Sunday 30 October 2011

10 things that could only happen in my life

You know the 1 step forward and 2 steps back analogy?, that could have been written for your auntie. For me if a good thing happens then a not so good thing comes along to even up the score. A more Pollyannaish auntie would say that if a bad thing happens a better thing comes along and I do try and reframe stuff to that end but for the purposes of slight comedy value we will go with the 1 forward and 2 back.

Since the dawn of time I have been trying and failing to lose weight This is my lifelong battle as I am an auntie who loves cake with a passion. I am losing badly. Imagine my surprise and delight when I got thinner. Yaay, happy middle aged woman dance of joy.

The down side - it was my wrist and my hands that got thinner. My watch and ring are now hanging off me. Turn away now if you don't want to read swearing, what the actual fuckity fuck fuck?

Both The Beautiful Son and the Beautiful Baby Daughter were out at parties and sleepovers on Friday night. I had looked forward to this unexpected free night with an expectation usually only experienced by kiss and tell girls when they finally realise they are going to shag the footballer of their grubby little dreams.

Then Eldest Beautiful Daughter arrived home from university and that meant all my plans had to be accommodated to include her as she needs constant feeding and entertainment.

I spent a whole day making a presentation so that I didn't scare lay people about a disease. I normally only train doctors and nurses so I can talk about symptoms and side effects and no one turns green or cries.

Then the chairman of the support group showed up and spoke at great length and with astonishingly graphic detail about the scary bits and the side effects that I had been so keen to avoid.

I got a letter from the Inland revenue to say I had overpaid tax and they were sending me five hundred and something pounds.

The next day I got a letter saying I owed them four hundred and something pounds in unpaid NI contributions.

In a fit of unexpected efficiency I ordered 200 stamps from Royal Mail online. I get through stamps on an industrial basis and I am forever running out and then I have to drive to the village, find a parking space and wait behind the pensioners who hide around the corner and appear in a flash mob just before I join the queue. I smugly congratulated myself on such a time saving ruse.

I arrived home from work and find a Royal Mail card saying they had a package that they needed a signature for. I drive to the collecting office, have to pay for parking as it's conveniently situated outside of the village but just inside the city centre and tucked away behind the railway station. I wait in a very long queue and retrieve a very flat envelope. Which contained 200 stamps.

As I always say, my life is massively entertaining if you're not living it.


Trish said...

What disease you were you talking about? I'm curious (nosy).

Gigi said...

1 step forward and 2 steps back - yeah, I can relate.

Working Mum said...

I thought that was just my life! Maybe it happens to all of us?

PS No one on their death bed says they wish they'd ate less cake!

Autumn Mist said...

Yes but all of these things happen so you can blog about them and give us all a good laugh and brighten our otherwise mundane lives. What could be more worthy than that?!

libby said...

It's the way we all move forward I guess...slowly...with good and bad happening along the way...but s'all goooooood babe really isn't it x

Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. You can always use it to wet the back of stamps.

Oh, hold on - they're sticky now aren't they?

Sigh..... feeling old.....

AGuidingLife said...

I woyldn't help you to know that the rest of us are suffering a similar fate would it? No, I thought not (ps could I borrow a stamp? It's a right pain going to teh post office!)

Nota Bene said...

How do you know how kiss and tell girls feel when they finally get to shag a footballer? Is there something else you want to tell us. We'll keep it pretty much a secret. Maybe.

auntiegwen said...

Trish - I work for a neurological charity

Gigi - yeah but you've got better shoes

Wm - you are a wise, wise woman

AM - sometimes it even makes me laugh, not often but sometimes

Libs - could be worse, musn't grumble etc xx

Matthew - not as old as me, my love :)

S - pop round I have 200 of them now

NB - I have a vivid imagination, not about footballers usually, but vivid enough

Andy said...

Maybe the kids are practising for the bit when they have to keep you under 24 hour surveillance in case you wander off in nothing but your pants?

I'm impressed at their forward planning and commitment to your long-term care.

auntiegwen said...

Andy - yep that'll be it, they'll be thinking of me, naaaaahhhht