Sunday 30 November 2008

Happy St Andrews Day

Murrayfield on 08.03.08.

This is my country,
The land that begat me,
These windy spaces
Are surely my own.
And those who toil here
In the sweat of their faces
Are flesh of my flesh
And bone of my bone.

Sir Alexander Gray

I would like to wish you a very Happy St Andrew's day. I love the fact that American's celebrate their 4th July and Irish people love their St Patrick's day. We should do more to celebrate our days and I beleive that in Scotland Nov 30th is now a discretionary bank Holiday.

This is my 8th St Andrews day not spent in Scotland. When I lived there I didn't think about my cultural identity much if at all, if on holiday I was asked what nationality I was I would say I was British, now I would always say I'm Scottish. Billy Connolly once said that the further away from Scotland people got the more Scottish they became and that is definitely true of me, I am trying so hard to keep my connection to my homeland. My children have lived more of their life in England than Scotland and I am pleased that they still sound Scottish, even Beautiful Baby Daughter who was only 3 and 1/2 when we moved here, but they are also proud of their Mother Country and very much see themselves as Scots.

I am so proud to be from my country and even if given a choice would always and forever choose to be a Scot. My tiny little country with only 5 million people in it has given so much to the world, not just pleasurable stuff like whisky and golf but really important life saving stuff like penicillin, anaesthetics and antisepsis. We also invented the telephone and the television, tarmac. the bicycle, we invented radar, the steam engine, sociology and even the adhesive postage stamp, I could go on but you'd think I was just showing off and that is the cardinal sin if you're Scottish, we hate people who blow their own trumpet, understating and self deprecating is our favourite kind of humour.On the subject of humour, I couldn't possibly leave out the man who makes me howl with laughter and who I have had on my CSL for the last 25 years could I ?

So today, if you are lucky enough to be in God's Own Country, take a look around and be grateful that you are in the place I love the most. My connection is primitive and instinctive, it's a deep and profound love and my beloved Scotland is my heart, mo chridhe. The chorus of Scotland the Brave is

Land of the purple heather
Land of the shining river
Land of my heart forever
Scotland the Brave

Alba an Aigh

Friday 28 November 2008

What ever happened to Rock n Roll ?

Last night we had tickets to see Primal Scream. Gig buddy is working in London and had to drive all the way up to Nottingham.

I send a text enquiring when Primal Scream would be on and Gig Buddy reckoned around 9.30 pm, Glasvegas came on just after 9 and Gig Buddy had to wait till quarter to 10 to see the Kaisers so we now think this is do able as Gig Buddy has A Very Important Job and is A Very Important Person so has to set an example and not skive off early to go to gigs with me.

We arrange to meet just off the motorway and drive the last hour in one car, poor Gig Buddy, we go in my car, driving is not a major thing in my skill set, I'm fairly crap to be truthful. So after a fairly speedy drive, we arrive at 9.25pm, we park my car and as we reach Rock City we can hear good old Bobby belting out "Rocks" which is my very favourite Primal song, so I skip up the steps and into Rock City, we find a spot and proceed to jig aboot getting our rocks off just as Bobby ends the song and thanks us for being a great audience

WHAT THE F*CK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The look on Gig Buddy's face is PRICELESS, we have missed the gig, all the huge amount of effort, them coming from London, me getting my beloved and saintly colleague Anne to finish my parents evening for me so I can skive off early and we arrive just in time for the end.

Gig Buddy asks the guy next to us what time they came on and we're told 8.30 pm ! What kind of rock n roll band start at half eight and finish at half nine ? A feckin old one, that's who. Gig Buddy immediately starts their trade mark whistle and whoop, which is incredibly loud and Primal return and play for another 4 songs, all of which were fab.

So still absolutely incredulous but completely able to see the funny side of this, we go to the Lace Market and into a very nice pub where we drink and Gig Buddy does the maths that I am so fond of, the well, they would have played some new songs we didn't know, they would have played some stuff we didn't like and we liked all the songs they did play so we reckon that 4 and a half songs for £50 is quite good value for money really. We did agree it was sad we didn't hear "Jailbird" which is Gig Buddy's fave Primal song.

