Sunday 29 March 2009

Recipe for a perfect weekend

You take a blonde and a brunette (don't bother clicking on the brunette link, for it is me, your auntie)

You start drinking at wine o'clock, you intersperse this with pizza, sneaky smokes and more wine till 3am.

You do talk about shoes and boys (pinched shamelessly from a text sent by my best matey boy The Edge asking how my head was, he knows me of old !)

You laugh and laugh and laugh about life and love.

You get up the next day and by some miraculous miracle, you have no hangover, Glory be to God in the highest and the sun is shining.

You go out for brunch and the blonde manages to get her favourite Eggs Benedict and the brunette manages to have a big fat stack of pancakes with maple syrup and the sun continues to shine.

You realise that life is good, friendship is brilliant and being happy with your lot is priceless.

Friday 27 March 2009

Strange Questions I have been asked in the last week

I get asked questions all the time, you probably do yourself. A lot of mine start "Mummeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, where are my ... ?" or the plaintive "Can I have something to eat ?" or the omnipresent demands for cash for school trips, smart cards, sponsored silences etc etc etc.

I also get asked for advice, people asking me what to do next. But this week work has thrown up child abuse and domestic violence for me to deal with and truth be told, every time I close my eyes to go to sleep I see the faces of those who've confided in me, it's giving me insomnia and nightmares but feck knows that's nothing to what they're going through.

But as ever in the midst of all the mayhem, there have been a few humorous questions thrown my way.

Does my face look like it belongs to me ? - from my EBD. It did but she'd forgotten to put her lipgloss on

Can you be a Tory and dislike the Daily Mail ? - text from my ex's teenage son

Why is todays Google the very hungry caterpillar ? - text from IT God.

Is being 20 any good ? - a student, I don't know I'm 42, I've forgotten

If I get an A in my exam, will you buy BBD a hamster ? - another student who is also BBD's Girls Brigade Leader.

Will you tell my daughter to stop being on facebook till the early hours of the morning ? - a parent, okay will you tell mine ?

Wednesday 25 March 2009

A Little Puzzle For me

I do spend most of my life in a bemused state, I'm not quite confused but puzzled is probably an adjective you could use to describe me on a daily basis.

Despite a fine pair of ovaries (which we all know are a locating device situated in the pelvis) I quite often find myself searching for my keys and increasingly often an umbrella, I keep buying umbrellas but I never seem to have 1 when I need it.

Forgetfullness is becoming a kicker too, I know that to avoid the poly bag Nazi's in Sainsbury's I have to take my own bags with me, do I remember even once in the 82 visits I make a week ? That would be no.

But this week's puzzle ?

My boobs have gotten bigger, a whole cup size, how the hell did that happen ?

ps I'm not putting boobs in the tag's, can you imagine what that'd do to my Google searches ? !

Sunday 22 March 2009

Things your mother says

Okay, how many of these did your mammy say to you ? And how many do you now say yourself ?

Friday 20 March 2009

Would you give yourself peace !

I know I only have my self to blame what with frankly misguided tag lines of "anal sex" and mention of peloops and google sex searches but it's getting silly now. Somebody's going to be spending quite a lot of time on the naughty step and I can and will use my cross voice.

This morning before coffee, I got an email from an unknown person and it read

"You seem like a bit of a challenge, do you type one handedly ?"

Apologies again to Shirley's daughters and to Grandma in Cyprus, this blog is going to hell, it used to have a far more wholesome tone.

Tuesday 17 March 2009

So tell me what you want, what you really really want

I got my first dirty email via my blog today. Someone calling himself Fit Boy sent me a photo of himself and a very cryptic message...

"You want my cock in you ?"

Strangely enough, no

Friday 13 March 2009

Wednesday 11 March 2009

How the hell did that happen ?

Seventeen years ago today, I began my real career, as a Mummy, it's the one I've enjoyed the most and the one in which my achievements mean the most.

One minute I was in the labour ward gazing into my newborn baby daughters eyes and the proud daddy was saying " I can't believe it was that quick and that easy" yes, he indeedily did, oh there's plenty more where that came from and then the next minute she was 17.

