Monday 24 October 2011

10 quirks my family has

I have lived in England for the last 11 years and I don't see my family often as it's a 700 mile round trip. Having spent the last week on holiday with my parents I am slightly more aware of their little quirks than usual. You know the things your family does and some of it is quite endearing, some of it is puzzling and some of it makes you reach for the gin. I wouldn't say it was stressful or anything but my jaw is beginning to unclench now.

My dad prefers to keep his holiday money in a cushion cover, that's as safe as houses for him.

My dad doesn't think the evening has ended until he's bought some more hooky dvd's. He was buying 10 a night, he has more films than blockbusters.

They both seem to be ambrosia to mosquito's, their anti mosquito protection going to bed routine takes quite some time. They have the plug in deterrents, they spray the room, they wipe stuff they buy from the chemist on any exposed skin, they wear full length pyjamas, they both sleep inside a net they bought in Ikea and they tuck themselves oh so carefully in and still they are bitten to death. I did nothing, not a thing and I wasn't bitten at all. This made my mother a tad tetchy.

My mother looked like a mafia widow most evenings, she has a tiny bite on her face which meant huge black sunglasses had to be put on when we went out. She said she was scared someone would think my dad had hit her. In my head, every evening went the refrain of "only the lonely" but her glasses weren't as nice as Roy's.

When I was in a bikini, they were in jeans and jumpers, my mum even had her tights on under the jeans, she does wear her sunhat though, as it was in the 80's, that is her concession to the temperature.

My mother can't speak to waiters at all, she would tell us what she wanted and when the waiter asked her for her order, she would look frantically at us and mouth what she wanted.

My mother never, ever enjoys what she gets in restaurants. No matter how good the food is, there is always something not quite right with it, if she enjoyed the fish, the potatoes were not right, too lumpy, too seasoned, too hot, too cold, too something. She would always leave most of her dinner uneaten and then we would have to have the conversation with the waiter, obviously she wouldn't complain about anything but she would make us explain that the food was lovely but she's just not a big eater, that's what she likes us to say. I just wanted to say sorry, she's a bit mental and fussy and she hates seasoning and any kind of taste in food at all, she only wants things to taste like porridge.

Silence is a big no no for them, they like to have conversation at all times, especially if you're trying to watch a film, most especially then.

They do insist upon telling you everything 3 times over, it's difficult to appear interested when it actually didn't really matter in the first place

As they are both tee total, they just don't understand why anyone would want to drink, at all. This means my holiday becomes much more sober. At a time where I need alcohol just so much more.


Anonymous said...

It can get wearing can't it! If my mother has moaned once about Sky Sports News no longer being available on Freeview she has moaned 5,279 times. Usually at least twice per phonecall (which is why we have now set up a Virgin Media subscription for her).

Please god don't let me end up like that!

auntiegwen said...

A - for me it's like watching my own personal doom

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Both my parents came late to alcohol....just in time for all my visits home. Now my Dad loves our wine-fuelled conversations once the kids are asleep :)

Gigi said...

Parents - what can you do? Except sneak in the alcohol.

AGuidingLife said...

I hate the 'it was nice but' moaners that always point out the negatives, ahhhh hang on that's blogging....

Autumn Mist said...

A beautifully written piece, Auntie G, I was giggling all the way through it.

Sueann said...

Ha!! What a delightful eccentric pair they are!! Loved your story!
Yes I can see that a little alcohol would be needed generous quantities!!

Ayak said...

Do you have to sneak the alcohol up to bed with you? This is what I do when my strict muslim in-laws come to stay. Strangely..I don't actually drink much any other time.

Andy said...

This post had me crying with laughter. I can just picture them both now!

auntiegwen said...

LFBS - mine look at me sadly and only stop themselves from tutting as I have a glass

Gigi - I don't think I could have got it upstairs in the industrial quantities needed

S - yep I know, I would have nothing to say if it wasn't for my dysfunctional family

AM - lovely, you can take them next year, yes? see for yourself? I will give you the house for free, pleeeeaaaasssse x

SueAnn - oh yes, always blame the parents :) hope you are doing okay xxx

Ayak - you probably don't need to xx

Andy - hahaha feck off or I'll make you and Autumn Mist take them next year, that'll learn you

Nota Bene said...

You will become your mum. It's the law.

auntiegwen said...

NB - hahahah feck off

Sandi said...

Oh my LOL at your mum with restaurant food, with talking non stop (especially through movies, fav programs etc) and repeating things three times, THAT IS MY MOTHER to a tee, oh yes they would be great together!!!! Hahahahaha, bugga about the non drinking parents, my mum doesn't drink, but my dad enjoys a beer or wine every now and then. I keep telling my kids, please tell me if I start being like her so I can stop myself arrhhh.
xx Sandi