar lessons so maybe my son can see something through to the end.

I still get annoyed by people who try to do a Scottish accent. Add to that the person (you know who you are and you should hang your head in shame) who takes great pleasure in calling any Scottish person who achieves anything as British but if they do anything bad they call them Scottish, Andy Murray is always British when he wins.

Guardian readers, yep they still annoy me but I have added to that Daily Mail readers, they epitomise to me all that's wrong with this country.

Would you like a new one ?

Airlines that charge you £20 for paying for your flights (debit or credit card, Ryanair, you are a bunch of robbing B****rds, it's not like you have a nice wee branch in my local high street where I can pop in and pay cash or an address where I can send a cheque to. And you have to get up at crack of sparrows to get your flight at stupid o clock too.

Okay, I'm done now ranty auntie has left the building !


Anonymous said...

I'm relieved that I never had to go through your hellish school shoe shopping experience as we, of course, do not have school uniforms or dress codes such as you do. I'm pretty sure you have earned sainthood girl. St. Auntie Gwen. Has a nice ring no?

DAB said...

Holy Moses!

BTW I read the Guardian! Hang on to your knickers woman I'm only joking :) St Auntiegwen. Does have a ring to it methinks. Saint of Shoes, Swimming and Scotland (sorry St Andrew, move over you've competition) TFx

Mean Mom said...

What a great rant! I have size 2 1/2 feet, so I often have to go into Clarks to buy shoes for myself. Then, they often don't have any which fit me properly. I try to choose quiet times, but there has been the odd occasion when I've had to take my ticket and queue up with other people's children!

What a relief that I don't read and never have read the Guardian! I can't do accents, so I don't bother to try!

I did fly with Ryanair, once and I'm in no hurry to do so again, but suspect I will have to, at some point!

Squirmy Popple said...

Ryanair ARE a bunch of bastards. And yet I fly with them anyway...

Anonymous said...

I'll add:

Dawdlers: if you want to walk that slowly or in a gigantic gaggle then walk at the side of the pavement and GET OUT OF MY WAY! (patience not being a strong point)

Poor tube/escalator etiquette: it isn't rocket science - Move Down the Carriage! (living in London isn't good for you)

Supermarkets stocking random gibberish and not Real Food: If I want a cardigan Mr Sainsbury, I won't come to you. I came to you to buy baking paper and you no longer stock it as you made room for ugly clothes!!

OK - I'll stop now....


auntiegwen said...

Lisa - I must say I kinda like the uniform otherwise my kids would go out looking like the tinkers dog ! they have their own style you see

TF - ah but you must have a non useful degree and always eat organic to get in addition to reading it to get put in

MM - you're very delicate aren't you pet ? weeny little feet, I bet that's tricky though

Katie - yep, ryanair are a bunch of b'stards

Mud - a woman after my own heart, I have no patience at all and have never lived in London, imagine how bad I'd be if I did ?

Laura said...

Damn Daily mail readers! They always seem angry.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

I hate call centres.

1) I hate people from call centres that call me to sell me shite when I am on an exclusion list banning them from doing that.

2) I hate families that talk so loudly that they think we all need to hear what they have to say - these eejits usually follow me around supermarkets so I go to the end and shop backwards through the aisles to get away from them.

3) I hate people that are always late when you arrange to meet them - they seem to think that their time is much more important than yours. I tell them to meet me an hour before they are due and they get there on time. Otherwise, if they are consistently more than ten minutes late I leave and let them sit there - they are usually dumped as mates a short while thereafter.

4) I hate cell phone wallers that shout into their bloody phones on trains when you are sitting in the same carriage as them. I would happily feck their phone out the window if I could lay my hands on it.

I could go on but I might just do a post on this one day!

Life eh? Can be great can be a bummer! X

Working Mum said...

OMG! You've preempted my next post - Bloody Clark's Shoe Shops!!

What do you do with a child with an F fitting but narrow ankles? You spend your half term trying on every pair of school shoes in every Clark's shop in the Greater Manchester area and then you scream - very loudly!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

hmmm, clarkes shoe shops...I too have done the walk of shame on the last day of the hols, having lied to ex-hub (who foolishly gave this bad mummy cash (!) at the start of the hols to buy said shoes, and who spent cash on ...well not shoes ..) about having everything organised..and don't get me started on fekkin stationery stuff - we have zillions of rubbers, pencils etc, but none is ever to hand when they need it. And...my 9 year old has a pencil case fetish that would give those wans from sex in the city with their shoe obsession a run for their money....and IF ANOTHER FECKER JOKINGLY REFERS TO OBAMA AS O'BAMA IN A FAUX OIRISH ACCENT WHEN HEARING MY DULCIT DUBLIN TONES...I'LL FEKKIN LAMP THEM..!

auntiegwen said...

Lolly - they personify to me a very narrow viewpoint of middle England

Mobs - I will try very very hard to be on time for you, I get lost a lot ! but I agree, it's rude to be late, I always manage to get to work or to the airport on time so should manage it for friends

WM - ah yes, the joy of a child with non standard size feet, EBD very narrow, TBS very broad, I remember it well, only another decade to go for you !

M - I'll see you and raise you, BBD is the pencil case and stationary queen, we have a house full of them but keep buying more. Totally with you on the accents, I get asked all the time if I'm Irish, do you get asked if you're Scottish ? Not that I mind, my mammy's Irish and I probably have an Irish turn of phrase, Celtic through and through and very proud x

A Woman Of No Importance said...

With you wholly on the Daily Mail readers, Gwennie, and thankfully we are finished with Clarks'! It was horrific - Perhaps your badge from the Queen will be a replica of Clarks' foot measuring machine?

auntiegwen said...

Fhina - I'm not quite finished with Clarks, in fact I have to go tomorrow as Beautiful Baby Daughter needs school shoes !!!!