Monday 30 August 2010

Only in my life

Friday night saw my kitchen table groaning under several bottles of alcohol. I remarked to Hot Boy "Someone has a big night planned" and then Hot Boy replied that he and Eldest Beautiful Daughter were going to have sex on the sofa.

Just before I had a stroke, EBD pointed out it was the name of a cocktail. One of the few times in my life I was actually glad that my daughter was going to be drinking copious amounts of alcohol. And not having sex on my lovely sofa.

The next morning saw the kitchen contain myself, EBD, Hot Boy and the ex mr auntiegwen who had come to collect The Beautiful Son and Beautiful Baby Daughter. TBS wandered in and said in his very old man Scottish accent (yep, he's still doing that and sadly, I still find it funny) "All right Hot Boy, did you and her have your sex on the sofa last night?" and then Hot Boy saying "I did but she was too tired, she just went to bed"

It's actually quite amusing to watch what must have been your own reaction on someone else's face. Poor ex mr auntiegwen he must worry about his children, left in my care.

Friday 27 August 2010

This week I have been mainly...

My life this week has been filled with undeniably necessary but very tedious work, kids, life, supermarkets and money stuff. There are no great imparting of wisdom's from your auntie (are there ever?) or even wee funnies to lay upon you. But as I am a sharing, caring sort of auntie...

This is what's been in my head this week.

My car needed a coil fitting, not to stop her reproducing more little A class Mercedes (that might help my cash flow somewhat) but to make her drive nicely and to stop the nasty warning light appearing in my dashboard. It cost me a lot of money. In nice lady things maths I could have bought a pair of LK Bennett peep toe platforms but not a pair of Louboutains so fair play.

I finally replaced my mobile phone, just in case I ever get the opportunity to whisper sweet nothings. My phone only worked on speakerphone and if ANY but esp Beautiful Baby Daughter child heard a male voice they would appear, miraculously able to hear and have a good listen. If I actually want/need them to do a chore, I have to scream like a fishwife to get their attention, as they are constantly plugged into ipods, headsets that play Call of Duty or asleep.

I have succumbed to a crackberry, it's a beautiful shade of purple and it matches my handbag and purse. Yep, that was the deciding factor. BB pin is available on request, no idea what you'll do with it but apparently you can text me for free. Yep, the children are gutted that this level of technology is wasted on me.

I am contemplating Twitter on my new fancy crackberry. Would you like to hear more random musings squidged into 140 characters?

I have got to sell 20 tickets for a charity curry buffet evening. They cost £12.50 each and I have sold 2, 1 to Hot Boy (who can't eat in public - yep he's as weird as EBD with his quirks) and 1 to my friend Sixy who I love. I have to sell them by Monday. I have zero chance of doing so.

I am dreaming amazingly vivid and completely bonkers dreams, on Wednesday night I was flying with my friend Sixy to Nice which was in Monaco in my dream and I was about to miss the plane which was leaving from terminal 3. In my dream terminal 3 looked suspiciously like Arrecife airport in Lanzarote. I woke up before I found out if we got there. On Thursday I piloted a helicopter into my friend Eileen's garden where she accused me of sleeping with her partner who in the dream was Leo Sayer. I can't wait to find out what my subconscious has in store for me tonight.

I have injured my feet running this week. I now have very fetching back toenails, I will have to wait until my nails fall off in a few months. Yes, I know it's gross and you have no need to know, I will paint them shocking pink and pretend they're still fine. I'm sorry that was definitely too much information.

Should you wish to ping me, eat curry with me, follow me on twitter, unravel my subconscious just let me know.

If not, have a great weekend, if you're in the UK enjoy the extra day off on Monday and just be happy that your mind is undoubtedly in much better fettle than mine!

Tuesday 24 August 2010

My summers

Due to my inefficient family planning I had my 3 children in 4 and 1/2 years. Eldest Beautiful Daughter was 3 and 3 months when The Beautiful Son was born, then she was 4 and 7 months and The Beautiful Son was 16 months when Beautiful Baby Daughter arrived.

5 years ago the get back to school campaign took most of the summer holidays with 3 sets of uniform, PE kit, school shoes (Clarks shoe shop the week before term is in my personal Room 101, wasn't that the 7th circle of Hell? ) not forgetting 3 new school bags, 3 new lunch boxes and 3 new pencil cases and all the things to put in them. Then I had to label everything for all of my 3 beautiful children when all I needed was a stiff drink after spending what felt like weeks cajoling very reluctant, hot and bothered offspring round shops.

I now only have the Beautiful Baby Daughter in a uniform and needing school shoes. There is only her school bag and pencil case to be filled. This is the least year she will need it. Next year she will join her brother at the 14-19 college we have here.

