Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Dearest Birthday Fairy

On Thursday I will be 44. This is a huge shock to me, I never signed up to be middle aged, I was one of those live fast die young types. I can't bear to think of myself as a grown up sensible sort, I look at my friends/women in my book group/colleagues and in my head (I agree it might only be in there)and think I'm so not like them.

I am probably heading that way. Instead of my usual fantasies about David Tennant, Chanel handbags, Christian Louboutains and fruit and nut toblerones, would you like to hear my current obsession?

Porn alert


I want a new kitchen. Actually I want to knock down the wall between my kitchen and dining room and have a huge open space. I want cream shaker units with silver bar handles. I want a Smeg fridge in pastel green, I want shed loads of Cath Kidston in ice cream colours and a retro radio on my window ledge. I want a beautiful space to heat up oven chips in. I don't want to cook in it, gracious me no, I just want a nice place to do my laundry in, and drink my coffee in.

Yes, I agree, I am truly, truly sad.

And middle aged.

However if the Birthday Fairy is reading this and would like to grant me a few birthday wishes (and I accept that 44 birthday wishes is excessive) I would be very grateful for

Peace of mind.

Nothing else, just genuine contentment and being happy with my lot. I have it often but it's not here at the moment. My worry list is long and my blessings list remains constant but I can't balance them up. I'm in a fairly horrible place at the moment and I don't like it. I feel I'm being emotionally manipulated and I'm as mad as hell at myself for allowing it to happen. I want the drama to stop and I want to be happy.

That's all I ever really wanted.

31 comments:

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Happy Birthday auntiegwen! I could have written this post myself, well maybe apart from the Cath Kidson bit, and I'd probably have the Smeg in a different colour....

I hope the birthday fairy grants you peace of mind - it would be up there on my list as well xx

libby said...

Ah the elusive peace of mind request...Gwennie, as we have children I don't think we will ever have that..but for you personally I just know good times are around the corner xxx
ps where are you on the glorious 12th?

Tuppence said...

Happy birthday for Thursday. You're not the only one with kitchen fantasies you know - I lust after an AGA. Bearing in mind the fact that I rent a tiny little house and couldn't afford to buy a rabbit hutch on my salary I think that is going to stay just a fantasy, but hey at least our dreams cost nothing! I shall keep looking at my house porn (Country Living magazine - ooh look at the AGA, the woodburner, the Shaker units, the summerhouse etc) and daydreaming.

Anyway, they're just things and I'm lucky enough to have all the important stuff instead: family, friends, health, happiness.

I hope the birthday fairy brings back your sense of contentment and banishes the drama and emotional manipulation.

Have a wonderful birthday!

T
x

auntiegwen said...

LFBS - I'm not greedy, I'd take a baby pink one ... xx

Libby - I hope so xx I'll be here for my birthday with the 2 oldest children, BBD still in Scotland with my mum and dad xx

T - thanks duckie, I hope one day you get your aga xx

Ayak said...

I wouldn't mind being 44 again..it's still pretty young..well it is when you're as old as I am.

I'm not sure peace of mind and total happiness is ever achievable. In my experience it isn't...and I'm also in a bad place right now...so maybe I'm not the best one to cheer you up.

BUT when I am in more sensible mode..most of the time fortunately..I find myself being thankful for small things and settling for what I have.

Sounds to me like you need to spoil yourself, and a birthday is a good enough excuse. Hugs ((x))

auntiegwen said...

Ayak - I'm usually pretty good at being happy with my lot, just finding that more difficult than usual. I hope we both cheer up soon xxx

Tom Foolery said...

Happy Birthday to you for Thursday. Can I share that bag of peace of mind with you, say like sharing a sherbet dip?

44 candles to blow out! . Huff and puff ;-)

auntiegwen said...

Tf - if we find some we can share it and big deep breath and help me blow the candles xx

Gigi said...

Happy Birthday Auntie Gwen! Ah, that elusive peace of mind - it comes and goes, doesn't it? Here's hoping it swings back around to you.

auntiegwen said...

Gigi - yep, I could do with some for a while, here's hoping you get some too x

jazzygal said...

happy Birthday to you AuntyGwen. You are a few years behind me...good to know there's people older than you in this blogspere!

I do hope the Birthday fairy grants you what is a very simple wish ...
*sprinklessomefairydust* :-)

x jazzy

slommler said...

Well Happy Birthday hun! I hope you have a fabulous celebration that lasts for weeks!! Oh, and lots of presents!!
I hope the fairy brings you that peace of mind. Nothing worse than drama in ones life. It is so disruptive and it is usually caused by one selfish person. Hope the drama ends and soon!!
I have four teenage granddaughters...talk about drama. Oh my God!!!!! Just saying...!!
Hugs
SueAnn

auntiegwen said...

jazzygal - fairy dust always welcome xx

SueAnn - indeed so much drama from just 1 person who may be being selfish or just plain thoughtless, yep 4 grandaughters is true drama xx

Velveteen Rabbit said...