This is the 3rd birthday blog I have written for her and she remains a daily delight. She is as enthusiatic and distractable as when she was 3 and still claps her hands in glee when something good happens. One of my favourite memories is of her magic finger, she used to think her index finger on her right hand could do anything, in the car she would wave it to make the car go faster and we'd drive quicker and to make the rain stop and the sun come out and if her magic finger didn't work, she'd look at it thoughtfully and announce "it must've run out of batteries"

Just after I found out I was pregnant, Gordon and I were on a beach and we watched a beautiful little girl around 18 months old playing in the sand. She had dark curly hair peeking our from under a sun bonnet and we said, ooh, we want one just that and we got one, even more beautiful. We said we hoped to give her the best of everything and I hope as she grows up she realises that materially she may not have had the best of everything but emotionally she did.

She is my beautiful shining star, one of the main reasons I get up every morning and my heart, mo chridhe.

Friday 6 March 2009

Product review, anyone ?

I've just started getting spam emails, I get a lot of very earnest Africans needing my assistance on withdrawing their money from their bank via my bank, I apparently am the next of kin of a respected businessman who died in a plane crash in Burkina Faso, funny that the respected businessman I am next of kin to was alive and well this very morning and I know my memory is not what it was but if I've slipped up and gone and gotten married again I can think of 2 men who are going to be quite cross with me.

I have also been offered quite a lot of viagra but this very day I've just been offered a product review for my blog, ooh thinks the auntie, wouldn't that be gas if it was shoes or lipgloss? I could give up teaching and tippy tappy type my way through the merits of double strapped Mary-Janes against the original single strapped or happily spend hours snogging people to see if the long last lipgloss is totally kissproof.

Unfortunately, I am unable to take up this fantastic free offer due to me not having the correct equipment but any of my fellow bloggers who have and would like to review this new product please click here

Make sure you let Mr Omar Long, the company owner know that auntiegwen sent you.

Wednesday 4 March 2009

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

In a lesson on the anatomy and physiology of the digestive system

AG - in a questioning tone " Function of the anus ?"

Year 13 student trying hard to contain laughter "bum sex ?"

AG - "For the purposes of passing your A level, sexual pleasure would not be a function of the anus. You wouldn't get a mark for that. Biologically speaking, it is a one way street.

Tuesday 3 March 2009

As others see you

Now I'm the first to admit that as a teenager my dress sense verged on the adventurous, my mammy was mortified on a daily basis by the cut of my jib. But now, grown up (stop laughing or you'll go on the naughty step) teachery auntiegwen looks like a grown up teacher at her work. I do so.

We have a new teacher covering a maternity leave at our school. I cannot see this man without dissolving into snorts and peals of laughter, I mean the real deal, I've had 3 children and my pelvic floor's not what it was type of laughter. I am not the only member of staff to feel this way, you can always tell when he's entered the staff room just by the suppressed laughter.He looks like he got dressed in the dark. I am no longer allowed to go to the daily staff briefings because I cannot control myself and make a holy show of our department.

I so wish I could take a photo but I will try and make do with words.

He is of indeterminate age, could be anywhere from mid 30's to 40's

Around 5 feet 7

Black hair, none on top, just around the edges, it's slicked with brylcream or some such unguent, it's very shiny.

He is like an Easter egg with legs, that shape.

But it's the clothes, I feel so mean laughing but Holy Mary Mother of God, I've never seen the cut of anything like it, but in our school ? Where American tan tights and Farah slacks are sent to die.

Every day he wears and I mean every day (we all look out for him and email each other when we've got his daily dress report)
tight black trousers that end 2 inches above his ankle
a belt that says "God" on the buckle
Cuban heeled boots at least 2 or 3 inches high
but the piece de resistance, are you ready ? can you take it ?

Satin shirts, yep, you read right, they are satin with quite a full bell effect sleeve and he has a powerful number of them, I have spotted lilac, red, tangerine, mustard yellow and a electric BLUE one, yep it wasn't blue it was BLUE. When he does playground duty and it's cold he tops off this ensemble with a duffel coat.

And round the school he goes, not a bother on him,like a refugee from Strictly Come Dancing, God love him. I kind of expect him to start doing a Paso Doble in the corridor, or to click his heels together and swish his duffel coat like a matadors cape. I'm sure he's worth getting to know, it takes a certain strength of character to dress so bizarrely and when I can stop laughing I'm going to see if he wants to be friends.