Friday 27 November 2009

This week your auntie has been mainly...

Trying to stop eating fruit and nut toblerones. This is not easy as Sainsbury's has the big massive ones on offer for £2, and how often do you get the joy of a of massive one for £2, not often when you're my age.

Running - well, I've been once and I may go later today, close enough.

Fretting about her hair - I have had it cut and I have had something fancy done with colour. I am usually very boringly dark brown and straight (ok, dark brown and grey, pedantic lot that you are) I now have caramel, honey and toffee slices, do you now want to eat me?

Dancing in my jammies ala Chris Moyles, same movement same body shape but I, cunning linguist that I am sing "I'm in my jammies girl" makes me laugh, if you don't listen to radio 1 you may be a bit lost but you can youtube Chris Dom and Dave dancing and you'll get the gist. If I can get the weans to film me, I'll stick a wee video up for you.

Weighing up whether the derision from the daughters would be balanced out with the joy of wearing the yummy fitflop boots. They are soooooooooooooooooo comfy and soft.

Wondering if she did the right thing by closing the door on someone. This person, once upon a time was so close to me. Then we had no contact and completely out of the blue they turned up at my door on Tuesday night and wanted to talk. I told them it wasn't a good time and said goodbye. I have been mildly rattled ever since.

Feeling more of a bitch than usual, I have been low level irritated and hard to please this week. Someone who really doesn't deserve it has taken the brunt of it. To top it off, they have sent me a bouquet of flowers this am, to cheer me up, again my name is auntiegwen and I am a class A bitch

Thursday 19 November 2009

In which we inflict our weirdness on an unsuspecting world.

I have some little quirks of personality that make me unique, you undoubtedly do yourself and so have The Beautiful Children. We know and love each other and we're pretty cool with each others weird stuff. When we are at home we do have lots of chat and everyone tries to outfunny each other, we are a big fat bunch of show offs and a whole heap of strange. But you kinda don't notice that in your own house where you exist in a cosy little vacuum.

But we went out today, all together, the family Von auntiegwen went to the dentist.

We arrived and were met by the world's most sullen dental nurse (Olympic standard for sure), we did some form filling in and then entered the waiting room. Cue the Twilight Zone music. There aren't 4 seats together so we find seats where we can. Now regular humans are there, being quiet. This does not perturb The Beautiful Children at all, they continue to hold their conversation across the room, they didn't get the memo that says you have to be quiet in any kind of a place that smells antiseptic and people wear white uniforms.

Eldest Beautiful Daughter starts getting twitchy because on the wall there is a plug socket, a double plug socket and one switch is on and the other is off. They have to be both on or both off, yep, this is the same one who has a phobia of feet. So I can see her looking and I wonder if she'll get up and flick the switch in a nonchalant fashion or if she'll hyperventilate and faint. Oh no, the bold girl herself, marched up and switched them both to off and explained to a rather startled waiting room that uneven switches make her feel sick, then proceeded to tell them how in her sociology class there is a row of 3 double plugs and she has now trained the teacher to sort them before her lesson. She returns to her seat, not a bother on her and I flippantly (I know everythings my fault before you start) say "Good girl yourself, I thought you were going to have to sort the magazines out"

Oh my, back up she gets and starts to tidy the magazines up, she arranges them in size order and straightens out the bent covers and makes them all line up exactly in a row.

Then The Beautiful Son chips in with "You didn't arrange them by genre or date, you're such a fail at OCD, they'll take your badge back off you"

So with every eye in the room on her and the regular humans beginning to wonder if we should be out without a carer back up she gets and starts to re sort the magazines.

We have been waiting around 15 minutes or so when The Beautiful Son gets up and has a wander round the room, reading the notices, still talking loudly in his very exaggerated Scottish accent about when he was a laddie (he pretends to be a very old Scottish man, he sounds like an unsexy Sean Connery) when he stops in front of a picture that has 3 photos of smiling mouths and he exclaims in delight (so much so that he forgot to do the accent) "Look, it's me, remember when Mr Dentist took my photo the last time" and he points to a very obviously female mouth, in his defense it was the nicest one. His sisters hoot with derision and tell him that a- this is a woman's mouth and b- that photo was an x ray. He recovers quickly and back in unsexy Sean Connery voice retorts " Ah dinnae ken why he was xraying ma mooth, it wisnae even a bit broken"

The Beautiful Baby Daughter who is the most functional and sensible of us all looks totally disgusted and disgruntled at her fate of being landed with us, the weird family. She plugs her thumb back in her mouth, puts her ipod in and ignores us, she still manages to look more adult than the other 2 combined. This is actually quite hard to do whilst sucking your thumb.