The Beautiful Son goes to school in his own clothes, and takes a pen just in case his classroom doesn't have a computer or a laptop for him to scribe onto his school account and be saved on a memory stick. He keeps all his school equipment in the back pocket of his hanging off his arse jeans, showing a buttock clad in Jack Wills or TopMan pants.

To stop me getting bored and to replace the stress lost by me not having to play the get 3 kids back to school game, a new addition to my summer has been the wait for results game. This is the finale of the cross shouty screaming exam month of June where my children attempt to sit more exams than they eat meals. I love June and August. Muchly.

Sending all good thoughts to fellow parents who are, like myself, waiting for an offspring to meander home with their GCSE results. The Beautiful Son has sat half of his this year and will get to do the other half next year. Don't get your hopes up, he managed to be late for some and then sit the wrong paper for another.

So for the last 3 years I have spent August waiting for results, I will spend the next 5 years doing the same. Then Glory be to God in the highest, in 2015 Beautiful Baby Daughter will sit her last exams, her A2 levels and will leave school.

Then I will have a big gin and hope I can still afford to live in a house as I have to give all my money to the place where they take my children and train them to drink and party to Olympic standard, I believe some people call them universities?

Should you have any back to school shopping to do, the lovely people at vouchercodes have money off vouchers for school stuff. Just click on the name of the store you would like and the magic bloggy fairy will take you there and give you money off. So if you want you could go to MARKS AND SPENCER or you could go to TESCO

How cool is that? and with the money you save you can treat yourself to something nice like cake or gin. You're so welcome.

Monday 23 August 2010

My funny old life

On Saturday my dear friend C took me to a comedy club. We both really enjoy stand up and the last time we went we saw Russell Kane who was great and another guy who we can't remember his name but now has his own TV show. So we had high hopes.

When we saw a man trying to fit through a narrow door with a guitar on his back and boing back like a cartoon we laughed, who knew that would be the only laugh of the night?

Then he turned and I realised I'd been on 3 dates with him, and your auntie's not laughing anymore. He's a stand up comedian who was the least funny man I've ever met, I genuinely thought I was way funnier than he was.

After watching his act, C agreed, I am so much more entertaining. C put the card for a stand up competition in my bag and thinks I should have a go, what thinketh you dear readers, would you come cheer your auntie on?

Never mind, the gin flowed, the chips we had in the interval were good, we agreed that there are no good men left to date where we live and I am still way too fussy. Thank God for friends.

Thursday 19 August 2010


This morning after a very sleepless night, the Eldest Beautiful Daughter and I went to school to collect her A2 results. We timed it just to arrive at 8am as they opened the doors.

It's quite startling to a middle aged Mummy to see so many of these teenager creatures at such a time. Who knew they were capable of morning? As the tension level wasn't quite high enough, a box of the school's results had been mistakenly delivered to a local 6th form College, this meant we had to wait for the box to come back. After 11 minutes we're allowed in, it did feel like a fortnight but my watch told me differently and who am I to disagree?

The actual exam results are quite difficult to read and I'm not talking about my middle aged at arms length squinting type hard to read, just hard to decipher and I'm a teacher for feck's sake, could they not just put in bold across the top - Your A2 result is level...
Much less stressful, all round, I feel. Yes, I do agree, if I was in charge everything would be much better, so glad you're with me on that.

Eventually we worked out the she had indeed achieved the magic B C C required to secure her place, so in a few weeks time the Eldest Beautiful Daughter will be off to the place where they take all my money and she gets to perfect her drinking technique. And if we're really lucky she'll get a degree too.

Monday 16 August 2010

Summer Sundae

Yes I know it's Monday, I've been busy! From 13th to 15th August saw the 10th Summer Sundae held at DeMontford Hall in Leicester. A weekend filled with music, comedy, film, silent discos, a pretend seaside, and as it's a festival some booze and mud. Because of the rain.

Eldest Beautiful Daughter and I donned wellies and were joined by my good friend Nota Bene and the boy. In the rain.

We watched some good bands, some great bands and some shocking bands. We talked, we ate, we drank and we laughed. In the rain.

Hot Boy's band were playing main stage and we used his backstage pass to it's fullest advantage for free stuff mainly beer, cider and pizza. Hot Boy even went backstage to get Turin Brakes autograph for NB as he's a huge fan. We got right down to the front and as Nota Bene is a boy with gadgets, he very cleverly fimed this beauty. Yes, even in the rain.

Hot Boy doesn't always think before he talks and he is far too honest and a masssive giver of too much information, we've devised a system that someone will raise their hand when he ventures into this area. Sometimes Hot Boy even puts his own hand up. Suffice to say that on Saturday due to high excitement at playing and being offered both a choice of water and temperature of water for on stage, Hot Boy was very overgiddy and there were a lot of hands up moments.

He wandered backstage to find a pen and a bit of paper and wait for Turin Brakes to finish. When they had Hot Boy wanders up to Olly Knights and asks for his autograph and follows up with this lovely bit of chat...

