Things I learned yesterday.

Matlock Bath is a beautiful place.

Getting to small gastro pubs in the Peak district is very challenging for your auntie even with her sat nav. As I type this I can hear Note Bene snort as he knows navigating is not a huge part of my skill set.

Driving up feck off hills and down twisty turny lanes where there are no street lights, big huge hedges so you can't see and with an impatient local driver trying to hump your A class from behind is not a fun end to a Saturday evening.

The peak district is full of campsites and campers.

You look slightly out of place with your high heels, maxi dress, corsage ala SJP, 3 coats of mascara and your glittery Sephora eyeshadow next to all the campers in their fleeces, hiking boots and cagoules.

People who buy you large fruit and nut toblerones are ace.

I am off to The Mother Country in the morning to...

See my mad mother and try and book flights for them to come to Turkey with me in October, pour the gin now.

Look at how my inheritance is being spent and how my gadget mad dad is getting on with whatever new technology he's been spending it on.

Visit my sister and see how many times my niece Alanah's lost her golden time and if she's bitten Yasmin Cassidy again.

And just generally get my fix, my name is auntiegwen and I am a Scotland junkie.

The Best News

I was shopping in town today with the Beautiful Baby Daughter, it should be in capitals for emphasis, it was EXTREME SHOPPING, not a child for half measures. After five feckin hours I truly, was losing the will to live. I have been relieved of almost £200, have been cajoled into hot chocolates and rocky roads in Starbucks, Happy Meals (I wasn't terribly happy) in McDonalds and the thing that really fecking annoyed me a £3.90 Oreo milkshake in Coffee Republic, I could hear her dads voice saying "Christ, I could have bought a pint for that"

Near the end someone handed me this leaflet



Ooh thinks the auntie...

I've won the lottery
David Tennant is actually going to shag me
Chanel handbags are being given away free to all 43 year old women for being 43
Fruit and Nut Toblerones are now calorie free
The anti wrinkle fairy has come and kissed me, I now look 25 again

These are just the top 5 of my little fantasy daydreams, so with great excitement, the auntie did, with fingers a quiver, open the leaflet to see which of her top 5 wishes had been granted and read...



Which is lovely news, I know and it's not that I'm not grateful but would it be so difficult to give me one of the top 5 as well? It would, okay then, I'll try and be less shallow and more grateful.

Product Placement

I love blogs, I spend far too much of my time reading them, tis a fantastic hobby. The beautiful children would have preferred my hobby to be cookery or baking but thems the breaks.

Over the last year I've noticed on lots of the blogs I read that some lucky bloggers have been given free stuff (including shoes and holidays!!!!!) to review. Now I'm not going to moan about the fact that I mention Tiffany, Starbucks, Fruit and Nut Toblerones, Chanel handbags and LK Bennett shoes with boring regularity. All by my own choice, no freebies have come your aunties way, these are things I have and love or would love to have in the case of the Chanel handbag. However, should any company wish the wise words of auntie on their fine, fine products, please feel free to email me. My readers are all intelligent and lovely people with oodles of spare cash.

Ahem, moving swiftly on.

Would you like to know what I have been offered freebies of in exchange for reviews?

A peeloop penis extender

and

wait for it...

A titanium wedding ring. Yeah, throw back your head and laugh like a muskateer at the irony of that as you go through a divorce. Like I always say my life is very feckin funny when you're not living it.

I actually emailed the jewellery people back and told them if they could find me the husband I would link to their jewellery site on every post I ever wrote. I never heard from them again.