Wednesday 29 April 2009

Meme, me and me again

Greetings my little bloggy chums, I'm home safely from Prague (which was lovely) and I'm now knee deep in papers to mark (which is not lovely) and I have so much to do and my house so badly needs cleaning and sorting (no change there then !) and yet I still find the time to blog (selfless to the core, I know)

Congratulations to The Edge and Mud on surviving the London Marathon, much kudos to you both. Mud has tagged me with this meme and as we all know, your auntie is a great big fat show off and compliant by nature so here's my answers. I wonder if there is anything left to find out about me ?

1.What are your current obsessions? designer handbag and shoe porn

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?
Do my jammies count ? No ? Probably Gap jeans, long and lean, a Petit Bateau childrens black vest (age 14) and a grey cardie currently the boyfriend one from M&S as my Gap cashmere one still hasn't been sewed up.

3. What's for dinner?
God Almighty, you sound just like my children, I don't bloody know, I only decide when the offspring start mithering me to make their tea.

4. Last thing you bought?
Assorted groceries from Sainsbury's and for myself ? that was a Starbucks mug with Prague on it.

5. What are you listening to?
New White Lies CD

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?
Oh come on ! The Goddess of Love of course, either Aphrodite, Venus or Isis, any of those, as always, hear me say the words, my name is auntiegwen and I am a love addict, a mush junkie extraordinaire

7. Favourite holiday spots
Places I've yet to see

8. Reading right now?
The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff, OCR exam and portfolio guidance and The Sunday Times.

9. 4 words to describe yourself.
Small, Scottish, tired and maternal

10. Guilty pleasure?
Sneaky smokes on nights out accompanied by wine (I never smoke when I'm not drinking)

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?
Billy Connolly, Peter Kay, Frankie Boyle, The Beautiful Son

12. First spring thing?
White tulips

13. Planning to travel to next?
Probably Turkey at the half term break (if our passports come back in time, the saga of replacing the passports is another blog all to itself)

14. Best thing you ate or drank lately?
Ice cold pink champagne on Saturday night in Prague

15. When did you last get tipsy?
Sunday afternoon in Prague

16. Favourite ever film?
Gregory's Girl

17. First Love ?
I was 15 and he was 16, his name was Alan Osprey and he got called Ospur. He was a punk, had beautiful blue eyes and dark hair and was tall. I loved him wholeheartedly and was devastated when we broke up.

18. What do you most want to achieve ?
Total peace of mind and true happiness, I've had it before and I'd like it back again please.

Rules of the meme. Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Tag 8 people.

I’m tagging:

Oh I don't like to name names, you know that, and I am a bit subversive, so no names no pack drill, please feel free to play along if you want to.

Thursday 23 April 2009

Have a drink, you'll need it !

I had a very stressful 53 minutes on the phone with my mother today, she is cross with my Dad getting under her feet and this is officially day 4 of his retirement. The reason for the call is that my parents want to go and stay in my house in Turkey, they go for 2 weeks every May, no problem, except this time they want to go when I'll be going at the end of May, God alone knows why they would want to inflict my grumpy self and my grumpy weans on themselves when they could have the peace and quiet,it is beyond me. I say book your flights independently online, much cheaper.

They won't be able to do it themselves so I tell my mum I'll look around for flights for her and I'll sort it out, but she wants it doing now, so as we talk I go online and find flights going from Glasgow and I ask her if they're OK, she agrees so I start to book them, as I'm doing this she starts to get anxious. She's never booked flights before like this, she goes into the travel agent and they sort it all out for her, charge her a fortune for the privilege but that's what she's used to. She's worried about how she'll get her tickets because she won't be able to go into the travel agent to pick them up, she won't rest until she's got those tickets in her hand. I tell her it's a ticketless airline, that they'll email to confirm and you print it out and show the lady at check in. I try and reassure her I book my flights like this all the time and it's fine, they really do let you on the plane. She doesn't really trust me to do this, she thinks I'll do it wrong, she doesn't say so but I can feel it.

Now she's more worried, her voice has gone up an octave and I can feel the tension coming down the phone, I say I'll use my email address and I'll print it off and post it to her, she's still not happy, so whilst I'm still on the phone to her, I get the confirmation email and forward it to my dad. I was only there 2 weeks ago so he's not had time to delete his account or forget his password (I set him up a brand new email account every visit and he still manages not to get into yahoo) but he has surpassed himself and has an invalid password. Now my mum is yelling and she's panicking her pants off she won't be able to get on the plane.

Don't worry, says I, I'll open Mum up an email account and forward the confirmation to her, so I'm still on the phone and I open up my mum an email account and make her write down the email address and the password, at this point we had to have a wee wait as she wasn't wearing the right glasses and it took a while to find the reading glasses. Eventually, after a few false starts she gets into this brand new account and the stress levels are now at breaking point. I know she's thinking that it's easier to go into a travel agent but it's much more expensive too and most people can actually book things online, not my parents obviously, but most people.

My mother does nothing to the computer except dust it and my dad is enthusiastic about it but has no clue, as I've said before, he loves gadgets but he doesn't always fully understand how they work.

