Wednesday 10 June 2009

auntiegwen goes to the country.

I am unashamedly urban, I like pavements, streetlights, shops and Starbucks. I make no apology for it, I am a city girl through and through.

On Saturday, I went to a posh wedding in Arse-end-of-nowhere, a charming village in Herefordshire, I believe I was nearly in Wales. The wedding was held in a marquee in a field. I am sure the setting is beautiful, there were trees and grass and sheep and I am sure that floats lots of people's boats. Sure no harm to them, if we all liked the same things, the world would be a boring place.

Not your auntie.

I had on a very beautiful frock and my favourite shoes, as you're reading this you're thinking, that was a mistake hen, and you'd be right. The car was parked beside the field, in a parking field, so to speak. Then I had to walk IN MY GOOD SHOES (Dune, emperor purple satin overlaid with black lace 5 inch stilettos, I love them)...

through a field, to clarify, not a road, a wet, heel sinking, eat my stiletto type of field.

You can imagine your aunties mood and vocabulary at this point.

The man who'd asked me to accompany him as a plus one was beginning to find me less charming than he'd previously thought. This is a terribly posh man who lives a very country lifestyle, he finds me amusing in a "not quite sure what she is really" kind of way, he has no notion of me at all. He offers to carry me across the field as he is a gentleman but I put my fixed parents evening grin on my face and carry on.

Let me say, the wedding was beautiful, the marquee was perfect, the bride glorious and there was a free bar and dishes of love hearts on the table. The music was like a school disco circa 1982, so perfect for me, and we danced well into the night. I had a brilliant time.

The buffet was a bit different, they had roasted a pig, it still had it's face on and people were hacking lumps off the side of it and sticking them in bread rolls. Vegetarian auntie that I am found that slightly disconcerting.

The people are different, the men were huge, I felt absolutely tiny and they talked about things I had no notion of whatsoever. They just seem to say exactly what they're thinking. There was a very nice, very posh man telling me how he and Charles Spencer play cricket together, I know nothing of this sport, I'm Scottish, genetically predisposed to be bemused by cricket and as I apologised for my lack of knowledge he assured me it didn't matter. he then added, almost as an afterthought...

"Jolly nice breasts though"

Now if some ned had said come up to me in a bar and said "Good tits" I'd have been offended, uber posh man same sentiment, worded differently made me laugh.


menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

What a hoot – uber posh man! He’s still an old fart and a chancer with an eye to the main chance! But you are right, stick a cut glass accent on any kind of statement and we are conditioned to see it somehow as acceptable or at the very least, quite ridiculously funny as apposed to taking offence from some yobbo. Your post is my life – I love London with a passion but live in the countryside. I have given up wearing heels to fields – not very practical but then I live here so know the score. I m so fat, that I need the fauntie, rmer and his tractor to rope me up and heave me out when the old heels sink beyond reclamation. Better to wear willies with that evening gown! Great post Auntie, had me laughing my welly’s off – we use them as slippers oop here in the country!

Nota Bene said...

Oh so Four Weddings and a Funeral.

So did you drink a lot, and get off your tits then?

Laura said...

That is the second comment you have had about your breasts of late. What's your secret?

Poor wee piggy, That must have been a horrible sight to see.

Anonymous said...

We were both negotiating land mines in the countryside in unsuitable shoes this weekend then? ;o)
No one commented on my boobs though :o(

Shirley said...

Such a glamorous life you lead. Purple satin with black lace stiletto heels? I feel a swoon coming on. ;-)

Working Mum said...

What I want to know is - what sort of shoes were the other women wearing? I wear 'looking at' shoes (just for looking at, not for walking) to weddings too, but then I am also a city girl.

Liked the Parents' Evening smile, I know it well!

lisaq said...

Haha! I would have been pissed enough that I might not have recovered enough to enjoy the evening. Good for you girl.

The pig? Ugh! The breast comment? Too funny!

Squirmy Popple said...

And how exactly do you respond to a comment like that?

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Priceless, Gwennie - As were the lovely, elegant shoes, I'll bet...

It's good to see the funny side of another part of life sometimes, methinks... Makes me appreciate more what I have in some ways - Hope you felt the same! And compliments, at our age, however they come, are to treasure, non?! x

scrappysue said...

so funny. i love a good wedding, but i hate that sinking feeling too!!!

auntiegwen said...

Mob - if you live there it can't be bad ! you and I would have had a hoot at that wedding x

NB - I am your friend, I will not make smart arse remarks, I am your friend, I will not make smart arse remarks, is there an echo in here ?

Lolly - it was really strange

Penelope - it was the weekend for weddings, I'm sure the peple at your wedding were just too polite

Shirley - oh yes, we all know what a glamorous life I lead !

WM - They were all wearing fancy shoes too, ah the parents eve smile, can spot one anywhere !

Lisa - I now fully expect my breasts to be on the 10 o'clock news or in the newspaper !

Katie - I just looked rather startled and then giggled, not terribly grown up is it ?

Fhina - I suppose I should be grateful ! x

Sue - yep, I absolutely love weddings, I wish I got to go to more