Wednesday 26 November 2008

Duchess of Dichotomy

I am a complete creature of opposites and I always have been. At school I was a prefect despite being a punk, I have a huge bad girl/good girl fight going on inside me, I would always prefer to be rebellious but I would be scared to break the law.

I am very squeamish despite having been a nurse for 15 years, I can never watch operations or babies being born on TV yet have functioned effectively in those situations in real life. At work I was extremely patient and empathetic but at home I have no time or patience for illness, I am THE most unsympathetic Mummy ever.

I cannot watch violence of any kind yet I read (and enjoy muchly) the most gruesome and graphic crime novels but only if they are fictitious. I cannot and will never read a misery memoir.

I adore cleanliness and tidyness but I live in constant mess.

I love eating but cannot cook.

I an a lazy bag and suffer hugely from "can't be arsedness" but have a huge Calvinistic work ethic, if work is going easily I'm not proud of what I'm achieving, an "I've had a go" piece of work produced with the really difficult students who give you hardly anything means a lot to me, because we've really worked for it.

In my head I am an Indie rock and roll chick, going to gigs, loving being out late, enjoying an adult life and I would love to be something cool, like a writer or a designer but in reality I am a middle aged mummy of 3 who is a teacher, can you think of a more boringly normal job than that ? It's just not how I want the world to see me

I absolutely love mush, the more the better but only if it's real. I don't like and never listen to love songs, I hate romantic fiction and I avoid watching romantic comedies. I truly love to hear of friends romantic encounters, it doesn't have to be directed at me but if it is, auntiegwen's happiness monitor goes into overdrive. I will soak it up, nothing makes me happier, all the darlings, I miss you's and I love you's are Nirvana to me. A romantic gesture is definitely the key to my heart, do I ever make romantic gestures myself ? That would be a no !

I have 2 old mobile phones on which I have kept all the lovely messages I have been sent and I would never delete them, I also keep emails and yet the only real love letter I ever got, which was a marriage proposal I threw out, he proposed to me on a cheque, on the front it said pay Miss my real name , 1 million kisses and on the back it said " Will you marry me ? "
and I threw it out, a proper love letter, a feckin marriage proposal and I threw it away like it was rubbish, can you believe that ? Mush Queen threw it out.

I have a blog and people read about my life but I am incredibly private and can even be secretive. As a rule of thumb, when I am blogging the lighter and fluffier I try to make it, the harder my real life is. If I post a really raw and honest this is how things really are post, I am compelled to remove it, usually within a few hours. I cannot, even in this really positive environment, seem to say, my life is shit, send me some support, yet I hope when others are struggling I will try and say something helpful to them.

In my relationships I am so open and honest, I have been described as brutally candid, yet in the very few significant relationships I have had, I have picked and loved men who keep their feelings to themselves, to say they play their cards close to their chest would be the understatement of the Millenium. The man I married would rather have cut his left bollock off than talk to me. The men I have been really involved with have had huge trust issues but I have never been unfaithful, they have been but I haven't.

So there you have it, I can be as wild as the heather but with a gentle and true heart, a receiver of romance but a giver of support, brutally candid myself but choose introspection in others, in the polite version a creature of extremes. In the more realistic version, weird.


Frankies' Cornish Farmyard Ramblings said...

Hi Auntie, are we having a touch of the "so it's that time of year again",because if so you are not alone. The person I wake up as is the same one that goes to bed at night. What happens inbetween is life I too would like to be the perfect mummy I am lucky enough to share with my husband the ups and downs but with all that said, why do I feel so alone?
Love Frankie

Tim Atkinson said...

You know, The Duchess of Dichotomy would make an excellent title for a book. Perhaps you are a writer after all?

Mean Mom said...

Not weird at all. Just fun and interesting. A lot of us women are full of contradictions, aren't we? Never boring in that respect.

Nota Bene said...

I am returning to Mars forthwith

Anonymous said...