On the way back to the car, we duck down an alley and Gig Buddy makes us a smoke, just for a huge security light to come on, so we go to the car park and there at midnight we smoke, we laugh, we get slightly loaded and have a good time, I get home after 1, Gig Buddy gets back just before 3, now that's what I call Rock n Roll.

Thursday 27 November 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

A very Happy Thanksgiving to all my lovely American friends and to any non American friends today.

Eating yourself asleep and being thankful for your life seems like my kinda holiday.

I am thankful as always for my loved ones and my life but today I am especially thankful as tonight...

We're gonna get loaded and have a good time and we're going to get our (middle aged) rocks off at a gig tonight.

Want to guess who we're going to see ?

Wednesday 26 November 2008

Duchess of Dichotomy

I am a complete creature of opposites and I always have been. At school I was a prefect despite being a punk, I have a huge bad girl/good girl fight going on inside me, I would always prefer to be rebellious but I would be scared to break the law.

I am very squeamish despite having been a nurse for 15 years, I can never watch operations or babies being born on TV yet have functioned effectively in those situations in real life. At work I was extremely patient and empathetic but at home I have no time or patience for illness, I am THE most unsympathetic Mummy ever.

I cannot watch violence of any kind yet I read (and enjoy muchly) the most gruesome and graphic crime novels but only if they are fictitious. I cannot and will never read a misery memoir.

I adore cleanliness and tidyness but I live in constant mess.

I love eating but cannot cook.

I an a lazy bag and suffer hugely from "can't be arsedness" but have a huge Calvinistic work ethic, if work is going easily I'm not proud of what I'm achieving, an "I've had a go" piece of work produced with the really difficult students who give you hardly anything means a lot to me, because we've really worked for it.

In my head I am an Indie rock and roll chick, going to gigs, loving being out late, enjoying an adult life and I would love to be something cool, like a writer or a designer but in reality I am a middle aged mummy of 3 who is a teacher, can you think of a more boringly normal job than that ? It's just not how I want the world to see me

I absolutely love mush, the more the better but only if it's real. I don't like and never listen to love songs, I hate romantic fiction and I avoid watching romantic comedies. I truly love to hear of friends romantic encounters, it doesn't have to be directed at me but if it is, auntiegwen's happiness monitor goes into overdrive. I will soak it up, nothing makes me happier, all the darlings, I miss you's and I love you's are Nirvana to me. A romantic gesture is definitely the key to my heart, do I ever make romantic gestures myself ? That would be a no !

I have 2 old mobile phones on which I have kept all the lovely messages I have been sent and I would never delete them, I also keep emails and yet the only real love letter I ever got, which was a marriage proposal I threw out, he proposed to me on a cheque, on the front it said pay Miss my real name , 1 million kisses and on the back it said " Will you marry me ? "
and I threw it out, a proper love letter, a feckin marriage proposal and I threw it away like it was rubbish, can you believe that ? Mush Queen threw it out.

I have a blog and people read about my life but I am incredibly private and can even be secretive. As a rule of thumb, when I am blogging the lighter and fluffier I try to make it, the harder my real life is. If I post a really raw and honest this is how things really are post, I am compelled to remove it, usually within a few hours. I cannot, even in this really positive environment, seem to say, my life is shit, send me some support, yet I hope when others are struggling I will try and say something helpful to them.

In my relationships I am so open and honest, I have been described as brutally candid, yet in the very few significant relationships I have had, I have picked and loved men who keep their feelings to themselves, to say they play their cards close to their chest would be the understatement of the Millenium. The man I married would rather have cut his left bollock off than talk to me. The men I have been really involved with have had huge trust issues but I have never been unfaithful, they have been but I haven't.

So there you have it, I can be as wild as the heather but with a gentle and true heart, a receiver of romance but a giver of support, brutally candid myself but choose introspection in others, in the polite version a creature of extremes. In the more realistic version, weird.

Sunday 23 November 2008

What goes on in their heads ?

