Thursday, 3 March 2011

Middle Class Porn

BIG HUGE MIDDLE CLASS MIDDLE AGED WOMAN PORN ALERT.

The older I become, the more I seem to gravitate to the the middle class lifestyle porn that is peddled mercilessly at me, it's in my magazines, on t'internets, I am even sent porn through the post, lovely seductive catalogues that scream, sit and stroke my subtly sexy pages and be immersed in my middle class world where there is no recesssion and everything is lovely. If I buy from them my life will be immeasureably better, I will be thinner, my children will be tow headed poppets, my husband will be lantern jawed handsome. I won't take it too far, we all know what my life and children are really like.

My name is auntiegwen and I am addicted to The White Company (and others but one step at a time) I like soft things. I like very plain things. I like things that last. I don't mind paying for quality things as long as there are no labels and bling and no one can guess they were expensive (the dichotomy thing that runs through my very core) I am The White Company's marketing department's wet dream.

I buy their candles, they do a lot of candles. I love candles and I always have one burning away somewhere.

I have their vases and fairy lights and Christmas pot pourri and wreaths. I have their vase that looks like a big fishbowl filled with their very fancy white lantern fairy lights in my conservatory, it is very what lovely. It screams The White Company.

I wear their clothes, they do a lot of grey, I am strangely drawn to the colour grey.

I have managed to keep my The White Company habit under some financial control. I started small, a candle, a liquid soap. Not all the time - just when I was feeling a bit low and needed a quick pick me up. I worked my way up through the ranks.

Until now.

Now I want more. I have the deep yearning for their bedding. Dear God, protect me from myself.

I so want the CARLYLE bed linen. I love the subtle striped softness and plainess of it.

I covet with covety covetousness the GREY CASHMERE throw and cushions.

I know it would be outrageous and obsecene for me to spend hundreds of pounds on bed linen. But the inner voice says so what if the children don't get to eat for a while. Or they cut my gas off. I will be cushioned from the harsh realities of life.

I won't feel it because I will be in middle class bed heaven, gently slumbering on soft as a whisper 600tc Egyptian cotton sateen (made in Italy, where all the really stylish bed linen gets made, none of your made in China for TWC, no siree Bob)

I will be thin and beautiful and in a grey slip nightie (oh how well they know me, everything in that feckin catalogue is screaming BUY ME) I will have a gentle peaceful life, I probably do yoga as well.

My bedroom is a sanctuary, I have fresh white flowers in an effortlessly stylish vase, my candle is beautifully subtle, I am serene and calm. I read improving books in bed with my soft as a baby's breath cashmere throw around my shoulders. My life is so chic it hurts.

I know it's not right for me to spend that money on bed linen but I still want it. I long for it. It's top quality porn.

My name is auntiegwen and I am addicted to The White Company.

40 comments:

martine said...

Go out now and do penance ... put on your wellies and clear the cat crap from the garden:-)
excellent post
martine

auntiegwen said...

Martine - I am sorry I have sinned. I shall clean out the garage. I have no cat or cat crap. The garage is manky, will that do?

slommler said...

Hang on sweetie!! Don't let them get you! I know resistance is futile...but do your best!! Those items sounds more than lovely and I can see why you are in lust for them! But to have lust is a sin for sure. You need to say three hail Mary's and the Pledge of Allegiance and never look at the catalog again. Oh? You say that is impossible? Welllllll...then buy them all and enjoy! Sink into that cashmere loveliness and let the world as you know it, slip away!
What kids? What hubby? There are but mere lint on the throw. Slip away!!! Slip slip away!!!
Hugging you
SueAnn

auntiegwen said...

SueAnn - oh don't encourage me to spend money!!!! my son will have to get another paper round to pay for his mothers TWC habit!

Gigi said...

The only way I've been able to resist is to have my name removed from all catalogs so that I don't receive them anymore. But after looking at the bedding you are dreaming about....I may just have to sign up for one catalog.....

