Room 101 - the updated 2009 version

One of my very first posts was about my room 101. 2 years on I actually feel the same, glad to know my irrational prejudices are still simmering away, it's a comforting thought that some things remain the same in an ever changing world. This was my 2007 Room 101

Clarks Shoe Shop

Anything from the week before to the day before a new term starts, these shops are transformed into the 7th circle of hell. You arrive and take a ticket and wait for your number to be called, this can take anything up to an hour. Meanwhile the place is full of pissed off parents and bored, fidgety and sometimes screaming children. Eventually your turn comes and your child is taken to the machine to have their feet measured. When the assistant asks your child which shoes they would like you resist the urge to throw back your head and cackle like a maniac, as you know from bitter experience that at best they will only have 1 pair of shoes in the whole feckin shop which will fit your child's feet. Sod's law dictates that your child will hate the only shoes they have and will strunt, strop and sometimes cry, you will feel like doing likewise. Because I am an unorganised Mummy I have left it to the day before term starts and know that my child will have to have these shoes as bare feet at the start of term will involve social services, so cajole and bribe child to accept their fate. Repeat this experience for each child you possess (3 in my case) and the highlight of the day will be when you get to hand over usually over £100 in my case but still feel like a cheapskate when you don't buy the polish, protector and fur lined box to store them in. I get to do this 4 times per year, this is why it is no 1

Swimming Lessons

The years of my life I have wasted sitting at the side of an overchlorinated overheated pool whilst waiting for 1 of my offspring to reach level bloody 12. You also have the delights of chit chatting to another Mummy waiting for her child and the only thing you will have in common will be your child's ability or lack of in the swimming department. Other mummies are often weird.You can substitute any kind of lesson for this , I have done several over the years, ballet, tap, football, rugby, gymnastics, athletics, rainbows, brownies, beavers and cubs to name but a few. My child's interest in new activities/clubs etc is directly proportionate to how long I take to buy all the kit and write the cheque for the term of lessons. As soon as that is done so is their interest, mine are ferocious joiners but have no staying power.

People who attempt to mimic my accent

I have been blessed and was born Scottish, I love the accent. I hate hate hate when people who on hearing me speak for the first time feel compelled to say something like och aye the noo or some other such drivel. This makes me want to physically hurt them and after living in England for 7 years I am now incredibly bored with this and I will retaliate, you have been warned.

Guardian readers

Never ever met 1 I liked. Especially ones with non useful degrees and who always eat organic food. Enough said

2009 update

Clarks shoe shops don't hold the same terror factor as my nearly 17 year old doesn't wear school shoes anymore, my 13 year old son still does but only gets slip ons as he's too feckin lazy to tie his laces but the real kicker is trying to persuade my 12 year old that she still has to have proper school shoes, she no likey, she likey stupid shoes fron New Look and other gawd awful shops. BBD is the child that is most difficult to persuade into anything but time is passing, in a few years she will leave middle school and there is no dress code at our high school, just the rest of year 7 and years 8 and 9 to go then that's only 10 more visits to Clarks and I can retire as a mummy shoe shopper.
Surely the Queen will be giving me a medal for efforts in making sure my offspring had the correct width and length fitting shoes at considerable expense from 1993? That will be an 18 year child shoe shopping career, think of the Manolo's and Choo's I could have had, do my children care about my sacrifice ? not a jot ! Ungrateful lot of weans with perfectly formed feet that they are.

My swimming lesson days are over, Glory be to God in the Highest, BBD reached level bloody 12 and I'm done now. In the 2 years since I wrote this, BBD has taken up and stopped cornet lessons and is currently thinking of quitting drama. EBD has given up drama but she better start it back again if she's thinking about a drama degree they might want to see a bit more than AS/A level Theatre Studies as the sum total of her commitment. TBS is still with rugby and electric guitar lessons so maybe my son can see something through to the end.

I still get annoyed by people who try to do a Scottish accent. Add to that the person (you know who you are and you should hang your head in shame) who takes great pleasure in calling any Scottish person who achieves anything as British but if they do anything bad they call them Scottish, Andy Murray is always British when he wins.

Guardian readers, yep they still annoy me but I have added to that Daily Mail readers, they epitomise to me all that's wrong with this country.

Would you like a new one ?

Airlines that charge you £20 for paying for your flights (debit or credit card, Ryanair, you are a bunch of robbing B****rds, it's not like you have a nice wee branch in my local high street where I can pop in and pay cash or an address where I can send a cheque to. And you have to get up at crack of sparrows to get your flight at stupid o clock too.

Okay, I'm done now ranty auntie has left the building !