Beautiful Baby Daughter

Can I have a hamster ?


Can I have a dog ?


Can I have a rabbit ?


You ARE a remarkably mean Mummy

Beautiful Eldest Daughter

Would my life have been different if I was Chinese ?


Would you still love me if I was a mouse ?


Can I have 2 wee fencer men to fight a dual over me ?

probably not

The Beautiful Son

It might be ok if you get married again

you've changed your tune

Well, if it was a cool person

what would make him cool ?

If he rode a motor bike


And he gave me money

how much money ?

£1.50 a day

So, gentlemen what are you waiting for ? For the grand total of £1.50 a day and obviously the outlay on the bike, a lifetime of married bliss with auntiegwen and her deranged weans await you !

I bet you can't wait ...

Friday 21 November 2008

My new addiction

As I am an extremely nosey person, seriously my need to know things is ferocious, I am greatly surprised it took me so long to investigate this. Probably my lack of techfeckinology played a part.

When I blog stuff, in my head I think I am read only by the people who comment, except for a couple of people, who always text or email me about what I've written and maybe another few who stumble in via the black box, is anybody else still doing that ? nope, just me ? it brought me back to myself the other day, it also very very often sends me to a deeply devoted Christian wife of a pastor in America, who has a campaign about fighting for marriage, if she gets brought to me, I'm sure she will despair of my post marriage excitement, poor girl will have to have a lie down.

Any hoo, I digress, I've got a wee thingy that tells you who's been visiting, no not by name, although I'd love that, just how many people, where they're from and it can tell you if they used a search engine, what phrase they looked for that brought them to you.

So, in 3 weeks my main page has been read 1484 times, seriously, 1484, most of you are British, followed by American but I have been visited from people all over the world, some even come back ! How gas is that ?

77.20% United Kingdom
14.00% United States
2.00% Saudi Arabia
1.60% Australia
1.20% France
1.20% Canada
0.60% Germany
0.60% Ireland
0.40% New Zealand
0.40% Argentina
0.20% China
0.20% Denmark
0.20% Spain
0.20% Cyprus

I love the search engine phrases

Search Term
24.44% auntie gwen blogspot
17.78% auntiegwensdiary
6.67% tell offs
4.44% i'm sorry i was late well i missed the train
4.44% cool clothes for 50 something women
4.44% mansecat
2.22% cuss words comebacks
2.22% auntie gwen
2.22% auntiegwen blog glasgow
2.22% tell offs
2.22% crocsareugly
2.22% curse word come backs
2.22% milf teachers
2.22% comebacks with swearing
2.22% comebacks to tell someone off
2.22% irish swear words
2.22% she drunken called me 2am dating
2.22% AAWH
2.22% curse word comebacks
2.22% it god auntiegwen
2.22% good comebacks with bad words
2.22% 7 things before i die tag
2.22% good friend tell offs comebacks

The thing I found the most interesting is that most people who pop in are actually looking for their auntie, thank you, your auntie's always pleased to see you.

The first week was all people looking for me, milfs and I believe "actual shagging", curse words and Scottish sweary words.

Week 2 again was me, milfs, cursewords and a "drunken salmon Gwen" the mind boggles.

This week, there were a few I didn't begin to understand, for example why some poor reader was firstly searching for

"I'm sorry I was late, well I missed the train" and secondly why that brought them here, I don't think that's a phrase I've even said let alone typed !

" Cool clothes for 50 something women" well, excuse me, I'm only fortyfeckintwo! Would you give yourself peace !

"mansecat" nope, not a baldy (Glaswegian for a clue)

"drunken 2 am calling, dating" I have been known for the late night drunken flirty texting and I have on 1 and 1 occasion only called at 2.30 am to let someone know how very drunk I was, he described it as cute and melancholy

But Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, I seem to be the Miss Potty Mouth of the internet, if you are looking for curses, tell offs and come backs as apparently 26.65% ( I added it up, and checked it, I know I'm a sad article) of you visitors who searched the internet and found me are, I apparently am Queen of the smart arse retort.

