Sunday, 3 May 2009

A Beginner's Guide to Essex and Daawn Saarf




On Friday night NB took me to see Doves at the Brixton Academy, because he is a lovely, lovely man. I'm not sure how NB's son felt about taking a middle aged auntie out on his birthday treat but he is a gorgeous and polite boy and I loved him.

The South is a strange place to me, it may be to you yourself, have some handy hints from your auntie, they may help you prepare.

It is the law that if you live in Essex you either have to be blonde, orange or have fake nails, it's better if you have all 3, they give you a discount on your council tax if you do. I truly saw a black man with a blonde mohawk, I am not making that bit up.

It can take a ferocious amount of time to drive anywhere, it took us 90 minutes to go 12 miles. This is not uncommon, apparently, this is why many people in London are grumpy or stone mad or both. There is a lot of beeping, an awful lot.

If you drive a BMW you are exempt from any traffic laws or codes of common courtesy that others may follow. You can be even more cavalier with the rules of the road if you drive a soft top BMW. There will be no raising of eyebrows or smart arse remarks from me about the men who drive these cars because NB is my friend, a lovely, lovely man and I want him to ditch Chloe's mum and take me to Kings of Leon, I am his proper friend.

You can't leave a soft top BMW in Brixton. You have to drive for an hour and a half, park in a safe place and then get 3 tubes to get there. This may account for the people being grumpy and stone mad as in point 2.

People in Essex judge you on how expensive your car is and how bling you are, don't think it works the same in Edinburgh, it doesn't, we don't do that, millionaires drive beaten up old Volvo estates and buy clothes from charity shops. This may be why they have money.

London was fantastic and I was overgiddy with delight to see The Gherkin and Tower Bridge, I actually did ooh noises and I believe I may have clapped my hands excitedly in the manner of a small child who's had too much sugar.

Doves were amazing and the Brixton Academy was my kind of venue, I loved it. It has so much character and it made me miss the Glasgow Apollo RIP.

Middle aged bald men can and will dance, some of them will even take their (middle aged) stripey shirts off to do it. Fair play to them, sure where's the harm ?

8 comments:

Shirley said...

Sorry, I got sidetracked watching the drummer and forgot to read. So I suppose you're bump back to reality?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Oh I love London - I lived there for 12 years and still miss it. Vibrant and cultural and cosmopolitan and superb on a sunny day. I know Brxton well too. Your post has made me certain that I am going to have a weekend down there soon. Glad you had a good time Auntie. X

Laura said...

Thanks for posting the Vid, now I know who the heck they are.... and their really good lol

I love London too. Is Brixton not a bit of a scary place at night?

p.s Black guy, blonde hair = Wesley snipes in Demolition man lol.

Penelope said...

Ha! I feel like that about London and I only live a 45 min drive away!
Glad you had a super time!
Now when are you braving the Sarrrf again to come and see me? ;o) xx

lisaq said...

Haha...I love, love, love reading your descriptions! Sounds like a perfectly lovely time!

TOM FOOLERY said...

Strange that but I always thought Essex was in the Midlands ;-) I know, I know TF has no sense (of direction) Glad you had a great gid :) TFx

Milla said...

love Doves! how fab. But, surely, you can't have made it to 40fecking1 without learning the BMW rule before. Amateur!

what happened ?how did i get HERE? said...

You are spot on about Essex....My lovely man has a house there and I have spent many weekends being the only non - straightened (curly horrors!) brown haired(double horrors!!) non orange skinned(triple dipple horors!!!) person over 40...in clothes that cover most of my non surgically enhanced chest, and jeans that didn't cost £150.... !!! And that's just the men ha ha...Apologies to all those Essex girls who do not conform to that stereotype, but you are few and far between I'm afraid. Th further east you go the blonder and oranger (?) both sexes get. Fact.