Oh gwennie!! I had a hideous birthday this year :-/ but actually quite enjoyed all the fuss! sadly no one noticed the request for Peace of Mind, Contentment and A Brand New Heart on my birthday gift list....but I did get the Chanel, Pandora and ipod...we have to be grateful for small mercys...

I wish you a lovely day and hope my words bring a little warmth as yours do when I read them on my blog xx VR x

pinklea said...

Peace of mind might be a lofty birthday wish, but maybe a new kitchen is much more attainable. I could use a new one myself, and have in fact started, but that whole money issue has stalled the process. Enjoy your birthday anyway!

Muddling Along Mummy said...

That kitchen sounds lovely ...

Hope that the birthday fairy delivers peace of mind and lovely birthday

Laura said...

judging by your ideal kitchen and appliances, your not turning middle aged your turning into Doris Day!

auntiegwen said...

VR - Chanel helps but the heart/mind thing is the top trump, isn't it? Thanks for your kind words, my dear, they do help xxx

Pinklea - I have a cunning plan as I can't afford a new kitchen either, feel free to copy

Mam - that's where middle age takes you, getting all excited over an imaginary kitchen, new depths even for me!

Lolly - you're SO right, I do want to be Doris Day, in a movie, ps how restrained were we not to buy and Cath Kidston porn last week????

Mrs Worthington said...

Happy Birthday Auntie Gwen or is that domestic goddess? Spoil yourself rotten on Thursday and hope your kids do too they are lucky ot have such a wonderful young mum. If you are still in the motherland will the folks be hanging out the flags too?

It might be horrible at the moment but it does get better. Honestly.
X

auntiegwen said...

Mrs W - I was commenting on your blog when you were commenting on mine!!!! cue spooky music. I'm back in England now, only have 2 of my 3 and I'm sure if I wait till ooh about 2 o'clock they'll bring me coffee in bed !!!! xxx

bittersweetmess said...

Happy Birthday Aunty Gwen!

I loved the visionary of your kitchen and am a big fan of retro radio's.

I'm sorry you are stuck in a not so nice place and I hope it gets better soon.

If only for peace of mind, ey?

Big hugs from Aussieland xo

Kelloggsville said...

Hippo birdday for Thursday. Not a nice place is a rooten place to stop off on the journey. It'll be time to move on from it soon.

Last year I almost did that to my kitchen. Stuck an extension on it, cream cupboard doors (not a full refit), silver handles stuff. It it amazing how cathartic sorting out a kitchen can be for a woman. It's an important room to flick through mags and drink coffee. Heart of the non-cooking house!

Can you lower your David Tenant bar for a few months and shag around tradesmen :0) Just a thought :0)

Hope your Thursday has a smile in it somewhere xxx

katyboo1 said...

I wish you all the peace of mind you could want and I really, really hope it comes back to you soon, and for good. Happy Birthday.xx

auntiegwen said...

Becca - I djavascript:void(0)o good kitchen porn, don't I? thanks for listening to my whinges xxx

Kellogsville - yep, I'd be delighted with a tradesman, would be tres tres useful non? xx

Mrs Boo - many thanks, it really is the best thing to have x

Looking Fab in your forties said...

Thats all I've ever wanted too, but sometimes its not meant to be. Hope you have a great birthday and that some lovely person buys you the 2.55 - although I will be very jealous!

auntiegwen said...

Mrs fab - feeling so much better today, the drama only goes on if I allow it, so feeling great and un manipulated and that's worth not having the 2.55. However Hot Boy has promised to buy me both the 2.55 and a new kitchen when he becomes a famous pop star and if I don't blog his embarassing photos!!!!

Diney said...

Happy birpday - sorry you've been in a rotten place recently. If it's much to do with age, don't let it....honestly, life up here in my 50's is just fab! And I have an aga (over rated) but would love a SMEG (any colour!)one day!

scrappysue said...

happy birthday again! i hope the worry list shortens and that whatever drama is making you worrisome right now dissipates soon. look fwd to hearing about how your happy day went!

Rare Lesser Spotted said...

Many happy returns hun, hope you had a good one XXX

Family Affairs said...

We are even the same age!! Going through emotional stuff together and I too dream of peace of mind....one day, one day and then we'll probably be bored!! Lx

Happy Birthday xx

Jon Storey said...

Belated "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

Only 44?

No, not an insult but I was kind of hoping not to be the only ancient bugger around here......