Is Google's perception of me as a 50 something, late night calling, potty mouthed wisecracker true ?

My mother would be so proud !

Wednesday 19 November 2008

All attempts to make that child normal have failed utterly

A quote, if you please from The Beautiful Son's form teacher.

TBS exasperates a fair few of his teachers, he is one of those kids who is tremendously difficult to motivate, he cannot be enticed to study for tests, he views them as a reflection of what he knows on the day, he has this weird notion that revising is somehow cheating. Not helpful as he is in year 9 and will have his SATS to do. None of the if you work a wee bit harder you'll go up a grade, he cares not a jot what grade he gets, he will ask quite seriously what difference it will make if he gets a grade 7 rather than a 6, now Beautiful Baby Daughter will work her wee socks of to be top of the class, that would make her wee cup of happiness overflow but himself wouldn't give a curdie if he was first or last. Eldest Beautiful Daughter isn't as motivated as BBD but will work hard enough to get what she wants.

At school yesterday he got into trouble in an ICT lesson, he had to make a wee animated person dance and have spot lights flashing on them in time to music. Himself took it a wee step further and animated Osama Bin Laden and had him disco dancing accompanied by lights a flashing. This pleased his teacher not and he had to change it, sense of humour failure perhaps ?

Last night at home he had a tea towel tied round his neck and either pulled it up round his face pretending to be a terrorist or had it pulled over his head like a scarf pretending to be Mother Teresa, complete with accents. I used to be a terrorist but I saw the light.

He has a whole repertoire of funny walks and funny accents and he has me in stitches most of the time but he has an empathy that many adults would do well to emulate.

So Miss Hall, I don't give a flying feck that you can't get the measure of my son and you just see the class clown, I don't want him to be like everybody else, I love him just the way he is and I hope he NEVER conforms.

So for Christmas I am going to get him a T shirt printed on the front with

"All attempts to make this child normal have failed utterly"

and on the back

a dancing Osama Bin Laden.

And on every non uniform day, he's going to wear it to school.

I don't know where he gets his subversiveness from, do you ?

Sunday 16 November 2008

Horoscope Shmoroscope part 2

Ok so on Wednesday I told you about my foretold "intense romantic encounter" and if you read the comments of that post, it will tell you of the most romantic thing that happened to me that day.

I am a wee bitty sad in that I do actually read my horoscope every day, I like Russell Grant's one as he's on my Tiscali homepage, so I read Leo every day for me, I read Virgo, and EBD is Pisces and I have to add Cancer for Note Bene. I really do want to believe in this, I would love to have my fortune told or my tarot cards read again.

When I was 16 I had my Tarot read and the woman told me she could see me marrying a tall dark haired man and she saw him surrounded by money. The man I married worked for a bank, so he was surrounded by it, it just wasn't his. She told me I'd own a house abroad ( we do, a villa in Turkey) and she told me I would mourn a baby I didn't have ( I do and will always to my dying day, that baby would have been 15 this month) and that I would marry twice (maybe not beyond the realms of possibilty???). This kinda set the belief in me, also that my mother and sister really really believe, it makes my Dad snort with laughter.

So, back to my wee sad obsession, and the great want to believe. This month it said on the 13th I would be offered a lucrative work assignment and I was, so nah nah nah nah nah to the unbelievers.

But today's gem....

All's fair in love and war, at least as far as you're concerned. Competing for someone's affection proves an exciting challenge. Fortunately, you have enough charm and sex appeal to prevail. Be sure to dress to impress. If you already have a lover, take this opportunity to spice up your sex life. Acting out your fantasies will prove exhilarating. Role playing is also fun. Don't assume your amour won't be up for it. You will never know unless you ask.

Okay, I had only planned on doing the usual lesson planning, marking, visit to Gap and then a bit of ironing but as I'm so absolutely smokin hot, the good knickers will be back on (fortunately I have a ferocious selection of lingerie) and maybe it's even time for the sexy black stiletto boots, hell, let's bring the big guns out and I'll ask ...

Are you excited or afraid ?