No, don't put my name on it, it's not for me.

No, really it's not for me, it's for my girlfriends mums friend.

I'm not really a fan to be honest, I haven't heard any of your stuff

I don't mean it like that, what I saw out there was great

I'll be a fan from now on, honest.

We love Hot Boy even if he does talk nonsense, have far too many beauty products and wear girls jeans, yep in the video there is Hot Boy wearing my daughters skinny jeans, he's the bass guitarist with the blue T shirt, not the one in the shiny jacket. he doesn't wear sequins, yet, and for that I am truly grateful.

Friday 13 August 2010

And they say there's not a God...

I promise that I will shut up about my birthday after this, most unseemly at my age. This is the last bit of birthday porn I will be spouting, honest.

I am so lucky in my friends and family, all tried really hard to send good wishes, find funny cards and select thoughtful gifts.

My dear friend Sixpence and her beloved Bidey, (they have real names but I'm not allowed to tell them) have surpassed themselves this time. On July 28th I received a text to tell me that they were having a good holiday and on a breif sojourn to the pub they'd bought me the best present I'd ever had. I was slightly worried but they weren't lying.

Scroll down a bit, let's build up some excitement here (I'm middle aged now, I have to take it where I can find it!)

Thursday 12 August 2010

Happy Birthday to me

A huge thank you to all for your comments, emails, text messages, cards and pressies. I just had to share the card that my lovely friend Libby who blogs at D-scribes sent me.

It's like she knows me too well!

Tuesday 10 August 2010

Dearest Birthday Fairy

On Thursday I will be 44. This is a huge shock to me, I never signed up to be middle aged, I was one of those live fast die young types. I can't bear to think of myself as a grown up sensible sort, I look at my friends/women in my book group/colleagues and in my head (I agree it might only be in there)and think I'm so not like them.

I am probably heading that way. Instead of my usual fantasies about David Tennant, Chanel handbags, Christian Louboutains and fruit and nut toblerones, would you like to hear my current obsession?

Porn alert

I want a new kitchen. Actually I want to knock down the wall between my kitchen and dining room and have a huge open space. I want cream shaker units with silver bar handles. I want a Smeg fridge in pastel green, I want shed loads of Cath Kidston in ice cream colours and a retro radio on my window ledge. I want a beautiful space to heat up oven chips in. I don't want to cook in it, gracious me no, I just want a nice place to do my laundry in, and drink my coffee in.

Yes, I agree, I am truly, truly sad.

And middle aged.

However if the Birthday Fairy is reading this and would like to grant me a few birthday wishes (and I accept that 44 birthday wishes is excessive) I would be very grateful for

Peace of mind.

Nothing else, just genuine contentment and being happy with my lot. I have it often but it's not here at the moment. My worry list is long and my blessings list remains constant but I can't balance them up. I'm in a fairly horrible place at the moment and I don't like it. I feel I'm being emotionally manipulated and I'm as mad as hell at myself for allowing it to happen. I want the drama to stop and I want to be happy.

That's all I ever really wanted.

Friday 6 August 2010

Things I'd rather not hear

BBD - auntieangela and I saw who you used to babysit for. She's a granny now. That's just grand, thanks for that

EBD - your son does tricks for smarties, I made him pretend to be a dog, he rolled over, gave paws, the lot. Cheers. I'm so proud.

M6 info board - long delays between J23 and J20 (they are feckin liars it was J24 and 18, bastards that they are, I concur most heartily with my friend Edge about the M6)

TBS - that wee light showing on your dashboard means there's an engine malfunction. Feckity feckity feck.

Mad Mother - Could you go on the computer and get me and Gadget Mad Dad a flight to Turkey? Fuckity fuckity fuck.

Sunday 1 August 2010

Things I learned yesterday.

Matlock Bath is a beautiful place.

Getting to small gastro pubs in the Peak district is very challenging for your auntie even with her sat nav. As I type this I can hear Note Bene snort as he knows navigating is not a huge part of my skill set.

Driving up feck off hills and down twisty turny lanes where there are no street lights, big huge hedges so you can't see and with an impatient local driver trying to hump your A class from behind is not a fun end to a Saturday evening.

The peak district is full of campsites and campers.

You look slightly out of place with your high heels, maxi dress, corsage ala SJP, 3 coats of mascara and your glittery Sephora eyeshadow next to all the campers in their fleeces, hiking boots and cagoules.

People who buy you large fruit and nut toblerones are ace.

I am off to The Mother Country in the morning to...

See my mad mother and try and book flights for them to come to Turkey with me in October, pour the gin now.

Look at how my inheritance is being spent and how my gadget mad dad is getting on with whatever new technology he's been spending it on.

Visit my sister and see how many times my niece Alanah's lost her golden time and if she's bitten Yasmin Cassidy again.

And just generally get my fix, my name is auntiegwen and I am a Scotland junkie.