Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Pollyanna has left the building.
As a person I would say I used to be very pessimistic, a bit like expect the worst and then anything else is an upgrade. Very much a glass half empty kinda gal. I was brought up that way. One of my Grandma's favourite sayings was "She that expecteth nothing can never be disappointed"
When I was married I always had a worry list, I felt that if I was worrying about lots of little things God wouldn't give me a big feck off disaster to deal with. I had an omnipresent list of worries and looking back they were so trivial, something that occupied my mind a fair amount was why my shower doors had water marks on, I asked everyone what they used and tried the lot, no I can't imagine why my husband got bored either. I also worried about the children to a near Olympic standard, their safety, their health, their social skills, their education, their diet, nothing was too trivial for me not to have on my list.
Did I ever feel content ? Not really... there always seemed to be something just out of reach that would make me happy, I never seemed to just enjoy what I had, it was always a case of if.
Then I had 2006, my annus horribilis, when my marriage ended in the summer I went into survival mode and in Jan 2007 I started my blog, it's great for me to read back and see how I'm changing and adapting to my new life. I think I have become so much more optimistic and hopeful, I seemed to be able to see the positives in situations where before I'd always have seen the negatives.
Yet I feel now I am tending back towards the negatives, pondering on what I don't have rather than appreciating what I do have. Maybe that is my inherent personality and I am just reverting to type but I liked the sunny, optimistic version of me better. Is it human nature to dwell on what we don't have rather than appreciate what we do ?
I have 3 beautiful and healthy children and a fantastic relationship with them, we are much closer now than we were before, I have my health, I have a home to live in and I have friends. I am really and truly grateful for them, may that never change.
I seem to have lost my sense of purpose, I'm leaving teaching at the end of this academic year but I don't seem to have the inclination to forge out a new career path, I simply have no clue as to what I will do in September but I know I don't want to teach, yet I used to love it. You'd think the thought of being unemployed and unable to pay the mortgage would be a fantastic motivator but nope, searching and applying for jobs just isn't happening.
I'm missing being part of a couple, that feeling of being loved and supported isn't in my life and I want it. I was happy just me and the kids but I'm not anymore. I feel this pang when I see couples together. I hate this notion that I need a man to make me happy, I am generally happy but my brain seems hardwired to the idea of coupledom. I've had 2 significant relationships in the last 3 years and I feel so badly about the way they ended.
I'm wondering if I'll ever be lucky enough to have another or have I used all my love up ?