Sandi said...

So, ok I can now understand your obsession with The White Company, I just opened the 'new arrivals' in the clothing dept and the first dress I see I want, it's the 'stitch trim linen dress' way too expensive for me tho' but big drools. I have always had champagne taste on less than beer income. Bugger, bum and all the other words I could use!!!!!!
x Sandi

auntiegwen said...

Gigi - isn't it lush? I so want that lifestyle

Sandi - I fear I am a bad influence on you all, however if Mrs White Company is reading this and sees how many people I am infecting she will offer me discounts and freebies? which of course I would share with you all :) xxx

Betty said...

My goodness you are suffering badly - I have been there - still have the faded The White Company pale as petals rosebud duvet and sheet set to prove it - I assure you once it is very old and faded it doesn't look vintage it just looks old and you would wish you still had the money... needing and wanting are not the same thing but they are dealt with according to your budget my grandma used to say. That catalogue is evil, get it out of your house now!

auntiegwen said...

Betty - oh no really? maybe that will save me a fortune then. The clothes I have from there are still great but strangely enough they are all grey and black. I know, how very colourful and unusual of me!!!!

Mud in the City said...

I live far too close to the White Co's Sloane Sq store - which they've just expanded!

Sometimes I go in there just to stroke tings.

auntiegwen said...

Mud - glad I'm not alone :)

Andy said...

I went there once.

I picked up a plain white scarf and genuinely thought that the decimal point in the price had been put in the wrong place by mistake.

Nota Bene said...

That is the most shameless post I've ever seem I know you want new linen for the bedroom. I hope they send it to you. I also will point out that when I accused you of using sex to ramp up your visitor numbers you denied it. Deny it now if you dare. I too like middle class porn. Well it must be if it's also watched by the husband of a politician. I shall skulk away now.

auntiegwen said...

Andy - stop being such a BLOKE about things

NB - oh yes, sex sex sex is all this blog is ever about, away back to your own kind of porn, boys porn is very differnt to middle aged lady porn. Grandma in Cyprus I hope you read the things he says to me...

Looking for Blue Sky said...

I go and stroke iPads in Department Stores even though we now have one....so I guess you could say I like apple porn, a very expensive habit too xx

The Return of the Native ... sort of. said...

oops ... two days on the trot talking about TWC sheets and cashmere. Trying to justify spending the money?!
Thought so ...
Go and order immediately.

auntiegwen said...

LFBS - oh my dad is addicted to Apple too, and Andy that comments here thinks I should buy an ipad instead! xx we all have our own predilictions :) xxx

RoTN - are you sure? I will tell everyone it was your fault, that you told me to :) x

Mrs Worthington said...

You bad girl. All that talking of stroking and sniffing - or did I make that up. This said from a woman who has been stood in Laura Ashley today stroking an eiderdown at £225. I walked away. You can walk away too.

auntiegwen said...

Mrs W - yes but you have other things to amuse you, snort snort winky face. Juvenile? me? xx

Kelloggsville said...

Time to reach out to Boden for a bit of colour in your wardrobe! and BHS have some lovely sheets m'duck ;0)

auntiegwen said...

S - I have a scary amount of Boden wrap round dresses and the children used to be fully Boden'd until they got too big, now it's Jack Wills all the way!

Troy said...

Surely you wouldn't want a grey slip nightie to come between you and your 600tc Egyptian cotton would you? That would only be soft porn now, wouldn't it?

auntiegwen said...

Troy - I actually snorted a little coffee when I read that :) such an attractive mental picture you've got going now non?

Troy said...

Oui! And I'm happy with it.

auntiegwen said...

Troy - :)

Rare Lesser Spotted said...