Being a contradiction in terms is what keeps life interesting. I enjoy being the teacher that isn't at all teacher-like and the mom who parties with her daughters. I like that people get one picture of me based on what they think I am, but then realize I'm very different than what they see at first blush. Makes life fun.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Now this is where a study of psychology would definitely interest you. A psychoanalyst chap called Erik Erikson coined the term identity crisis which has found its way into popular language today. In its simplest form his theory of identity is that we have many identities in life, wife, mother, sister, employee, friend, train spotter! Etc. We are all of these things at some point during the day depending upon the role we are playing at the time. We define our identities by the clubs, groups we join and by the clothes we wear, whether we exercise to gain muscle and change shape, eat too much and get fat, dye our hair etc. All of it is called agency – in that we are free to choose our identity’s and reinvent ourselves when we please. We often define our identities too by avoiding the groups that we don’t join and by implication saying ‘I am not that identity or part of that group’ ie, like not wearing Burberry anymore because all the chav’s have grabbed that iconic look and made it their own! A particular dynamic of society that have trouble reinventing themselves are the physically impaired – they have very different identity issues that society places upon them rather than them choosing it themselves. This leads to labelling of people such as amputee, paraplegic and as such people are then seen as a disability as apposed to a person first with multiple roles/identities in life who just happen to be physically impaired – it affects how people treat them differently to the rest of the population. The same assumptions are also made where a person cannot change a colour or ethnic identity – assumptions are often made skewing the true picture of the person. So, your post is very very interesting and very insightful to the human personality and the dynamics that drive us when we fulfil several roles and identities every day. Internal struggle is the norm for everyone – we just don’t realise it and that everyone else is playing multiple roles throughout the day too! I loved this post Aunty – superbly thought out and thought provoking.

Anonymous said...

I think all of those are reasons why you are interesting and kind and despite only knowing you a short time, you're definitely someone I would happily get plastered and have a giggle with! :o)

Dusty Spider said...

Not weird at all. Just caring, self reliant and gentle. Honest and strong - that's you. You deserve to find someone really nice but not someone who needs saving. You need support while you support others. Difficult to find but not impossible. Keep looking! Flick xx

Laura said...

My mum keeps a phone with old messages on it too. Must be a mother thing.

DAB said...

Sweetie, you can be a writer or a designer as well as a teacher and a great mum. Knock down the barriers. You must have plenty of writing material inside you.

(I'm with you on the "lighter and fluffier senerio" it be a smoke screen you see, in my case a mask. Real life can be shitty, blogging for me is a form of light relief but sometimes it both magnifies and highlights my shortcomings)

Take care TFx

Squirmy Popple said...

Being contradictory is probably what makes you interesting!

auntiegwen said...

Frankie - I would love to be the perfect Mummy as I failed miserably at being a wife and life is hard at times and just plain tedious at others but I'm sure we all feel alone at times xx

Tim - too kind my dear, but I'm all too flippant and shallow for that.

Mean Mom - yep, I'm full of contradictions, and full of the cold today, so feeling a bit poor me x

NB - it was the thought of having to marry me that did it !

Liza - black day, expect an email later ! xx Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving xx

Mob - you are so right, I've been so busy perfecting my Pollyanna persona, I hadn't realised how aggressive my omnipresent passive aggressiveness was becoming, I am ashamed of how I've made someone feel, but I am glad the light's been switched on and I can be less "I'm so good and sweet and I've got the moral highground", the worst thing is that I HATE that in other people and I've behaved like that to someone who doesn't deserve it. Again mea culpa

penelope - I will definitely take you up on that, just to warn you, I like a sneaky smoke when I'm drinking, it makes me dizzy and I am completely trousered after 3 glasses, the upshot is I'm a very cheap drinking buddy and I am told by my friends I am a highly amusing drunk !

Flick - thank you so much for your very kind words but they make me feel like a fraud, I've invented this nice kind auntie for the world to see and I've been believing my own publicity, I have MANY MANY flaws and I had to face some last night, and I feel very uncomfortable about my behaviour, I need to apologise big time to someone, and I will

Lolly - we're just old softies at heart x

TF - thanks sweetie, I'm going to concentrate on just being a better me, that's a good long project for me x

Katie - that's a kind way of putting it !

GrandAnglais said...

You're a mass of contradictions aren't you? I can relate to that. Anyway, it makes you more interesting!
Thank you for dropping by on my page.