Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Rantie auntie's top 3 of the week

You knew it had to come didn't you? I was ridiculously upbeat with all the wee funnies in the last post so for every yin there is a yang, every action a reaction, the thick seam of dichotomy running through the very core of me means you must have some rantie auntie. Read on McDuff

This week...

3 things that have made your auntie say " For the love of God" if you're of a nervous disposition or "Aw fur fucks sake" if you're not.

Both are in a very exasperated middle aged Scottish way though.

Jamie Oliver called his son Buddy Bear.

A man called Keith Mcdonald has 10 children by 10 different women, according to The Sunday Times this will cost the tax payer £1.5 billion by the time the children reach 18 as this unemployed Casanova impregnates girls/women who are reliant on benefits. He is not the bonniest of poppets but apparently is charming, especially on buses where he's met more than a few of his children's mothers. He doesn't have any contact with any of his children and pays £5 per week out of his benefits towards the upkeep of them. What a guy.

I know I'm sounding more than a little DAILY HEILISH but c'moan... (I would have linked to the Sunday Times article I read but it's paywalled and I'm a poor auntie) Please note since the Daily Mail article of July last year you can click on, he is now longer with Claire and now is expecting a baby with a Sarah who he is no longer with and a Danielle who he is, but she's only been pregnant a month so...

I went to buy new trainers to stop the rest of my toenails turning black and falling off. Apparently you can't just buy trainers, you have to have your gait analysed. For the unwary amongst you, this is what happens...

You put trainers on, the wee beardy boy checks where your toes are like the Start Rite lady did when you were 5, you get on the treadmill, you run - it's filmed, wee beardy boy tells you how wonky you run apparently I very badly overpronate on my left and I run on my toes so all the fancy stuff they put in the heels to stop you overpronate isn't worth a curdy to me.
I tried on 6 pairs.
It took an hour.
I was wearing a maxi dress.
My trainers cost £105, I'm a middle aged Glaswegian Mammy not feckin Usain Bolt.

28 comments:

Little Red Hen said...

They film you when you run? That would put me right off.

auntiegwen said...

LRH - it wasn't pleasant viewing

Rare Lesser Spotted said...

Karma will give Casanova his just deserts... he must have been impotent and dumb in a previous life. The figures are just stunning.

After 30 years of relative inactivity, I went to buy a pair of trainers from the running shop and you can imagine the look on the face of the 16 year old, 7 stone girl staffing the shop who saw a 24 stone 50 something year old walk through the door announcing he wanted running shoes!

She didn't take me seriously and I bought a pair in the sale at £70, unmeasured, unfilmed and unloved :( To be fair, although I have walked hundreds of miles in them, they're in great condition. A bargain, albeit by default.

I did laugh at the 'Start Rite' reference. As a 16 year old, I worked in a shoe shop measuring feet of all ages and genders on the Clarkes machine - the women were the most - shall we say - 'interesting.' Fun days.
xx

auntiegwen said...

Steve - it's really scary how much it must all cost because I'm sure there's more like him. I'm glad you got your trainers without filming, I'm dreading wee beardy boy putting up hilarious film on you tube of middle aged mammy in maxi dress trying to run!!!

ps I want to hear the story of the shoes xxx

Kelloggsville said...

where...where do I go get me gait fillumed? It feels important to do it and PS "Aw fur fucks sake" actually reads with an Irish accent - I know bizarre!

Curry Queen said...

Don't you think there's so much crap wrapped around the simplest of actions these days (like buying trainers) so as to scare us all into buying the £99 versions when the £25 version would probably do just as well? PS what's a curdy?

Looking for Blue Sky said...

The fluffy-faced teenagers in the Sports shops in Dublin look more than a bit surprised when I walk in looking for running shoes. I'm so glad they've never tried to film me tho! And as for Jamie Oliver (thought he'd have more sense) and Keith Mcdonald, they'll both get their comeuppance one day...xx

slommler said...

Film you while you are running?? What about if you just walk fast? And trainers are overpriced anyway!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Gigi said...

Awww Gwen - I'm with you 100% on all these and have been a bit rantie today myself. If I'd a nickel for every time I've cursed out my computer(s) today alone I'd be a rich woman.

Mud in the City said...

"And now for the science bit....." I also went to buy my new trainers wearing a maxie dress. Although next time I'll remember to wear something more reliable than a strapless bra.

Mind you, as a fellow running-on-toes person, if you're going to do more than pootle 100yrds having your trainers fitted does make a big difference. To you and your toenails!

Mud in the City said...

"And now for the science bit....." I also went to buy my new trainers wearing a maxie dress. Although next time I'll remember to wear something more reliable than a strapless bra.

Mind you, as a fellow running-on-toes person, if you're going to do more than pootle 100yrds having your trainers fitted does make a big difference. To you and your toenails!

auntiegwen said...

S - you go to the shop on Clarendon Park Rd, I'm quite found of Irish accents so either will do me :)

CQ - I keep being told how important it is to have good trainers so I will pay up. A curdy is another old Scottish/Irish expresssion - you might say itsn't worth a bean or a dime or isn't worth anything, I'll use curdy because my mammy did.