The waiting room are perplexed at the bizarre theatre of strange before them but are glad when we are called through. We could hear (from the other room) and were hurt by the collective sigh of relief.

We don't have our usual dentist but a new one, a Sith Afrikken one, and now TBS morphs into a bad Nelson Mandela Accent and "yisses and viry nice to meet yi" to the new dentist and we all get a clean bill of health, 3 weans all teens and not a filling between them, ever, in their whole life, surely that's worth a good mummy badge?

As we get ready to leave, I'm sure to the whole building's delight and I have to make the new appointment with the sullen girl, remember her? from the beginning of this long and sorry tale, she asks us who we want the appointment with and The Beautiful Son decides he's going to make her smile, with his bad patter, and starts off with a "I've been wi Mr Dentist since I wis a wee laddie, fur 9 years I've been cummin heer and fur 17 of these 18 times I've had Mr Dentist, he's ma pal and I dinnae want 1 of yer new fancy dentists, I'm loyal to ma ain dentist"

And right on cue behind him comes his own dentist who is more than a little surprised to be so enthusiastically greeted by TBS who grabs and shakes his hand all the while explaining that he didn't choose to be unfaithful to him (still in the bad old man unsexy Sean voice) that it was sullen girls fault for sending him to the other dentist. This was accompanied by pointing and wagging of finger to sullen girl. Who has upgraded to being cross and sullen and is now in training to be a Doctors receptionist. Or in therapy.

Like I say, we don't go out much with the regular humans.

Friday 13 November 2009

Reasons me no likey November

It is a month of memories for me. Every week in November I have a painful anniversary. I am always at my lowest possible emotional state this month.

I think it's totally unreasonable that I can't just fast forward and miss the whole month out, I don't mind October and even though I'm mad busy I still enjoy December

My failsafe cure for the glums of sticky toffee pudding and low fat custard, (the low fat part is ESPECIALLY important) just adds to my glumness of my general lardiness.

My less calorific cure for the glums gives me a hangover.

It's always dreich.

I can't get my washing dried outside and I HATE using a tumble drier.

I can't get out and run because it only seems to be not raining and not dark when I'm at work (adding to the lardiness, adding to the glumness).

It gets dark at feck it's early o'clock, I hate it being dark at tea time.

People start using the C word and we know auntie no likey that till December.

I get slightly panicky that I will not be able to fund the C word.

This is the last Christmas I will have all 3 of my children living with me and as I type this I can't see for tears.

Sunday 8 November 2009

University Challenge

Although I love it in Mummy denial land even I must confess that the time has come for even me to accept that the Eldest Beautiful Daughter may actually be going.

I am spending an awful lot of Saturdays in an awful lot of universities all keen to take the cost of my first flat to educate and house the EBD for the next few years.

I love my daughter with all of my heart (and a wee dod of my liver as my granny used to say) and I know that she is not a fully functioning human yet and I know it's my fault.

But this Saturday I thought it would be different, Northampton is rated 7th out of 85 for the degree she wants to do and it was her 2nd choice after Glasgow (who want all her A levels and mine and her dad's inclusive to get in)

I watch her make notes and listen to the tutor speaking and I almost have the proud Mummy smile.

You may have to click on the photo to get the fullest appreciation of what goes on in her head.

Scary, isn't it?

Wednesday 4 November 2009

25 years ago today...

I started my nurse training, yes I am aware how old that makes me sound. At 18 years old I thought I was very mature and worldy wise, I was in fact a wee girl dressing up and playing nurses.

I trained and then worked in many areas of nursing from 1984 till 1999, it remains the occupation I did for the longest time. The things I learned will stay with me forever.

The skills and experience nursing gave me are too many to mention but I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the NHS for training me and giving me the opportunity of meeting some amazing people and allowing me to grow up and become me.

So thank you for teaching me to become a much more rounded and grounded human and illustrating with crystal clarity how incredibly lucky I have always been.

Sunday 1 November 2009

All women turn into their mother

I don't mind that, I really like mine. I feel slightly sorry for my daughters though. For the people who don't know us in real life, my eldest beautiful daughter is just me but without the grey hair and wrinkles. We have the same tastes, the same gestures, expressions and are spookily similar.

She was out at last night and was talking to a friend's older brother who's home from uni.

EBD - "What are you studying?"

Friends older brother " I'm doing a PHD in computing"

and before eldest beautiful daughter could stop herself, she hooted derisorously and this fell out her mouth

"What, a Doctor of clickety, clickety and facebook?, would you give yourself peace!!!"

She said she could even hear me as she said it !