Friday 14 November 2008

Normal Service has resumed

Apologies to the poor readers who popped in this morning to find a woe is me type post.

I have now read 3 chapters of my new Maeve Binchy " Heart and Soul" had a bowl of lowfat custard and a very full fat Marks and Spencer sticky toffee pudding and I'm feeling much more like myself.

Maybe I should patent this as a cure for the glums ?

So the auld rip has gone and normal middleaged Pollayanna service has resumed !

Wednesday 12 November 2008

Horoscope shmoroscope

My horoscope for today says
Winning someone's heart is as easy as crooking your finger at someone sexy. They'll be willing to move heaven and earth on your behalf. If you are in a relationship, this would be a wonderful time to plan a romantic holiday with your amour. Getting engaged or married is another possibility.
My horoscope for the week says says "An intense romantic encounter makes you feel like you're walking on air on the 12th.

Whoop whoop, that's the auntiegwen happy noise, I could do with a bit of excitement to cheer up a very dull Wednesday. Bring it on.

I wonder if this very what splendid event will take place

a during the day when I am supposed to be cleaning the house
b whilst I am taking The Beautiful Son to rugby practice
c when I put the bins out before I go to bed

I'm going to be all of a jitter the whole damn day now, constantly alert for this promised mush fest.
Well if there's that much excitement coming my way, maybe I'd better rethink my current attire of

1 Marks and Spencer blue nightie emblazoned with the slogan " I'm usually gorgeous but it's my day off"

1 Black Vans hoodie ( The Beautiful Sons, I was feeling a bit chilly )

1 pair of trackie bottoms (what, it's cold)

1 pair of daughters Ugg boots ( would you give yourself peace, I'm only cleaning the house today )

Okay, fair play if I'm going to have an "intense romantic encounter" I'll go shower and change, I'll even put my good knickers on ( just in case, you never know ! )

Saturday 8 November 2008

Drunkety, drunk, drunk...again, a tale in 2 parts

Part 1

A few months ago in a town just like yours there was a girly night out. An assortment of 30 and 40 something women were celebrating our good friend's birthday. In a bar, my friend was chatting up this bloke who was quite drunk but fair play to her, she liked him and she wasn't being deterred. I'm very sober and I was kind of on the periphery of this conversation and when she went to the bar he turned to me and gazed straight into my eyes (yes, he indeedily did, gazed is the very word for it) and said in tones that were quite reverential...

"You're beautiful" and then again "You are really beautiful" To emphasise his point he made his friend tell me that when I walked in he told the friend "That girl is beautiful" So the poor sober friend had to back up this story and when my friend came back from the bar and he turned to her and said " Your friend is beautiful" which didn't please her mightily if truth be told.

Now your auntie has had few romantic encounters in her life (oh, don't feel sorry for me, the ones I've had have been top notch, quality over quantity and all that) but the men I have had romantic encounters with have not been the most forthcoming with the compliments or the mush. Which is a shame as I respond very favourably to mush.

So here I am in a bar and a tall dark handsome stranger is telling me I'm beautiful and he then goes on with the compliments likening me to Andrea Corr. My friend at this point is getting Mr "You're beautiful" 's number put into her phone (she can't see without her glasses) by the sober friend who's thinking this is great craic to give the number to the wrong girl. We're still on the " You're beautiful" but this has been joined by " You're nothing like my type, I usually go for big blondes but you are simply ..." and the big crowd of women chime in "beautiful, yes, we know, she's beautiful"

What thinketh your auntie at this point ? Well, it's very flattering really but I kind of got the vibe he was a player, what kind of man goes around telling middle aged women they're beautiful ? One that wants emptied, methinks and I'm quite happy with what I've got thanks and I am so not going to get into an argy bargy with a friend over a bloke. So I persuade friend to go home but in the cab on the way home she calls him and sets up a date.


The man and my friend have 4 dates, that's the polite way of saying it. So all of the evening I get the "You're beautiful " and she gets the man.