LFBS - I think every shop/business/bar by law should have a middle aged person to serve fellow middle aged people becuase it's getting a bit tedious all the staring when you make a perfectly reasonable request

SueAnn - trust me they're much cheaper in the States, I always buy some if I'm on holiday xx

Gigi - techfeckinology I hear ya x

Mud - ah the holding of dress up with one hand and the containing of bouncing bosoms with the other running style :)our videos will both be up on youtube

Sandi said...

Is it something in the water?? Cos I been a bit ranty of late too, about greed, disrespect, injustice etc. and how much shit gets through the cracks and not addressed. I can only hope that Karma comes and kicks those people really hard in the butt.
Wheeeee, oh happy days. I'm with you 'aw fur fucks sake'
sandi oo (hugs)

MrsW said...

You found a sport's shop? Selling sport's stuff? For people who do sports? I'd happily have my lumbering gat filmed if it meant I had access to actual proper training/running/hockey shoes rather than the street crap our local JJB churns out - have you ever tried to buy school PE kit in a JJB? The guy didn't even smile as he told me "Aye we don't actually sell gym kit". Or anything over a size 12 apparently. WTF? I so want to see that company mission statement.

Buddy Bear? Srsly? Fur fuck's sake someone slap him for me.

Troy said...

Now you've forked out £105 and got the perfect trainers I would hope that you could give Usain Bolt a run for his money. I would however advise giving the Commonwealth Games in New Delhi a miss having seen the photos. Maybe train instead for London 2012?
Don't get me started on these multi-million benefit claimers. I've stopped reading beyond the headlines as they **** me off so much.

Nota Bene said...

You overpronate? In the shop? You should be ashamed...

As for the lad who can't keep his flies done up...shoot him. It's the only way

mannanan said...

I just loved today's blog, reminded me so much of myself and the week I've had apart from the trainers, way past those at my age I'm afraid.Everything else just spot on. Take care. How's EBD doing at uni? Well I hope.

Laura said...

Oi! How do you think your calling McDuff Eh?!!!! :O)

Autumn Mist said...

Sorry to hark back to a previous post, but it's all your fault anyway! Finally plucked up the courage to ask the hubster if he had a favourite testicle. He said yes but he couldn't tell me which one as the other one would only get upset. We've been together 20 years. I had a very sheltered upbringing.

auntiegwen said...

Sandi - I'm right with you, I used to be a right bleeding heart liberal as well ! xxx

Mrs W - come spend a weekend with me, I'll show you wine, men and erm sports shops :) xx

Troy - I usually don't hear about them as I only read 1 paper a week but I see it so often at work, people who haven't worked and probably will never work, quite depressing

NB - easy Ghengis, put that gun away. You know me, I'll overpronate anywhere ;0 shameless overpronating hussy that I am

Mannanan - hello me dear :), I know it's frightenening how grumpy I can become. Herself is grand, made some friends, lost her voice, drank her bodyweight in liquor, usual freshers week x

Lolly - sorry my lovely xxx

AM - I am so sorry to be the bringer of such revelations to your obviously peaceful and happy marriage. I have no idea if the ex mr auntiegwen had a favourite, it may not be appropriate now to ask him. Sometimes you just have to accept that you'll never know

diney said...

In which case I shall be keeping my trainers until they literally fall to pieces in the middle of my aerodance class!! No wee beardy is going to film my butt when I'm running!!
Hope your lovely girl is settling in and that you are slowly becoming used to the transition. It's probably whey you felt like a bloody good rant about Jamie O's ridiculous choice of name (I admit I cringed for the poor child)

Madame DeFarge said...

Why buy trainers at that price? Just buy a wee pair of gutties out of ASDA like the rest of us. You know, the black ones with the odd rubber bit around the toe.

Previously (Very) Lost in France said...

Calm.... calm...! The trouble with all these 'benefit scum' stories is that they print them purely to get you going but they rarely stand up to close inspection. £1.5 billion? That would mean benefits of £8.3 million per child per year. Now, even the most generous benefit system wouldn't pay that out. Even the £2 million quoted by other papers would have to include all the income-related benefits that everyone is entitled to but hey, they don't like the truth to get in the way of an opportunity to raise the national blood pressure.

Jamie Oliver.... what a t***er!

Trainers? Cat peed in mine this morning!

Hope you are recovering your zen.

Suzanne Jones said...

I'm quite scared by what you're telling us of the modern trainer buying process - that gives me the excuse I need never to get any.

XX

bittersweetmess said...

I'm going with "aw fur fucks sake!"

Jamie's choice of name for son leaves me asking, "but why?!"

Ayak said...

I love your blog...thankyou for so many smiles xxx

Mrs Worthington said...

I too need new trainers but I don't want to be filmed whilst running. It will be the cheapest pair I can find when I do

scrappysue said...

buddy bear? are you serious!!!!! let's hope he's the last one!