Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Pollyanna has left the building.




As a person I would say I used to be very pessimistic, a bit like expect the worst and then anything else is an upgrade. Very much a glass half empty kinda gal. I was brought up that way. One of my Grandma's favourite sayings was "She that expecteth nothing can never be disappointed"

When I was married I always had a worry list, I felt that if I was worrying about lots of little things God wouldn't give me a big feck off disaster to deal with. I had an omnipresent list of worries and looking back they were so trivial, something that occupied my mind a fair amount was why my shower doors had water marks on, I asked everyone what they used and tried the lot, no I can't imagine why my husband got bored either. I also worried about the children to a near Olympic standard, their safety, their health, their social skills, their education, their diet, nothing was too trivial for me not to have on my list.

Did I ever feel content ? Not really... there always seemed to be something just out of reach that would make me happy, I never seemed to just enjoy what I had, it was always a case of if.

Then I had 2006, my annus horribilis, when my marriage ended in the summer I went into survival mode and in Jan 2007 I started my blog, it's great for me to read back and see how I'm changing and adapting to my new life. I think I have become so much more optimistic and hopeful, I seemed to be able to see the positives in situations where before I'd always have seen the negatives.

Yet I feel now I am tending back towards the negatives, pondering on what I don't have rather than appreciating what I do have. Maybe that is my inherent personality and I am just reverting to type but I liked the sunny, optimistic version of me better. Is it human nature to dwell on what we don't have rather than appreciate what we do ?

I have 3 beautiful and healthy children and a fantastic relationship with them, we are much closer now than we were before, I have my health, I have a home to live in and I have friends. I am really and truly grateful for them, may that never change.

But

I seem to have lost my sense of purpose, I'm leaving teaching at the end of this academic year but I don't seem to have the inclination to forge out a new career path, I simply have no clue as to what I will do in September but I know I don't want to teach, yet I used to love it. You'd think the thought of being unemployed and unable to pay the mortgage would be a fantastic motivator but nope, searching and applying for jobs just isn't happening.

I'm missing being part of a couple, that feeling of being loved and supported isn't in my life and I want it. I was happy just me and the kids but I'm not anymore. I feel this pang when I see couples together. I hate this notion that I need a man to make me happy, I am generally happy but my brain seems hardwired to the idea of coupledom. I've had 2 significant relationships in the last 3 years and I feel so badly about the way they ended.

I'm wondering if I'll ever be lucky enough to have another or have I used all my love up ?

16 comments:

Mud in the City said...

Love can never be all used up - but I do know what you mean. Whilst the lack of a safety net can be exciting in a 'I'm free to do anything!' kind of a way, it can also leave you feeling adrift.

Seeing smug couples here there and everywhere doesn't help either!

Chin up. Summer's here and opportunities are just around the corner.
xx

TOM FOOLERY said...

Right Missy,

Stop this negative talk right now DO YOU HEAR ME. No? (Well that's probably because I've a sore throat!) You've just reached a cross roads m'dear. Now take stock, stop and pause at the STOP sign. Take a deep breath and head in another direction. Once chosen GO straight forward. You're an intellegent, bright tough cookie m'dear. Enjoy the ride and I'm sure Mr Right will come along he has seen the light. So keep flashing ! :)

Good luck and keep us posted Sweetie :) TFxx

Penelope said...

You have NOT used all of your love up! That's bollocks! Don't make me drive up there and smack you - I know where you live! (Actually I'll be there in a heartbeat if you need me - and you know it!)
Oh sweetheart it's not all doom and gloom. It's just a rough patch. God knows, you've got through worse and you are a strong woman!
You know where I am, anytime! *Big hugs* xxx

Dusty Spider said...

Don't worry. Nobody runs out of love. When you find the right person you'll know it's true. You're too lovely a person to be alone for long. Stay positive. Flick xx

Nota Bene said...

Poor Auntie Gwen...you sound so glum. Don't be glum, it ill becomes you!

Subz said...

I feel for you. Divorce leaves a scar I think x

indigo16 said...

I am shocked that you are leaving teaching. Have you thought about going younger? I once toyed with the idea of teaching in a prep school! I have decided to stay put and milk the budget instead.
I find being in a relationship very very hard work, so many bloody compromises I know my life would be calmer and quieter on my own and yet...I persevere.
All I can say is that maybe a career change will shake up your love life maybe it is fate, but in the meantime once you relax and enjoy yourself I feel sure love will follow. See I just can't stop lecturing!

Shirley said...

I think there's something to the notion of "mid-life crisis". An' it ain't jist fer men, neither! I'd say more, but my kids will probably read it so . . .

scrappysue said...

luck has nothing to do with it. my hubs isn't working right now, and he's enjoying just pottering about. maybe that's what you need to do to? your path will present itself, i'm sure.

maybe u need to move to a more upbeat country - sounds like the uk is bringin' ya down!!!

my video is watchable now - nothing techni you weren't doin AG!!!

lisaq said...

First of all, I truly believe that love is a renewable resource. It seems to replenish itself...many times when we least expect it. I think we will both find what we are looking for...eventually.

I can totally relate to your leaving teaching. Lately, I'm feeling the same way. I used to love going to work every day & now I have to force myself to go. In many ways, you are so much braver than I am. I don't feel as if I can leave unless some bigger and better is within my grasp first.

We will survive my friend. And we'll smile while we do it. Even though it's harder than hell to remain positive, it's well worth the effort.

Eddie 2-Sox said...

Don't be jealous. Every "smug, happy couple" is just a few months from jealousy, insecurity and breaking up.

That's life these days.

Embrace your independence. Use and abuse the men (or women, whatever) in your life.

There's no such thing as "forever" any more.

scrappysue said...

we're supposed to be positive eddie!!! uniting over misery probably isn't the order of the day here

Working mum said...

Well, Eddie's depressed me as well and I was feeling fairly upbeat! Scrappy Sue's right - maybe you need to just drift for a bit to find what you want to do. Teaching doesn't give you much time for thinking about anything else!

And love will happen - you have to squeeze a lot of melons to find a ripe one!

Laura said...

Love can never run out!!

auntiegwen said...

Mud - yep, things seem better when the sun's shining, thanks x

TF - thanks for the pep talk x

Penelope - I think a wee visit to you is in order x

Flick - thank you, truly I'm not as nice as you all believe, I'm just human like us all, plenty faults but easy to hide them on a blog x

NB - thanks, your text was very cheering

Subz - I'm sometimes more fragile than even I realise x

Alison - it's the classic case of the grass is always greener, I've been restless for a good while but slightly lost my zest at the mo

Shirley -prob a mid life, I keep thinking is this it ?

Sue - I wonder if a big move is what I need ? I think I'd love a new country

Lisa - I hope so too x

Eddie - I still think there is, maybe a little bit of Pollyanna remains

WM - that made me giggle, imagining walking up to a man and squeezing his melons, ripe or otherwise !

Lolly - I know that really, was just a down day x

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Aw, no Gwennie - Why are you leaving teaching, when there are all kinds of shortages, aren't there - And you are so good at it??! Are there no specialist jobs in the council you could go for - Behavioural Specialists/Early Years Specialists - All that kind of thing?

And have you thought about Children's Centres? They've all got to have graduate professionals in them by 2010 - So they'll be getting to need lots of skilled folk to direct Early Learning?

You are so positive, so beautiful, Gwennie! Don't get low, please... And many of my (really bonny) friends managed to find good, I mean good, husbands through Dateline if you're really that set on finding someone serious...

Just some thoughts - Best of luck, bloggy bud! x