I wholly agree - the children should not be fed and be sent out to forage for a month. That way they learn the value of what you give them, they get immunity from disease pretty quickly and you can wave at them from your luxury bedroom furnished from the savings as they bring in their half eaten macdonalds car window throw-aways (which also saves the local authority in street cleaning expenses in these days of austerity from which you might be able to claim a council tax rebate).
If questioned by the NSPCC, blame brainwashing from the advertising industry.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Woman you could be earning a fortune running a sex phone line talking to people about sensuous bedding! That way you'd accrue a fortune to spend on the things that make your heart sing. Go for it, indulge all of your fantasies! Naughty wee lassie that ye are!

auntiegwen said...

Steve - a man with a plan, I love it :) xxx

Mobs - well that would fund my redecorating and if I get good maybe it'll put the kids through uni!!!!

Autumn Mist said...

I've got to say, from my point of view, that there has to be some advantage to not having a bloke in the house, and having the bed linen of your choice must be it! I am desperate to have pink Laura Ashley style bedlinen but can't because Mr O will moan. I say go for it and yah boo sucks to the kids!

auntiegwen said...

AM - if only it was just the kids stopping me! I fear the bank manager would get fairly cross with me for spending all my cash on bedding :) I think a pink Laura Ashley type bedroom sound lovely, I love that shabby chic look too

libby said...

When you live in white company world can I come and be a lodger? x

Alienne said...

I had never even heard of TWC till your post the other day. If you can afford it go for it, if you can't ... buy the smallest cheapest of the things you are lusting after and get another thing when you next get paid. And don't splash out on the kids for a while.

Taz said...

I will not click on your links, I will not fall prey to this money pit. I will not click on your links, I will not fall prey to this money pit. I will not click on your links, I will not fall prey to this money pit.

Auntiegwen!!!! don't lead me astray, I thought we were mates in our special club. :p

Muddling Along said...

I have a 15% off discount code...

Go on - think of the cost per use

I bought a White Company bedspread and cushion cases year before last and they give me great happiness every day... and are going to for ages. Money well spent in my book

muummmmeeeeee...... said...

I'm a fellow addict but have had to go cold turkey recently due to extreme poverty. Your post has bought me out in a cold sweat and I'm now teetering on the edge of the abyss as I gaze lovingly at the catalogue I'd stashed down the back of the sofa....

Lena said...

lol....This post has cheered me up. My bedroom's my sanctuary too (although I'm nursing a bad chest infection in it at the moment) I don't spend nearly enough time in there now I've the room to myself.

I know I shouldn't but I often burn an overnight candle. Glade's Enchanted Evening is my fave, although there's a whole new range to challenge your nostrils, only, I now have to wait for the nippy and bunged up nose to sod off before I can pursue my bedroom inhaling...!!

auntiegwen said...

Libby - always x

Alienne - all my cash goes on kids, well kids and toblerones :)

Taz - click on the link, come join me on the other side, you know you want to...

MaM - ooh my Red magazine arrived and as a suscriber I can get 20% off, and people say there's not a God!

Mummmmeeee - go on, we can be skint together, and it's your birthday...

Lena -oh how lovely, I adore candles, I get through tons of them

Taz said...

The way I feel tonight after the ex SERIOUSLY upsetting my beautiful babies, I will be able to buy The White Company after I screw his arse to wall - then I will gift you all your hearts desires xx

Kitty said...

Dearest AuntieGwen
I have been lusting after The White Company's merchandise for well over 10 years now. (They should stock those catalogues in a plain brown wrapper and place them on the top shelves, you know!)
I can never justify the price, and having worked for awhile in retail, in the Domestics Department of a major retail chain in the States, I know the mark-up.
But I can still gaze longingly at the lovely soft and peaceful bedroom settings, pretending I too am part of that Middle Class lifestyle.
Until reality bites me in the arse and I have to wrangle, yet again, with the Bank Manager over my overdraft. (*Sigh*)

One day...

Hugs and quiches from Kitty xxx

auntiegwen said...

Taz - oh no, what a pile of poo, poor babies. On the up side, I hope you get what you're due xx

Kitty - it is so lush isn't it? xxx