Monday 28 February 2011


I am tired, more than my usual low level tiredness because I am a middle aged mummy, that I live with. This tiredness is bone deep, not quite at lie down and cry level but approaching it scarily fast.

Main reasons are kids, work, house and self in no particular order.

The children are fine but keeping them fine requires huge amounts of emotional input from me, I am weary of being an emotional cheerleader, my pom poms have wilted and my rah rahs are all rah rahed out. I know this will pass but I am being stretched mightily thin at present.

I am not the world's leading expert in my work field and I am pissed off at myself for not being so, I've been there for nearly 4 months now, what is wrong with me? I hate this feeling, I spent the last 10 years in childcare and schools and I was really, really comfortable there, I knew lots. I have moved back into the medical field that I left and I don't know everything. I am running to catch up, constantly researching/ reading/asking questions and I hate my lack of knowledge. There is so much to learn and I want to know it all right now. I want to feel that when I am training people I know my subject inside out and I don't yet. I can't begin to tell you how uncomfortable I am with this.

The house is, quite frankly, a tip. It hasn't been cleaned properly for weeks and I can't summon up the energy to tackle it. My recent attempts to redecorate the bedroom caused Hot Boy to remark that I had taken refugee chic to the next level. It is not pretty and as decisions still haven't been made, the end is still not in sight.

I am beginning to loathe the way I look. I haven't ever felt like this before, I used to be really comfortable in my own skin and now because of my weight I'm not. I am eating and drinking far too much, my running is almost non existent. I am bloated and puffy and I lack the impetus to change. I know how to fix this, I know I need to eat less and move around more, it is so incredibly simple but so incredibly difficult for me at present. It doesn't make the slightest bit of difference that the people who love me think I look beautiful, I don't feel it and I need to feel at ease with the woman who looks back at me from the mirror.

And I am not even going to begin on Scotland's 6 nations.

Thankfully February is nearly over, tomorrow is March and in my head the beginning of spring. I look forward to it.


Gigi said...

Hugs to you. I say we blame it on February. February has a way of making all of us tired and unhappy.

auntiegwen said...

Gigi - it sure is a dreary month

Anon - well I'm not quite sure what to say to you, I think I will leave it to my female American readers to put your gas at a peep

Ayak said...

I don't know what to say to make you feel better, other than this feeling will pass I'm sure.

Sending you big hugs anyway (())

auntiegwen said...

Ayak - thank you, sending a big massive hug right back atcha xxx

Nota Bene said...

Naturally, I'd like to start with Scotland's 6 Nations...but then as England hasn't played them yet, I suspect there is a petard danger...

I'm sad, you're struggling. We all get like that sometimes, but you a person of bounteous joy usually. I've no idea of a solution, but you get all the love and hugs I can muster!


PS I've boycotted American women all my life...or have they boycotted me?

Perpetua said...

That post brings back a lot of memories! I reckon every woman who tries to juggle work, home and family feels like that at times. Sympathy and remember that spring is coming.

auntiegwen said...

NB - my dear friend, thank you x ps I suspect our American friend can't get emptied, I have found it makes most men quite tetchy

Perpetually - thank you, I suspect we all do, at times, this is just my turn

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Of course you're tired, with so much to deal with, and the weather has been too horrible for running anyway, it's been curling up in front of the TV with pudding weather. It will get better xx

libby said...

....mmmmmm..don't know what to say....don't want you feeling that way and at a loss with regard to how to help.....hugs and love though xxx

Laura said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time at the moment. I think you're fab......hope that helps a wee bit.

Sandra said...

Know exactly how you feel hen...
I feel like I've been through the least twice.
Been a very hard month here as well, but I just keep thinking that every day is a day nearer to getting better (sometimes I even believe myself).
We Scots are strong, you'll be fine xx

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are feeling that way, and can empathise entirely - especially on the weight issue, which is one of my particularly sore points. Like you I have fastened on tomorrow being a new month to try and kick start myself into doing something.

BTW, I don't know if you say my reply to your comment about the Hardeep Singh Koli book - if you e-mail me your address ( I'll send it to you as I will never read it again and it will only end up in a charity shop.

AGuidingLife said...

yup..February? I am also a tad flabby and not running as much as I was etc. kill 2 birds with one stone and cleanercise? If you would like to get out for a run one weekend, I would be happy to go with you and we'd both be so knackered we couln't actually talk, so no silent time embarassment.