So I'm trying to explain to them how to print but there is no ink in the printer (get out ! why would that be straightforward ?) so my dad says he'll change the cartridge and ring me back.

40 minutes later my mum rings me, they have managed to print off 7 copies of their confirmation, yes that's right 7.

And she's worried because the confirmation has printed in black and white but the email confirmation had red on it, will that matter ???? I repress my inner smart arse (at some cost) from telling her that they won't let her on the plane unless it's the right colour because she will believe me and she might cry.

I know she will never let me book her flights again, she won't care how much extra it costs, the stress of doing it again might kill her.

Wednesday 22 April 2009

Prague here I come

Your auntie is off on a wee jolliday. I know, I'm overgiddy myself with the excitement of going anywhere that isn't school or a supermarket. Myself and 3 other women in our book group fly out to Prague on Friday. Don't roll your eyes at the thought of a book group, what else are middle aged women to do ? I do believe some MAW go salsa dancing - flighty things !

So, we are staying in this gorgeous apartment and we will arrive Friday evening and leave Sunday evening.

If you've been to Prague before and you've got any top tips or recommendations that are suitable for middle aged women on tour let me know.

Rest assured, I will be on my best behaviour, these aren't people who know the real me, they get the diet version, I'm not sure they could cope with full fat auntie !!!

Monday 20 April 2009

Back to School, that Monday morning feeling.

At the beginning of every school holiday I used to make myself a list of all the things I was going to achieve. I sat there like a happy wee scone with my Starbucks venti size coffee mug full, in my bed on the first moning and made myself THE LIST and I'd write "TO DO" and underline it and everything.

All the little jobs that pile up in termtime as I barely have time do do the mummying, teaching/prepping/marking, cleaning, household repairs and driving them to activities. You know, for me, living is a full time job. You're probably the same yourself.

All the things like optician's appointments (although 2 of my 3 children are supposed to wear glasses and I pay exorbitant amounts for designer frames, do I think they actually use them ? I suspect not), dental check ups, smear tests (just for me, don't be alarmed), cleaning the oven, sewing buttons on etc, replacing lost school kit, having shoes re heeled, passport photos, booking a holiday etc etc etc, to get the jist of this, you could probably look at your own list, I'm sure would have a generic one we could all use.

Sometimes I'd even start off with a few things I'd already done just so I could draw a very satisfying line all the way through them and then at night in bed I'd strike off all the things I'd achieved, you know the kind of stuff, achieved world peace (rationed kids to 2 hours computer time each without tears, tantrums or blows), found a cure for cancer (finally, Glory be To God in The Highest, got rid of Beautiful Baby Daughter's nits),cleaned the kitchen floor.

This holiday I didn't even bother with a list, I knew I had to clean the oven, I knew the kids all needed passport photos and application forms, I knew that my beloved gap grey cashmere boyfriend cardie still has a wee tiny rent at the seam, I knew I needed a smear test, I knew I had to do a powerpoint on the Musculo skeletal system for my A level group for lesson 1 and 2 today, I knew I needed a new scheme of work for every course I teach (A level, As level, yr 10 Btec and year 12 Btec, and finally nursery nurses) I knew the whole house needed cleaning and truth be told redecorating.

And now you know what I didn't manage to achieve.

Friday 17 April 2009

The Beautiful Son says no

I've put up a picture of my very cool dude with his long hair as it won't be long before he has his annual haircut, yep, that's right, at the beginning of the school summer holidays he gets shorn like a sheep, none of us want him to, he's gorgeous with his long hair but his choice.

It has been a strange month chez auntiegwen. No one's relationships have been running smoothly and the tension and tears have been omnipresent. Feel very sorry for my poor boy living with 3 hormonal females !!

The Beautiful Son is very popular with the local young ladies, he's funny and kind and used to talking to girls. He has no girlfriend, he has no want of a girlfriend and even though he's asked out regularly he's just not interested yet. He is in his last year at middle school and there is a leavers prom, now this is a big deal for lots of kids. Would my son be interested ? That would be a big fat no, he's not going. Is my son being asked right, left and centre to accompany some very nice young girls ? That would be a yes.

So my son has to keep saying no to people and some of them have cried, some have texted him constantly and girl A's mates berated him for "talking to other girls" and making girl A cry ! His every movement is being watched via cyberspace and real life.

He came in the other day and said to his sisters and I "No wonder none of you girls can get a boyfriend, you're all bloody mental !"

What advice can I offer him ? None, it'll probably only get worse.

Tuesday 14 April 2009

Strapped on a pair... twice

Yesterday I had not 1 but 2 arguments. I didn't think that was possible in a day, being the Queen of Not Saying How Upset I Feel. People can argue with me but I rarely find the words to retort. I have a million arguments written down, you can read them if you like, my written arguments are heartfelt and eloquent and more often than not tearstained. I am good at those.

Both of these arguments were with men I used to really care about.