Part 2

Last night in another bar in another part of town I am getting served, I'm 1 glass of the pink fizzy and I glass of the red down so it's fair to say your auntie was feeling quite squiffy. I turn around and a tall dark handsome man says " It's you isn't it ? " I agree as I wasn't that squiffy and I knew that I was indeed, myself. The man turns to his friends and says "It's the beautiful girl, you know the one, the beautiful girl, she's here" all the friends look and agree that I am the beautiful girl he's been telling them about.
So we pretty much have the same conversation as before except this time he's sober and I'm squiffy, incidentally I happen to be with the same friend. He's not been returning her texts and she's a bit peeved.
She then comes to the bar to look for me and sees him, not a pretty moment. I escape to the loo and then go scrounge a sneaky smoke, I get dizzy and have to sit down, no I'm not sick, just dizzy, honestly you shag one sheep ! Then Mr " You're beautiful " comes to find me followed by my friend who takes me out sharpish to another bar.

Mr "You're beautiful" rings my friend to find out where we've gone and she won't tell him. We go dancing and I was on ferocious form, feeling much more like Missus Party Pants, I have a blast and have to be encouraged home at close of play at 2 am, yes, you did read right, 2 am, me that likes to go to bed the same day she got up ! I had a lovely crowd of wee boys who were highly entertained by my "But I'm 42, I'm old enough to be your mammy" this was discouraging them not at all, your auntie's ego was well and truly stroked but rest assured dear readers, that was the only thing that was.

In the cab on the way home, my friend calls Mr "You're beautiful" and I get dropped off home first, yet again I get the " You're beautiful" and she gets the man.

This morning I found that he'd sneaked his phone number into my jacket pocket.

Thursday 6 November 2008

At school today...

Open evening for prospective A level students and parents 6 till 8 pm.

Classroom all set up looking very what splendid.

Enticing parents and students to come visit our classroom with offer of free food.

Table of healthy dips and carrot sticks and 2 platters of grapes and strawberries.

5 teachers and a graduate trainee being very earnest, sensible, polite and charming as is our want

End of evening, packing up and leaving, Mr W gets to take all the leftover carrot sticks home and he very innocently says

"I'll need to buy a rabbit"

Your auntie says "Don't think it'll be much use to you"

Before collapsing on the floor, tears blinding me

Nothing like laughing at your own jokes, I'm still laughing now.

Sad article that I am.

Yes, I know I'm supposed to be setting a good example.

Tuesday 4 November 2008

Tag, I'm it

I have been awarded and tagged (no, not electronically !) by the very lovely Mean Mom who's not mean in the slightest.

So the most indecisive woman in the world (that would be me) has to figure out

7 Things I plan to do before I die

Jeez, do we have to start with the hard ones ?, I can't even choose soup

Travel properly, there is still so much of the world I want to see

Get a psychology degree

Run a marathon

Work with orphans in Africa

Be able to be really and truly happy again

Live by myself sans children, yes I do love them but I'd like the house to be tidy occasionally and I'd enjoy the peace and tranquility.

Get married again , yes I do know I have to get divorced first and in the last one I said I wanted to live on my own, this is after I've lived on my own and got a bit lonely

7 Things I should do now

Cook my children's tea

I have a pile of marking waiting , I always have that

Lesson planning, ditto

I should clean my kitchen floor, it's bad, I should clean the whole feckin house, my father would be ashamed ( he does all the cleaning, what can I say, I take after my mother)

I need to buy cereal for tomorrow's breakfast, I forgot to when I went to Sainsbury's yesterday

I should phone the Royal Mail as they tried to deliver a signed for letter when I was at work

Unpack my bag from the weekend, shameful aren't I ?

7 Things I can't do

Eldest Beautiful Daughter rattled off a stream of these when I asked her what I couldn't do, I couldn't type this quick enough !

Make decisions

Tell my children off or punish them, I am soooooooooooo crap at that

Powerpoint presentations


Park successfully

Read maps/follow directions/get where I should be going on a first attempt

Remember things

7 Things that attract me to the opposite sex

I actually did a fantasy new man list last year when I was full of enthusiasm for a man, he wasn't quite like my list and there were somethings on there I've changed my mind about, I do like alpha males again and now am a bit fed up with men in touch with their feminine side, so who knows what I'll like next year, to read the old list click here Get me with the hyperlinking , I'm a big fat show off, aren't I ?