Sueann said...

I am so sorry that this feeling of tiredness, etc. is getting you down. Wish I had some great advice to give you. I don't! Feb. is a tough month for many of us. And spring is just around the fresh air and new beginnings. This goes double for you. As time goes on, you will begin to know you way around work and feel better. As for the will be there when you are ready. And the kids love you and so do your hubby. Allow him to nurture you and hug you and hopefully make you feel better about yourself!!!
I see you too got scammed by boycott american women too!! What a loser!!!!!
Hugging you dearest girl...things will perk up soon!

auntiegwen said...

LFBS - yep the weather had definitely contributed to my staying in and eating pudding, mind you I'm quite adept at that anyway!!x

Libs - I was grand at the weekend but events that unfolded when I was away took a lot of sorting out xxx

Lolly - it does, thank you :)

Sandra - thanks hen, I hope the sun is shining on you today, it always makes me cheerier xx

A - thank you, I have emailed you :)

S - I never shut up, you'd have no awkward silences with chatterbox me

SueAnn - you must be an amazing mum to have, very comforting and cheering, thank you xx

Rarelesserspotted said...

Thinking about you and your situation. Do you have someone who is positive and supportive to have a good chat to - if so - go to it, sooner rather than later? Do the kids read this blog, if not, they should? Your job expertise will increase every day. Every learning experience becomes a tool in the drawer.
Take some time out during the work day as 'me time.' This allows you to catch up at your pace, relax, chill and allows recovery time.

Curry Queen said...

Oh God, I can relate to all of those - not necessarily all at once but every so often. It's a combinations of stuff that just all of a sudden weighs you down. Lots of sympathy and here's looking forward to the Spring which will lift your spirits, I'm sure. BTW, what does boycotting American women have to do with your situation? We should be told.

Sandi said...

Menopause???!!!, nah, just sick of winter I am guessing. I get into these slumps too, does feel yuck doesn't it!! Tomorrow is a brand new day and as the days get warmer, your spirits will soar. Just not sure about your decorating tho' (hahaha)
x Sandi
Getting a little past the 'anonymous' people that keep commenting on crap

Madame DeFarge said...

Make a list. Even just a list of why Chris Paterson should still play for Scotland (because Dan Park's sideburns really annoy me for a start). I live by lists. Doesn't change anything, but it's an excuse to think about Chris Paterson, who is to me what DT is to you.

Take care, nothing sensible I can add, but look after yourself.

Kitty said...

Oh, sweet auntiegwen. I send you loads of love and hugs, bracing cups of tea and sympathy as I empathise with what you're going through. I'm going through a lot of it as well, as you know. We all think you're just grand, I hope you realise.
Get outside in the sun, if it ever appears again, and walk away some of those worries.
Love and quiches, Kitty xxx

P.S. I am an American woman, and I have decided to boycott American men. In a nutshell, American men are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent woman would want to get involved with an American man?

American men are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centred, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behaviour of most American men is utterly disgusting, to say the least. Plus, they ALWAYS leave the seat up, so, touché.

scrappysue said...

i think kitty is my new best friend, and not only because she can cut and paste - love it!!!

- i have wine
- i have a spare bed. the bedding matches the decor, if you can call painted blue walls decor

this too shall pass....

hugs !!!!!!!

Mrs Worthington said...

Auntie Gwen - I'm right there with you at the moment. Rarer lesser spotted gave you some good advice. Talk to friends, talk to your kids, do something different to break the cycle. I started to run to deal with exactly what you are going through and it really helped. Small changes can make big differences over time.
Keep strong

auntiegwen said...

Steve - my problem is I want everything now and I don't want any help, I'm my own worst enemy ! xxx

CQ - not sure why I got him, he sounds dreadfully uptight, I must have switched my weirdo attractor on again.

Sandi - might be menopause or peri menopause I will be 45 this year, feck that sounds old!!!! I don't usually get too many anonymous commenters xx

Madame - I am quite fond of Chris P myself. I completely understand why Dan Parks choice of facial hair would annoy you, how vain must one be to shave that pointy a line into your hairline? I was on a 17.45 train from St Pancras to Derby last Friday night and thought of you and mused whether you were on the same train

Kitty - you are officially my hero. You kick ass.

Sue - glad to hear I still have a bed at yours. I still really want to do the camper van enzed trip xxx

Mrs W - or buy a battery operated ladies toy? that's bound to make me more cheerful!!!