Argument 1 - On the phone with Gordon about how upset our son was, if one of the beautiful children are upset, then I am upset, their well being is of paramount importance to me. Gordon doesn't like to think he's less than a perfect parent and sometimes needs reminding that our son will never say how unhappy his dad makes him to his dad, no prizes for guessing which parent TBS resembles emotionally. As this situation is ongoing and unlikely to change unless Gordon knows there is a problem I rang him and told him.

I felt Gordon wasn't really listening to what I said, he was just "He was absolutely fine at my house, if he was upset, I'd know" and my mind was screaming "No you fucking wouldn't, you don't know this boy at all, you don't have the first idea of what he's like"

so I told him

and I told him some more

and some more

and I left him with no doubt as to his behaviour and the disparity of the way he treats and deals with the younger 2 children (EBD has refrained from visiting his house)

and he was very cross with me. My reaction - too fucking bad, I should have let you have it years ago.

Now normally this would have left me tearful, anxious and unable to sleep.

No tears, no anxiety and then at bedtime, straight to sleep.

Argument 2 - I was awoken by a text message from the person I have just been in a relationship with. The message was about him hearing Sharleen singing "Should I stay or should I go " and it making him think of me. I took umbrage at this, waking me up to have a cheap pop at me, I tried really hard in that relationship, I really did. People who know and care about me have been telling me for months to walk away but I tried to hold it together until I just couldn't anymore. I appreciate it felt like the longest break up in history but I can assure you I tried my very best to make it work.

So instead of saying nothing as is my wont, I answered back and after arguing back and forth by text he apologized for waking me up and assured me there was nothing in his remark other than he heard her sing and thought of me.

Welcome to the new slightly improved version of me. I deserve to be happy and if you are doing something that is impinging on my happiness then I'm going to tell you. We can then work out a way to deal with this that we can both live with. Or you can leave my life.

Sunday 12 April 2009

You couldn't make it up...

I met a very interesting man this weekend, we talked, laughed and really connected. He asked me for my blog address as he wanted to read me. I didn't give him it. I was being on my very best behaviour and was trying to be the cool, witty, collected and sophisticated version of me that I can, on occasion, pull off. You know the one that you show to people you want to impress. The blog version of me tends to show me at my least glamorous self.

And as if to prove my point...

This morning I was greeted by this sight within my fridge. A Whittards of Chelsea carrier bag containing 2 tubs of Flora Light with a note stapled to it, reading " I am butter, Please love me xxx"

Welcome to the randomness that is my life, enjoy, smile and be grateful it's not yours !!

Wednesday 8 April 2009

My Mother says no

I've just got back from The Mother Country, as I keep telling NB I have to get back regularly to top up the accent. We met up and went for a pizza last week and he told me my voice was wrong ! When he reads me, in his head, I sound like a Surrey housewife, I ask you? A Surrey housewife ! would you give yourself peace !!!!

Anyhoo, I've been hame tae my mammies for a feed and a spoiling. The Beautiful Parents are very well and my gadget mad Dad is counting the days till he retires on April 16th. My dad has counted down since Easter last year and has masses of ideas of what he would want to do with his time. My parents have always said they would move when my dad retires and he would very much like to live in a traditional red sandstone tenement flat, so would I actually, the rooms are enormous and if you get one with a view of a park, it's just heaven.

My mother says no, she doesn't want neighbours above, below or sharing a wall with her.

My dad would adore a trip to Hong Kong and to travel around the far East, he loves the culture and the art and literature and is itching to explore there.

My mother says no, 4 hours is her maximum flying time and she has no notion to go anywhere so foreign.

My dad would like to get a dog, he fancies a wee westie, he always had one before he met my mother.

My mother says no, she doesn't want the responsibility of one.

My dad would like to buy a new car, the one they have is fairly old.

My mother says no, she likes it, she's used to the cd controls !!! and there's nothing wrong with it.

The strange thing about this is, if you met my mum bossy and assertive are the last things you would call her, she's so keen to please and would do anything for you. I am stunned that she's being so dogmatic about this. It was a very surreal visit, they usually just rub along together, he works and buys gadgets and she gently moans about it. I am certain that the thought of them being together 24 hours a day is preying on both their minds, I'm sure they're both trying to mark out territory and I'd lay money on my dad finding himself a part time job by October.

Friday 3 April 2009

Not 1 but 2

I read in The Telegraph that having a sister made you happier

So kind and generous to a fault Mummy that I am, I provided 2 of these bounteous gifts to my darling only son.

Does he appreciate the magnificence of the gesture ?

I think not.

Wednesday 1 April 2009

As others see us

Lots of my lovely blog matey's have made it into the top 100 British Mummy Blogger awards,so take a bow Tim, Mob, NB and Working Mum, and lots more that I read but don't know (vitually) if I've forgotten to applaud any other blog matey, I apologize.

When looking at my google searches (what ?, I have no life, I don't watch telly and I need something to keep me occupied)) I thought that despite me knowing that my life is all about being a Mummy, maybe others don't actually see me as a Mummy type figure.

When I look at the Google searches that bring the unwary to me, I get an inkling as to why. They mainly seem to be about curse words and tell offs, Milf's and blow jobs.

I can't imagine why I didn't make the cut !!!!!