Alpha males ( I like them to be in charge)


Athleticism - I think stamina is an under rated quality in a man

Sexiness - I like a twinkle in their eye

7 Things I say most often

Yep, I'll do that for you

Would you give yourself peace !

Feck off

Yes you do have to go to your dads to stay, yes I'm aware you don't like his girlfriend, yes I understand you feel that I'm a mean Mummy

Education gives you choices

I still get paid even if you all fail your A levels, I keep on at you because I want you to be the best you can be

They were all wee babies once and then life happened to them ( that raises many groans in our office and now they all join in in strangled tones !)

7 Favourite foods


Rum and raisin ice cream


Goat's cheese and roasted peppers panini's

Penne arribiata


Chips especially from a Glasgow chippie

Well, I'm done now, hope that wasn't too boring for you. I'm supposed to tag 7 other bloggers, so would any of you care to join in ?
I know Neil won't but any of the others ?
What about the newer bloggers ?
No ?, oh go on, I know you want to really
You can blame it on me, say that ultrabossy/nosy auntiegwen made you do it.
I'd like to know more about you.

Sunday 2 November 2008

10 Things I learned this weekend

There is a new sign on the border, it's blue and has what is I suppose someone's modern interpretation of the Saltire on it and is says "Welcome to Scotland" and underneath "Failte gu Alba" I preferred our original "Ceud Mille Failte" pronounced coo milla falcha, which is Gaelic for A hundred thousand welcomes. I know I'm turning into a Grumpy Old Woman, I'll be standing in for Jenny Eclair on the next tour.

The M74 and M6 have a staggering amount of roadworks especially southbound, it took me 2 hours longer to drive back to England today than it did to get home on Friday. Yes, I am aware that I'm sounding like a Daily Mail reader, I'm working on it !

I get very irritable in traffic, I wasn't even appeased by the hot guy who smiled, winked and flirted with me for 25 minutes along the M6, I would rather have just not had the delay, what did he think could happen ? That I'd pull over and Gillian him on the hard shoulder ?

Scotland had the best of the weekend weather, it was beautifully Autumnal there, crisp but bright and sunny and last night there the sky was so clear with beautiful stars, ok it was feckin freezing but I still had the stars.

I don't like the new Sharleen Spiteri CD, it sounds like 60's pop music, I gave it to my mum, she likes it and I wasn't that struck on the new Snow patrol one either.

Women underestimate how important sport is to men, I don't know if it's all sport but golf seems to be incredibly important, there is a huge application of thought and psychology that surprised me.

Men do not want to be questioned about things, they will even lie about stuff to avoid this kind of dialogue, I always thought it was conversation, they don't think it is.

Women are too harsh on themselves about their body image, men apparently aren't too fussed by a bit cellulite or the odd wobbly bit, the analogy used to explain this to me was " If I've got to the stage where you're naked then it 's like being 3 foot away from an open goal and stopping to play keepie uppie whilst checking out the condition of the pitch, if I'm 3 foot away from an open goal, I'm gonna make sure I shoot and score" Thank you, that makes me feel sooooooo much better.

I finally know how to do the click on the word thingy, I got a full tutorial this morning and he even wrote it down for me in step by step stages so I can do it all by my own self. Please click here to listen to a song I heard in the car on the way home, I had this up full blast and stuck my foot down, I'd forgotten how much I loved this song. They were playing in Glasgow last night and I didn't know, they were the first band I ever saw.

Every woman needs a bit of edge in her life

The greatest of thanks to my host, he re arranged his weekend, provided me with food and drink, cooked and washed up after me, washed and ironed the organic cotton bed linen, provided me with some extemely valuable insights into the male psyche, refrained from telling me what an arse I am making of my life and didn't comment on how funny I find things after a few glasses of the red stuff and how quickly I can inhale Merlot.